Although I'm not always proud of the excessive amounts of television I can allow myself to watch in one sitting at times, I must say, I've gotten a lot out of it. When I find a show I like, it becomes like an addiction. I want more of it, and I want it now, and I don't want it to end. But the more I watch, the more upset I get because I know eventually, and sooner rather than later, it's going to end. Soon the last episode is going to air. Even if there is another season, the series is going to end at some point. Everything is going to end at some point.
But something I've realized not just about shows but about life in general is that we always have family. I know that sounds cliche and general even, because of course we always have family. Everyone technically has a family. I mean, it'd be a little hard to come into this world without at least a mother and a father. But family doesn't always mean what we are conditioned to think of it as.
Watching these shows, Gilmore Girls to be more specific, is proof of that. I know that this show doesn't capture the American ideals of family, with a mom and dad and some children with a dog or a cat. It portrays a mom and a daughter, just the two of them. And there are so many negative views of their relationship, as if this type of family is inappropriate and unconventional and that there is a need for a husband/father.
But to me, what I've realized is yes, it is incredible to have a true blood family. To have a mom, dad, brother, sister, pet, grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins that you love and get along with is great. God gave us that very special gift of family. But the Gilmore Girls version of a family did well, too. A deep relationship was formed within a mother and her daughter, much more than probably would have been formed were there a father or a brother or sister in the picture. They both always searched for more, thinking they were missing something, but always came back to the same conclusion: they were enough for each other. And it worked.
I've come to realize that I'm an extremely blessed individual. I have a true blood family that is amazing and genuine and loving. I am definitely a minority in that category. But beyond that family, I have a family of friends that support me and love me unconditionally. You see, family isn't just about blood. It isn't just about the people that you grew up with and that bought you things and provided for you. Family is about love, commitment, disappointments, good times. Family are those people that God places in our hearts forever. Those people that stand by us when we fall and help us back up. Family are those people that see us at our worst and still jump at the chance to call us friend. Family is about loving each other through the hard moments, through the great times, in fun and adventures, just as much as in dark periods and failures.
I have that family. I have those people in my life. And they aren't just friends, they are brothers and sisters. And they range in age from 16 to 50+ years old. There is no age limit. There is no gender or race requirements. They are love, they are Jesus in skin. And they aren't hard to find. If you look.
These people come from jobs, churches, streets, hospitals, prisons, anywhere. There isn't a mold for families. The only thing that makes ordinary people your family is the love that is within.
I guess this post generated from thinking about the idea of moving away in 8 months. I don't know where I'll be. I don't know what job in what location I'll get. But the thought of it thrills and terrifies me all at once because of these thoughts. But family is family. And nothing can break the bonds of true, genuine love between people. God created it, God fosters it, and He is unbreakable. Everything He touches and creates is perfect and bulletproof.
Family is family.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Not afraid to yell
I wouldn't refer to myself as someone that is fearful of many things. If you asked someone that knew me very well, say my brother or my mom, maybe my best friend, to describe me, to give a list of words that would most accurately portray an image of this person, Scott, one word that I'm sure would not be on that list would be fearful. And don't misread what I'm writing...I do fear things. But it isn't a main quality of mine.
And all that is true, with one exception...yelling at God. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are people out there who openly defy the existence of God, so I'm sure for them to hear me say I fear yelling at God would be just a funny story to tell there friends at the next poetry slam. But for me, I fear the idea of yelling at God. Not even just yelling, but disagreeing or questioning Him about the things in my life or the world at all.
I suppose that I find this to be equated with the idea of being a good son, a good employee, a good student. You don't talk back to your mom or dad, or your boss or teacher. You wouldn't question what they say or do when instructing you. Or at least I wouldn't. So I have always thought, why do it to God?
But what I've realized after reading Psalm 88 and discovering what David Crowder feels about the Psalm in "Praise Habit", is that I'm denying the fullness of a relationship with Him when I accept everything through my mouth but harbor these feelings of why and why not in my heart.
If I don't understand the reason God is doing something, I'm allowed to ask Him why. It doesn't mean He is going to give me an answer I can immediately understand or accept. But being afraid to ask Him why or to let Him know I'm angry with the situation He has placed me in isn't defying His name or belittling Him or making Him angry. It is proving that He exists.
By just accepting everything in my life as "God's plan" but never really allowing myself to be in conversation with Him is denying a true and honest relationship with Him. And it is just PROVING that I believe in Him, that I know He is there and that I know He has a plan that is far greater than I can see, but I need and want Him to show me WHY. Even when He doesn't And when I do that more, I am showing Him my faithfulness. I am saying to Him, I know this and all things come from You, and even if I don't like it and I ask You why, it is me relying on You, and always coming back to You.
And all that is true, with one exception...yelling at God. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are people out there who openly defy the existence of God, so I'm sure for them to hear me say I fear yelling at God would be just a funny story to tell there friends at the next poetry slam. But for me, I fear the idea of yelling at God. Not even just yelling, but disagreeing or questioning Him about the things in my life or the world at all.
I suppose that I find this to be equated with the idea of being a good son, a good employee, a good student. You don't talk back to your mom or dad, or your boss or teacher. You wouldn't question what they say or do when instructing you. Or at least I wouldn't. So I have always thought, why do it to God?
