Reflective

It all happens so quickly. I never understood my parents and teachers growing up when they would tell me how quickly life will fly by. When you're in school, you are so caught up in the daily routines that you feel as though time creeps by with no end in sight. However, over the last 2-3 years, as my college career came to a close and I officially became an adult, I have never agreed more with that statement. My first year of teaching is over in just 3 weeks. How did that happen? It feels as though I just began a couple of months ago. I realized that it shows not only how much I love my job, but also that time really does fly by.
We buried my grandparents ashes today at the Palm Beach Memorial Park. I got more emotional than I had anticipated. I didn't expect to really get emotional at all, as I never really knew my grandfather, and my grandma has been gone for a couple of years now, what with her dementia and now death. No, the emotion came from a deeper place. A place that I don't often allow to come to the surface of my mind and thoughts.
I sat there listening to the letters my grandpa had written to my grandma, the beauty of his words and the desire in his voice for her to always be his. To love him eternally. And I realized that our lives are fleeting. We want to hold on to everything, but we can't. Not even while we are here. Our lives change. We change from elementary school to middle school, from middle school to high school, from high school to college, and then to a career. And all the while, we are switching friends. Old friends out with new friends, but if we're lucky, some of those old friends remain. And if we are really lucky, some of those old friends remain throughout our entire lives.
But I realized something always separates us here on earth. Moving, dying, marrying, etc. Our lives are constantly evolving into something new. And it can be fun, and exciting, and thrilling...but it is also scary and upsetting and sad.
With that said, I look forward to the day when we will all be together. And nothing, not time or space or evolution or anything will separate us. We will all be living together. No prejudices, no sickness, no uncertainty, no constant fear of change. We will be one forever, and every night will end with songs around a campfire, and we will always be in perfect harmony.
But until that day, my goal is to live the inbetween parts with happiness. I won't allow my frustrations to control my emotions. I will go to every event that my students ask me to if I'm able. I will start and finish every day with a smile in my heart that spreads to my face and pulses off of my attitude.

Gryphon

I was almost going to skip this tonight because I am tired, but while I was folding a shirt from Valentine's Day that I wore, and it says "I'm a lover, not a fighter". It made me think of Gryphon because we were wearing the same shirt. It made me think about how sweet and quiet he is. So much so that he can easily go unnoticed. Except for the bullying. I've never witnessed the bullying, but his dad swears it is happening. Gryphon has long hair, so that is a constant spot of ridicule. However, I was struck with a thought of Friday. Everyone was working on their research projects. Everyone needed help or feedback. Including Gryphon. He kept raising his hand for me, kept calling out to me. And each time he did, I told him, "Just hold on, Gryphon. I'm trying to get to everyone." Just hold on, hold on, hold on. And he would just smile and politely say, "Ok, thank you." I didn't really think much of it until now. He was so patient, so understanding, and so appreciative when I finally got to him. I hope you understand and realize how much that quality lacks in not only the majority of kids, but in all humans.

Megan

I've been listening to a lot of Bon Iver and youtube covers today, so I'm in a very reflective mood, which is perfect for writing. Today, I'm dedicating my thoughts and heart to Megan. Tiny, delicate Megan. She is a really hard worker, but sometimes she tries so hard that she stresses herself out. Megan has a special place in my heart because she got Will out of his lonely place. She doesn't care what others think--she befriends all, no matter what.
Megan is shy and quiet and keeps to herself. She shows emotion very rarely. But the other day, she came to me for extra help to catch up in Social Studies and ask for help with some concepts she wasn't quite clear on. It went very well, and after, we were talking with her mom. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, whether it had been building and the moment I shared how much I care for her and think highly of her, but I think she finally felt like she had someone at school that she could go to for help, because she hugs me and smiles and laughs often now. The only thing that I truly know in this life is that genuine, selfless love for others will change everything you know.

Brandon K.

Today is for Brandon K. Brandon is a twin. His brother, Ryan, is in my homeroom class, and Brandon is in my Reading/Writing Workshop and Social Studies classes. Brandon isn't one of those kids that gets close quickly or lets down his guard easily. In a way, he is somewhat of a dark individual for his young age. I think it is just the fantasy aspect that he enjoys. However, in the last couple of months, Brandon has gotten quite close to me and vice versa. I'm the only person he seems to want to hash out his concerns with. He and I have therapy sessions daily at my desk. I love this kid with every beat of my heart, and I love these moments we share. He is THE most amazing writer I have ever come across. And he is a leader and aims to please me.

Brandon--you don't go unnoticed.