But what I've realized after reading Psalm 88 and discovering what David Crowder feels about the Psalm in "Praise Habit", is that I'm denying the fullness of a relationship with Him when I accept everything through my mouth but harbor these feelings of why and why not in my heart.
If I don't understand the reason God is doing something, I'm allowed to ask Him why. It doesn't mean He is going to give me an answer I can immediately understand or accept. But being afraid to ask Him why or to let Him know I'm angry with the situation He has placed me in isn't defying His name or belittling Him or making Him angry. It is proving that He exists.
By just accepting everything in my life as "God's plan" but never really allowing myself to be in conversation with Him is denying a true and honest relationship with Him. And it is just PROVING that I believe in Him, that I know He is there and that I know He has a plan that is far greater than I can see, but I need and want Him to show me WHY. Even when He doesn't And when I do that more, I am showing Him my faithfulness. I am saying to Him, I know this and all things come from You, and even if I don't like it and I ask You why, it is me relying on You, and always coming back to You.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Its funny
Today is one of those days that the rest of the world envies Florida for. December 20. The perfect day. Winter here is something that everyone who doesn't live or vacation here during this time envies. I'll explain why. Today, when most other areas are covered in snow or battling severe cold weather, here in south Florida, it is 60 degrees, sunny, and blue skies hitting you in every direction. I believe it is the closest that we can get to even getting a small fraction of an understanding as to what heaven is going to look and feel like.
I took a drive today. And its funny, you know, this driving. On any given day, you could find me furious about driving. I'm talking court-ordered anger management type of furious. Thinking horrible thoughts about the person who cut me off, or conjuring up ways to invent a car that turns into hard, shiny steel at the press of a button so I can ram cars off the road that are making insanely stupid decisions while driving, like cutting me off, for example. But not today. Today, the big truck in front of me going 30 mph didn't even phase me. In fact, I encouraged it. I adored it. I wanted to stop the car and shake the man's hand. Light a cigar for him, pop open a bottle of champagne in his honor.
And why? Because today, I'm driving for joy. I'm not in a hurry to get somewhere, I have nowhere to be, I can just coast. There is no stress as to where I'm going or when I have to get there. This is pure satisfactory driving. An unplanned, yet fantastic joy ride.
And the thought came into my head...how incredible that my demeanor could be so drastically different in the same activity. Like the way we view things. Today, the sun is shining the same way as it normally does, and the wind isn't blowing any stronger than any other day. There are plenty of days in which the skies are cloudless and blue. Yet today, I was fortunate enough to see it as something more than just another day. I was given the honor of seeing it as the grandeur that God created it to be.
Psalm 50 states that 'when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is living praise.'
Although I'm not near this point in my spiritual life, God has been drawing me nearer and nearer to this point each day. Sure, it is really easy for me to want to praise Him in this moment, on this beautiful day, so close to Christmas, no school, minimal hours at work, friends back in town. But He has been showing me the greatness of His love in the dark, stormy days. In the times when I'm alone and sad. He's allowing me, yes, ALLOWING me, to experience the joy and the amazement of every second and every type of weather of His love.
And the wind rustling the leaves, the incredible silence of snow, and the darkness of the storm all begin to sing a song of His love.
I took a drive today. And its funny, you know, this driving. On any given day, you could find me furious about driving. I'm talking court-ordered anger management type of furious. Thinking horrible thoughts about the person who cut me off, or conjuring up ways to invent a car that turns into hard, shiny steel at the press of a button so I can ram cars off the road that are making insanely stupid decisions while driving, like cutting me off, for example. But not today. Today, the big truck in front of me going 30 mph didn't even phase me. In fact, I encouraged it. I adored it. I wanted to stop the car and shake the man's hand. Light a cigar for him, pop open a bottle of champagne in his honor.
And why? Because today, I'm driving for joy. I'm not in a hurry to get somewhere, I have nowhere to be, I can just coast. There is no stress as to where I'm going or when I have to get there. This is pure satisfactory driving. An unplanned, yet fantastic joy ride.
And the thought came into my head...how incredible that my demeanor could be so drastically different in the same activity. Like the way we view things. Today, the sun is shining the same way as it normally does, and the wind isn't blowing any stronger than any other day. There are plenty of days in which the skies are cloudless and blue. Yet today, I was fortunate enough to see it as something more than just another day. I was given the honor of seeing it as the grandeur that God created it to be.
Psalm 50 states that 'when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is living praise.'
Although I'm not near this point in my spiritual life, God has been drawing me nearer and nearer to this point each day. Sure, it is really easy for me to want to praise Him in this moment, on this beautiful day, so close to Christmas, no school, minimal hours at work, friends back in town. But He has been showing me the greatness of His love in the dark, stormy days. In the times when I'm alone and sad. He's allowing me, yes, ALLOWING me, to experience the joy and the amazement of every second and every type of weather of His love.
And the wind rustling the leaves, the incredible silence of snow, and the darkness of the storm all begin to sing a song of His love.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Moses Schulstein
We are the shoes, We are the last witnesses
We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers.
From Prague, Paris and Amsterdam
And because we are only made of fabric and leather
And not of blood and flesh,
Each one of us avoided the Hellfire
We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers.
From Prague, Paris and Amsterdam
And because we are only made of fabric and leather
And not of blood and flesh,
Each one of us avoided the Hellfire
Babi Yar
By Yevgeni Yevtushenko
Translated by Benjamin Okopnik, 10/96
No monument stands over Babi Yar.
A steep cliff only, like the rudest headstone.
I am afraid.
Today, I am as old
As the entire Jewish race itself.
I see myself an ancient Israelite.
I wander o'er the roads of ancient Egypt
And here, upon the cross, I perish, tortured
And even now, I bear the marks of nails.
It seems to me that Dreyfus is myself.
The Philistines betrayed me - and now judge.
I'm in a cage. Surrounded and trapped,
I'm persecuted, spat on, slandered, and
The dainty dollies in their Brussels frills
Squeal, as they stab umbrellas at my face.
I see myself a boy in Belostok
Blood spills, and runs upon the floors,
The chiefs of bar and pub rage unimpeded
And reek of vodka and of onion, half and half.
I'm thrown back by a boot, I have no strength left,
In vain I beg the rabble of pogrom,
To jeers of "Kill the Jews, and save our Russia!"
My mother's being beaten by a clerk.
O, Russia of my heart, I know that you
Are international, by inner nature.
But often those whose hands are steeped in filth
Abused your purest name, in name of hatred.
I know the kindness of my native land.
How vile, that without the slightest quiver
The antisemites have proclaimed themselves
The "Union of the Russian People!"
It seems to me that I am Anna Frank,
Transparent, as the thinnest branch in April,
And I'm in love, and have no need of phrases,
But only that we gaze into each other's eyes.
How little one can see, or even sense!
Leaves are forbidden, so is sky,
But much is still allowed - very gently
In darkened rooms each other to embrace.
-"They come!"
-"No, fear not - those are sounds
Of spring itself. She's coming soon.
Quickly, your lips!"
-"They break the door!"
-"No, river ice is breaking..."
Wild grasses rustle over Babi Yar,
The trees look sternly, as if passing judgement.
Here, silently, all screams, and, hat in hand,
I feel my hair changing shade to gray.
And I myself, like one long soundless scream
Above the thousands of thousands interred,
I'm every old man executed here,
As I am every child murdered here.
No fiber of my body will forget this.
May "Internationale" thunder and ring
When, for all time, is buried and forgotten
The last of antisemites on this earth.
There is no Jewish blood that's blood of mine,
But, hated with a passion that's corrosive
Am I by antisemites like a Jew.
And that is why I call myself a Russian!
Translated by Benjamin Okopnik, 10/96
No monument stands over Babi Yar.
A steep cliff only, like the rudest headstone.
I am afraid.
Today, I am as old
As the entire Jewish race itself.
I see myself an ancient Israelite.
I wander o'er the roads of ancient Egypt
And here, upon the cross, I perish, tortured
And even now, I bear the marks of nails.
It seems to me that Dreyfus is myself.
The Philistines betrayed me - and now judge.
I'm in a cage. Surrounded and trapped,
I'm persecuted, spat on, slandered, and
The dainty dollies in their Brussels frills
Squeal, as they stab umbrellas at my face.
I see myself a boy in Belostok
Blood spills, and runs upon the floors,
The chiefs of bar and pub rage unimpeded
And reek of vodka and of onion, half and half.
I'm thrown back by a boot, I have no strength left,
In vain I beg the rabble of pogrom,
To jeers of "Kill the Jews, and save our Russia!"
My mother's being beaten by a clerk.
O, Russia of my heart, I know that you
Are international, by inner nature.
But often those whose hands are steeped in filth
Abused your purest name, in name of hatred.
I know the kindness of my native land.
How vile, that without the slightest quiver
The antisemites have proclaimed themselves
The "Union of the Russian People!"
It seems to me that I am Anna Frank,
Transparent, as the thinnest branch in April,
And I'm in love, and have no need of phrases,
But only that we gaze into each other's eyes.
How little one can see, or even sense!
Leaves are forbidden, so is sky,
But much is still allowed - very gently
In darkened rooms each other to embrace.
-"They come!"
-"No, fear not - those are sounds
Of spring itself. She's coming soon.
Quickly, your lips!"
-"They break the door!"
-"No, river ice is breaking..."
Wild grasses rustle over Babi Yar,
The trees look sternly, as if passing judgement.
Here, silently, all screams, and, hat in hand,
I feel my hair changing shade to gray.
And I myself, like one long soundless scream
Above the thousands of thousands interred,
I'm every old man executed here,
As I am every child murdered here.
No fiber of my body will forget this.
May "Internationale" thunder and ring
When, for all time, is buried and forgotten
The last of antisemites on this earth.
There is no Jewish blood that's blood of mine,
But, hated with a passion that's corrosive
Am I by antisemites like a Jew.
And that is why I call myself a Russian!
Memories
Memories are life to me. Memories can push us forward, or they can hold us back. It depends on how we choose to let them control us. My memories have done so much of both. They've given me the strength and courage to move ahead in life, knowing that though they are no longer present, there have always been and will always be new ones to form.
Lately, memories have been holding me back. They've been winning. They've been beating me, draining the life and desire to form new ones from me. They've been thorn bushes that are choking me. But God has released me.