Charlie

Keeping a thankful journal is something new for me. I find that I take the time to update my facebook status to share with my network of followers/friends what I am thankful for, but I don't take the time to write it down for record and history. I'm first thankful for Margrit for this idea and inspiration. What I have decided to use this journal for in the next 75-100 days/entries is to list and explain the kids that I work with daily that I am thankful for. I find this to be very helpful in keeping my focus on why I do the job I do. For the kids. I really love them all.
Today is for Charlie. Short, brown hair. Not very tall by any standards. Loves all sports, but particularly basketball. Comes from somewhat of an unsupportive family. Charlie gets a bad wrap from teachers, family, parents, and administration. However, although he can be challenging at time, I have found that when you take the time to get to know who this person is, he lets down his guard. When he can feel your trust and belief in him, he is putty in your hands. He wants to do what is right, and he wants to make you happy. He works hard and has an amazing heart when he feels safe with you. THAT is the Charlie that I see and love.

Forgiveness

Today wasn't the greatest of days. I didn't act or respond to situations in my day in the way I wish I would have. I have these days from time to time, and probably more often than I'd like to admit. It almost always involves my losing patience with children. I don't like that Scott.
The only thing that keeps my head held high is the knowledge that I'm forgiven and given another chance to act differently tomorrow.

Skinny Love

     I've come to the realization that one of the easiest things to do in the world is to become discouraged and to forget why you are walking down the path that you have chosen. This has become exceedingly clear in the last two weeks of my life. This can be done in your personal life, your career, or your heart and relationships. For me, it has started in one area and managed to work it's way across all the areas of my life and heart.
     I don't really feel that I ever chose teaching as my career. From the beginning of my life, I had wanted nothing more than to simply make money. And act. That was my dream. Acting or music, or modeling. Anything that would be different everyday and that would make me lots of money by doing basically nothing. I wanted to entertain, to perform, to make people laugh and smile and cry. I think that this came from a place that desired to see emotion among the people that I lived. But none of those dreams or goals came to fruition. Instead, teaching came into the picture and designed my future.
     From the moment that I began working with children, I knew I loved it. I knew I was good at it. I knew that I had a natural talent for doing this because I never had to think about it. Working with children never seemed like a job to me. It just felt as natural as taking a breath. I didn't have to plan or think or prep, I just had to do. Yet my heart tried to fight against following the pathway to this career. In my mind, it was a dead end. No money, so much routine and monotony. This clearly was the plan for my life.
     As my life progressed, I continued along in the teaching field. Summer camps, after care, tutoring, assistant teaching, substituting. But still I was not convinced that this would be my life. Even when I decided to change my major to Elementary Education. Even that fact did not sway me. However, as that fact didn't phase me, I also didn't know what I would do with my life instead. I was just traveling along, trying to earn a degree so I could find a job that would be thrilled to have me and pay me big bucks.
     When the time came for student teaching, my final crowning glory to this whole nightmare called college, I dreaded it more than any class I'd ever taken. I don't think there has been anything that I'd wanted to do less in life. I was completely against it, but I knew it was a necessary evil that I had to endure to get that piece of paper that said I was smart and deserved to make more than minimum wage. And thus, my journey of student teaching began. And it started out just as horribly as I'd anticipated.
     As the days and weeks went on, I didn't notice the change occurring inside of me. I was doing what I knew I had to do, but I wasn't trying to make it worthwhile. I was just going through the motions. Or so I thought. However, toward the end of my student teaching term, I felt myself growing weary of finishing this chapter of my life. I didn't want to leave the school. I didn't want this time to be over. I didn't want to say goodbye to all these children.
     Graduation day came, and I couldn't be happier. I needed to leave this university and get away from it all. I wanted to start my life, my career. But now I was faced with the question I'd been avoiding: What am I going to do? And as though it had been what I always knew would happen, I couldn't imagine going in any other direction than teaching. How did this happen, I wondered. When did this happen? How had I missed all the obvious signs that had been pointing in this direction? Had I really ever thought that this wouldn't be my life, or had I just pretended not to see it?
     I've been teaching fourth grade for 6 months now. I'm not sure that I've ever been happier to go to work in my life. Actually, I know that I haven't been happier. This is what I was built to do. This is my heart, my soul, my passion. And it has been all along, regardless of how much I tried fighting it all the way. And yet, with any job or career, there comes heartache, frustration, stress, and just general disappointment.
     And this is where my story begins. I have spent the last two weeks upset, frustrated, stressed, and hating my job. And it isn't until I'm typing this out that I realize how much I love this career that I call my life. And that is how I know this is where I'm meant to be and doing what I was destined to do.