I've been really sad about the memories of The Cottage. Level 5. The year spent on the hill learning and growing in love with some of the most amazing people I've been fortunate enough to come into contact with and call my makeshift family. And now we're scattered, and time isn't as available, and we're growing up, and people have left, and more people are going to leave. Inevitable. And I've been allowing those memories of the times we had, the life we shared, the adventures we partook in, to break me down. To literally tie me to the couch. To drain the existence out of my soul. But no longer.
Absolutely I'm sad those memories are now just memories. I'm devastated that Lindsey had to move away. I'm upset that Christina has to work all the time. I'm terrified that Holly is growing up and moving on. But these are all good things. And I've been allowing the sorrow of all that to take away the memories that we are making now, today, in this moment. I've realized that every moment is a memory, no matter how boring or exciting it may be.
Life and love isn't defined by the grandeur of our adventures. Life isn't about changing the world in huge ways. It is about the people we impact, and the people that impact us. It is about recognizing the moments in which we changed, in which we grew, in which we lived. Sitting on the couch watching SVU marathons is as much of a memory and life experience to ponder and smile about as is taking a month long trip through the entire European landscape. Making coffee together and watching Christmas movies, setting up the Christmas tree, hanging stockings, taking long car rides in silence, watching the sun rise on the beach together...these are all worthwhile life events. These are all things to be appreciated.
My mind likes to try to convince me to think in the big picture of life. How can I impact the world the most today, in my life? What job can I have that will prove to be the most important, the most meaningful? And the answer to those questions lies in how I'm responding to the life God has given me. I can make a bigger difference in the world, in my life and the lives of those around me, by seeing the BIG things in the little things. The man that rings a bell at Christmas time. Taking the time to thank him for his contributions. Showing him, verbally and genuinely, that I appreciate what he does, that it didn't go unnoticed. THOSE are the moments to live by, those are the things that change the world, those are the qualities that God is after.
Lately, memories have been holding me back. They've been winning. They've been beating me, draining the life and desire to form new ones from me. They've been thorn bushes that are choking me. But God has released me.
I've been really sad about the memories of The Cottage. Level 5. The year spent on the hill learning and growing in love with some of the most amazing people I've been fortunate enough to come into contact with and call my makeshift family. And now we're scattered, and time isn't as available, and we're growing up, and people have left, and more people are going to leave. Inevitable. And I've been allowing those memories of the times we had, the life we shared, the adventures we partook in, to break me down. To literally tie me to the couch. To drain the existence out of my soul. But no longer.
Absolutely I'm sad those memories are now just memories. I'm devastated that Lindsey had to move away. I'm upset that Christina has to work all the time. I'm terrified that Holly is growing up and moving on. But these are all good things. And I've been allowing the sorrow of all that to take away the memories that we are making now, today, in this moment. I've realized that every moment is a memory, no matter how boring or exciting it may be.
Life and love isn't defined by the grandeur of our adventures. Life isn't about changing the world in huge ways. It is about the people we impact, and the people that impact us. It is about recognizing the moments in which we changed, in which we grew, in which we lived. Sitting on the couch watching SVU marathons is as much of a memory and life experience to ponder and smile about as is taking a month long trip through the entire European landscape. Making coffee together and watching Christmas movies, setting up the Christmas tree, hanging stockings, taking long car rides in silence, watching the sun rise on the beach together...these are all worthwhile life events. These are all things to be appreciated.
My mind likes to try to convince me to think in the big picture of life. How can I impact the world the most today, in my life? What job can I have that will prove to be the most important, the most meaningful? And the answer to those questions lies in how I'm responding to the life God has given me. I can make a bigger difference in the world, in my life and the lives of those around me, by seeing the BIG things in the little things. The man that rings a bell at Christmas time. Taking the time to thank him for his contributions. Showing him, verbally and genuinely, that I appreciate what he does, that it didn't go unnoticed. THOSE are the moments to live by, those are the things that change the world, those are the qualities that God is after.
Psalm 1
My mindset, the Western Nationalistic Christianity mindset is one of trying desperately to uphold our own ideas of right morality, propriety, and decorum. This isn't what God is talking about in Psalm 1. Sure, there are many people who get what God is saying and are living a life that is pleasing to God, and a big part of that reflects the above mentioned attributes. However, I'm sure that I am not the only one to have seen many people living a life upholding these standards, but walking around as a lifeless creature, as though all the air has been taken from their lungs.
I've met many people who seem to have it all together on the outside. People that are involved, active, fighting for change, respectful; people that don't partake in debauchery and wickedness; people who live their lives protecting their exterior, but all the while they are broken and shattered within. This isn't the type of life Christ planned for us. This isn't His Genesis of an idea of how humanity should be lived out.
Some people think that immersing ourselves into a relationship with the homeless or the downcast, addicts, prostitutes, is to turn our back on a life of morality, a life of holiness. But God spent the most time with the lost, the forsaken, the lowly, the forgotten. And this isn't to say that we must immediately immerse ourselves into that lifestyle; no, this is to say that we should remove the part of our minds and hearts that causes us to think less of them than we do of ourselves.
Psalm 1 is an inspiration and a heart wreck all in one. We are being told that we are loved by God, that we are innocent people, we don't hang out at "sin saloon", "how well God must like us"....to me, this is something incredibly hard to swallow, to digest. I chew it around and it seems to always have to be forced down my throat. I'm not innocent. I sometimes hang out at sin saloon. I don't understand how my God can call me lover, child of mine. And that's exactly it. I don't understand it. And I shouldn't, because I didn't design it, and I don't have the capacity to think in the context as Jesus Christ does. But I am blessed and loved beyond measure anyways.
"We have a God who is bringing us back, and we are responding with every heartbeat".-David Crowder
Are we?
I've met many people who seem to have it all together on the outside. People that are involved, active, fighting for change, respectful; people that don't partake in debauchery and wickedness; people who live their lives protecting their exterior, but all the while they are broken and shattered within. This isn't the type of life Christ planned for us. This isn't His Genesis of an idea of how humanity should be lived out.
Some people think that immersing ourselves into a relationship with the homeless or the downcast, addicts, prostitutes, is to turn our back on a life of morality, a life of holiness. But God spent the most time with the lost, the forsaken, the lowly, the forgotten. And this isn't to say that we must immediately immerse ourselves into that lifestyle; no, this is to say that we should remove the part of our minds and hearts that causes us to think less of them than we do of ourselves.
Psalm 1 is an inspiration and a heart wreck all in one. We are being told that we are loved by God, that we are innocent people, we don't hang out at "sin saloon", "how well God must like us"....to me, this is something incredibly hard to swallow, to digest. I chew it around and it seems to always have to be forced down my throat. I'm not innocent. I sometimes hang out at sin saloon. I don't understand how my God can call me lover, child of mine. And that's exactly it. I don't understand it. And I shouldn't, because I didn't design it, and I don't have the capacity to think in the context as Jesus Christ does. But I am blessed and loved beyond measure anyways.
"We have a God who is bringing us back, and we are responding with every heartbeat".-David Crowder
Are we?
Holidays
There are days when I feel very insignificant. These days only occur out of my sinful heart feeling the need to be selfish. But whatever the reason, I feel it. But the more God grows my heart and strengthens my love and my relationship with Him, the more I realize I never have a reason to feel this way.
Lindsey moved away and sometimes I feel like our life will never be the same without her. Like we will never have that much fun doing nothing or laugh as hard as we did while she was here. And this helps me to realize how important every person is. Sometimes we can feel sorry for ourselves or feel like we have nothing to offer to the world. The standards that the world sets makes us feel insignificant if we don't impact it in such huge, life changing way. That just isn't true.
Every person has a purpose. Sometimes it is just to make you smile. Sometimes it is to make you rethink your life and the decisions you've been making. Sometimes it is to make more seen changes, like changing the state of Haiti or Africa. But every person has a purpose, and it is fulfilled with or without us even trying. And I find that to be such an encouragement when I'm feeling down.
I've only gotten to this point by the love of my Father in heaven. And from the massive amount of downtime He has provided me for the last 4 months. I could never come to these understandings without Him pointing them out to me. And now I realize that I have a purpose, I have a reason for existing. I may not always see it or feel it, but God knows it and is carrying it out with or without my help.
My soul is comforted and on fire at these thoughts.
Lindsey moved away and sometimes I feel like our life will never be the same without her. Like we will never have that much fun doing nothing or laugh as hard as we did while she was here. And this helps me to realize how important every person is. Sometimes we can feel sorry for ourselves or feel like we have nothing to offer to the world. The standards that the world sets makes us feel insignificant if we don't impact it in such huge, life changing way. That just isn't true.
Every person has a purpose. Sometimes it is just to make you smile. Sometimes it is to make you rethink your life and the decisions you've been making. Sometimes it is to make more seen changes, like changing the state of Haiti or Africa. But every person has a purpose, and it is fulfilled with or without us even trying. And I find that to be such an encouragement when I'm feeling down.
I've only gotten to this point by the love of my Father in heaven. And from the massive amount of downtime He has provided me for the last 4 months. I could never come to these understandings without Him pointing them out to me. And now I realize that I have a purpose, I have a reason for existing. I may not always see it or feel it, but God knows it and is carrying it out with or without my help.
My soul is comforted and on fire at these thoughts.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Life is happening with or without us
I'm going to Washington, D.C. this weekend. December 10-13, to be exact. The good news is that my flight only cost me $50 round trip for being a member of spirit air. The bad news is that the flight is out of Ft Lauderdale airport at 7:05...AM. Which means I'll have to leave my house at 4am. May as well not even bother going to sleep. Although I am not one to sleep on a plane, so I should probably try for some form of shut eye. Even if it is just a brief moment. Although when I sleep for just a few hours I tend to feel more drained than if I hadn't slept at all, so maybe I shouldn't sleep. I'll probably be too nervous to sleep because of the whole situation, anyway. Well that was a mouthful and I've gotten ahead of myself. Too much Gilmore Girls can really change your way of speaking.
There has been talk, and by talk I mean speculation on the part of one article in which a reporter or newcaster or whoever he is decided that he was going to make it his mission to scare me by reporting that there is a possible MAJOR snow storm heading right for Maryland/DC. December 12-14. Perfect. Now I am not one to turn down a snow storm. I don't have much right to say that considering I've never had the opportunity to turn one down, but I'm sure that upon encountering one I'd be completely thrilled and resort to acting like a 5 year old and going outside to build snowmen and build forts and have snowball fights. Not snow angels, though. I find those to be pretty lame, considering they don't really look all that much like angels and you get your clothes all wet and cold from the snow.
However, I do have great fear for this snow storm. And I only say that because I MUST be back in this county by Tuesday at 7:30am, or I will miss my student teaching orientation, which could mean I will not be permitted to student teach in the Spring, which then in turn means I won't be graduating in May and will have to student teach next Fall and graduate a YEAR from today. I'm not sure I can handle that. I've already waited 7 years to graduate. I've not stopped going to school for more than one semester. And I have worked REALLY hard to get where I am. So I will NOT be denied this opportunity without a fight if that does end up happening.
That was my ranting part of this post. Regardless of how positive we try to be, there is always a part of us that worries. That is our sin talking, and I know that, so I take it with a grain of salt. But what I've found to be encouraging about this situation is that not only has every other weather channel and link I've looked at said nothing about any snow at all while I'm there, but multiple people have encouraged me. John himself called me up while he was at work to assure me he didn't think there was more than a 1% chance that a snow storm bad enough to shut down the airports would occur while we are there. And he also wanted to encourage me to not be afraid. And Holly did the same, and reminded me of how hard I've worked in school and how many times my graduation has been post-poned that God will bring me to completion in this area of my life.
God is amazing. Without His presence in my life, I don't think that these two people speaking into my life in this way would have encouraged me. I know that this seems like a small matter in comparison to many of the things going on in your lives or in our world, but to me, this is huge. This is everything that I've been working for the last 10 years. But through all this, God has encouraged me yet again to believe in His power and to trust in His love and His provisions.
God is stronger than any snow storm that could ever come upon this earth. And God is in control of my life, in every single aspect of it. For me to worry about anything is sinful. Not that He expects me to be calm, cool, and collected at all moments, but it is true. If I trust and believe and proclaim that He is in control, than let me live it! Let me prove that I believe it! If I'm supposed to stay here, I will stay here. If I'm supposed to go, then I will go! If I'm supposed to miss my orientation and thus have to postpone graduating, so be it! God is in control, and this will all work out for His glory, so what do I have to fear? ABSOLUTELY nothing. God is my rock, my salvation, my constant. He has never disappointed me yet, and He never will.
BELIEVE without abandon, no matter what. That is my mantra.
There has been talk, and by talk I mean speculation on the part of one article in which a reporter or newcaster or whoever he is decided that he was going to make it his mission to scare me by reporting that there is a possible MAJOR snow storm heading right for Maryland/DC. December 12-14. Perfect. Now I am not one to turn down a snow storm. I don't have much right to say that considering I've never had the opportunity to turn one down, but I'm sure that upon encountering one I'd be completely thrilled and resort to acting like a 5 year old and going outside to build snowmen and build forts and have snowball fights. Not snow angels, though. I find those to be pretty lame, considering they don't really look all that much like angels and you get your clothes all wet and cold from the snow.
However, I do have great fear for this snow storm. And I only say that because I MUST be back in this county by Tuesday at 7:30am, or I will miss my student teaching orientation, which could mean I will not be permitted to student teach in the Spring, which then in turn means I won't be graduating in May and will have to student teach next Fall and graduate a YEAR from today. I'm not sure I can handle that. I've already waited 7 years to graduate. I've not stopped going to school for more than one semester. And I have worked REALLY hard to get where I am. So I will NOT be denied this opportunity without a fight if that does end up happening.
That was my ranting part of this post. Regardless of how positive we try to be, there is always a part of us that worries. That is our sin talking, and I know that, so I take it with a grain of salt. But what I've found to be encouraging about this situation is that not only has every other weather channel and link I've looked at said nothing about any snow at all while I'm there, but multiple people have encouraged me. John himself called me up while he was at work to assure me he didn't think there was more than a 1% chance that a snow storm bad enough to shut down the airports would occur while we are there. And he also wanted to encourage me to not be afraid. And Holly did the same, and reminded me of how hard I've worked in school and how many times my graduation has been post-poned that God will bring me to completion in this area of my life.
God is amazing. Without His presence in my life, I don't think that these two people speaking into my life in this way would have encouraged me. I know that this seems like a small matter in comparison to many of the things going on in your lives or in our world, but to me, this is huge. This is everything that I've been working for the last 10 years. But through all this, God has encouraged me yet again to believe in His power and to trust in His love and His provisions.
God is stronger than any snow storm that could ever come upon this earth. And God is in control of my life, in every single aspect of it. For me to worry about anything is sinful. Not that He expects me to be calm, cool, and collected at all moments, but it is true. If I trust and believe and proclaim that He is in control, than let me live it! Let me prove that I believe it! If I'm supposed to stay here, I will stay here. If I'm supposed to go, then I will go! If I'm supposed to miss my orientation and thus have to postpone graduating, so be it! God is in control, and this will all work out for His glory, so what do I have to fear? ABSOLUTELY nothing. God is my rock, my salvation, my constant. He has never disappointed me yet, and He never will.
BELIEVE without abandon, no matter what. That is my mantra.
Monday, December 6, 2010
You answered
Another incredible weekend has come to a close. I'll admit that I had one too many glasses of wine on Saturday night, but this weekend was powerful. God is calling me to an intimate and personal relationship with Him. And I know this because I can't seem to go or do anything without being reminded of His glory.
Last night was the ascent, which I love. A night of complete and total worship. If you know me at all, you know that my world revolves around music. I'm constantly seeking and searching for new music. It has to speak to me. It has to be dripping with passion and meaning. And it has to have a good beat. Which is why night of worship is such an incredible experience for me because it combines both the love of music I seek, and the love of my life. I am given the opportunity to fall before Him in complete and total surrender through music.
There was a point in the music last night that God helped me surrender my heart to Him completely. It is something that is quite challenging to do seeing as there are so many people around. I constantly seek to compare myself to others. I hate to admit this and I hate even more that I do it, but I do. We all do. I look around the room and see all the other men and women that I think have so much more than I do. They have wives or girlfriends, husbands or boyfriends. They've got incredible looks, a sense of style, perfect bodies, money, and great attitudes and personalities.
But these are all earthly goods. These aren't things that God looks at. God doesn't compare me to the male model I may be standing next to. God loves me and sees me as His child. Beautiful and spotless in His eyes. Something He would sacrifice His son for. And He would never compare me to anyone else, just like He wouldn't compare you to anyone else.
This struggle is my struggle. And I've had to deal with it just like everyone else has. But this lyric put all those fears and thoughts and comparisons in their place:
I called and You answered and You came to my rescue. I wanna be right where You are.
That is all the authority I need. That's love. That's truth. That's everything. I don't need anything else.
Last night was the ascent, which I love. A night of complete and total worship. If you know me at all, you know that my world revolves around music. I'm constantly seeking and searching for new music. It has to speak to me. It has to be dripping with passion and meaning. And it has to have a good beat. Which is why night of worship is such an incredible experience for me because it combines both the love of music I seek, and the love of my life. I am given the opportunity to fall before Him in complete and total surrender through music.
There was a point in the music last night that God helped me surrender my heart to Him completely. It is something that is quite challenging to do seeing as there are so many people around. I constantly seek to compare myself to others. I hate to admit this and I hate even more that I do it, but I do. We all do. I look around the room and see all the other men and women that I think have so much more than I do. They have wives or girlfriends, husbands or boyfriends. They've got incredible looks, a sense of style, perfect bodies, money, and great attitudes and personalities.
But these are all earthly goods. These aren't things that God looks at. God doesn't compare me to the male model I may be standing next to. God loves me and sees me as His child. Beautiful and spotless in His eyes. Something He would sacrifice His son for. And He would never compare me to anyone else, just like He wouldn't compare you to anyone else.
This struggle is my struggle. And I've had to deal with it just like everyone else has. But this lyric put all those fears and thoughts and comparisons in their place:
I called and You answered and You came to my rescue. I wanna be right where You are.
That is all the authority I need. That's love. That's truth. That's everything. I don't need anything else.
Friday, December 3, 2010
The words I write aren't mine at all
Today is a day in which all Floridians remember why they live here. The current weather is 60 degrees, sunny, and clear blue skies. Florida knows how to do cold the right way.
There are so many thoughts in my head that it is hard to know where to begin. My one and only struggle with writing is never knowing where to begin. That struggle occurs throughout multiple areas of my life.
I find it very easy to praise God on a day like today. The cold weather brings out a part of me that wants to continually rejoice and praise God. If only I could box it up and store it away on days that aren't so much like that.
But this is where I'm at. On this balcony connected to the house that I call a home, I am reminded that this won't last. Right now, this weather makes me feel like the world is almost perfect. The sound of cars driving on the highway next to my apartment makes a humming sound that soothes my soul. But it all ends. And then what? And if I think that this is almost perfection, then I cry out at the thought of what heaven will possibly be like. Better than this is hard for a weak mind like mine to imagine. Which makes it all that much more exciting to consider.
Since I was about the age of 15, I have wanted to leave this place. Not the earth, just my current location. Florida. I am by no means a beach boy. Of course I grew up minutes from the coast, spent many summer days, winter days, hurricane days, and spring breaks on the beach. And there was that stint in college in which I went to the beach for hours upon hours every day for a month. But the beauty of the ocean is only truly captured in my heart when I glimpse it at night. The moon reflecting off the water is mistifies me in a way unlike anything else can.
I tried to leave this place after high school. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say try because I didn't try that hard. I wanted to go away to college, but I secretly knew in my heart that out of state tuition was way too high and that I could never ask my parents to pay for it. And I also knew, although would refuse to admit at the time, that I wasn't ready to leave this place. At least not the memories and the people.
I tried again my sophomore year of college when I applied to Flagler college in St Augustine. Yes, I would still be in Florida, but it wouldn't be the Florida I knew. It would be a different Florida. And it would allow me to travel home a lot more often than if I went out of state. But God had different plans for me and so denied me access to the college.
I tried again my Junior year of college. I applied to Chicago State University and to North Eastern Illinois University and to Nazareth college in Rochester, NY. I got accepted into each of those schools. And I went apartment hunting and found a roommate and a place to live in Rochester and in Chicago. Yet one day I was sitting in my hotel room on Congress in downtown Chicago with thousands of people walking the streets and felt more alone than I ever had in all my life. I wasn't ready still.
I say all of this to say that I have learned what contentment truly means. Being content does not mean now nor ever will, until we arrive in heaven, that everything is going to be perfect every single day. I have struggled with this word for years. For my entire life I believe. I wanted my heart to be content, but my sinful, selfish heart always screwed everything up.
But I have a new idea and understanding of contentment that God has been teaching me in many ways these last few years. Contentment is being happy with what I have, with where I live, with the job I have. Contentment doesn't mean every day I go to work I'm going to do cartwheels of joy. Contentment doesn't mean that everyday is going to feel like today, or that I'm going to feel like the way I do today everyday. It means that I am satisfied in what God has provided to me. Period. God knows our hearts. He knows our sins. He knows that in order for us to live a life of contentment every single day, never complaining, never worrying, never losing faith and hope is to be..well, perfect. And He doesn't think for a second that we are going to be perfect.
I have been guided by my God in the direction of contentment in the truest, simplest, and most real form that I can achieve at this point in my life. I believe with all of my heart that I will grow more content with the life I have been given as the days go on. But for now, the contentment I have is all the contentment I need. At this moment. God has shown me that days like today are where I can find my contentment on days that are the opposite of today. He reminds me with these days that there is always a rainbow to look for. There is always something to hope for and hold out faith about.
If you asked me today if I still want to leave Florida, my answer would be yes. But if you asked me if I want to leave Florida because I'm not content here, my answer would be no. And that is a far cry from where I was 5 years ago. And it took me 26 years to get here, and it will take me the rest of my life to get to where I'm need to be. But at this moment, I am content. And that is all I could ever hope, ask, dream, and pray for. And that is enough. Because God has shown me that He is all I need. I don't need a wife or my own kids or friends or family. Yes, those things are all of utmost importance to me. But if you ask me if I need them in order to live and to be satisfied, my answer would be no.
If God stripped me of all of those things in my life, would I be content? I have no idea how to answer that, because I don't know. I know my God is more than enough for me, and I know without a doubt that He would bring me to a place in which I would find complete peace. And that is all I can say for now.
God has been working on my heart for my entire life. He has been building inside me contentment for this place that He has put me in. And He has shown me over and over again reasons why He kept me here. And the moment that I become completely content to stay here for the rest of my life is probably the moment in which He will rip me from this place and put me somewhere completely new. And I'm ready. Because if I am living the life that these words are saying, I know without fail that I will find contentment even on the battlefield.
And I can only speak of this because of the glory of my God. I know He is changing my heart and working in my life because I break down in tears at least once a day over things like the shining of the sun. I am not one to cry, ever. But God has planted the spring of His eternal and overflowing love into my heart, and at times, it overflows and comes out through my eyes in the form of tears. And those are tears of joy, which are completely new to me.
You still have my heart. You and onlyYou keep bringing me back home. And that home is Your heart.
There are so many thoughts in my head that it is hard to know where to begin. My one and only struggle with writing is never knowing where to begin. That struggle occurs throughout multiple areas of my life.
I find it very easy to praise God on a day like today. The cold weather brings out a part of me that wants to continually rejoice and praise God. If only I could box it up and store it away on days that aren't so much like that.
But this is where I'm at. On this balcony connected to the house that I call a home, I am reminded that this won't last. Right now, this weather makes me feel like the world is almost perfect. The sound of cars driving on the highway next to my apartment makes a humming sound that soothes my soul. But it all ends. And then what? And if I think that this is almost perfection, then I cry out at the thought of what heaven will possibly be like. Better than this is hard for a weak mind like mine to imagine. Which makes it all that much more exciting to consider.
Since I was about the age of 15, I have wanted to leave this place. Not the earth, just my current location. Florida. I am by no means a beach boy. Of course I grew up minutes from the coast, spent many summer days, winter days, hurricane days, and spring breaks on the beach. And there was that stint in college in which I went to the beach for hours upon hours every day for a month. But the beauty of the ocean is only truly captured in my heart when I glimpse it at night. The moon reflecting off the water is mistifies me in a way unlike anything else can.
I tried to leave this place after high school. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say try because I didn't try that hard. I wanted to go away to college, but I secretly knew in my heart that out of state tuition was way too high and that I could never ask my parents to pay for it. And I also knew, although would refuse to admit at the time, that I wasn't ready to leave this place. At least not the memories and the people.
I tried again my sophomore year of college when I applied to Flagler college in St Augustine. Yes, I would still be in Florida, but it wouldn't be the Florida I knew. It would be a different Florida. And it would allow me to travel home a lot more often than if I went out of state. But God had different plans for me and so denied me access to the college.
I tried again my Junior year of college. I applied to Chicago State University and to North Eastern Illinois University and to Nazareth college in Rochester, NY. I got accepted into each of those schools. And I went apartment hunting and found a roommate and a place to live in Rochester and in Chicago. Yet one day I was sitting in my hotel room on Congress in downtown Chicago with thousands of people walking the streets and felt more alone than I ever had in all my life. I wasn't ready still.
I say all of this to say that I have learned what contentment truly means. Being content does not mean now nor ever will, until we arrive in heaven, that everything is going to be perfect every single day. I have struggled with this word for years. For my entire life I believe. I wanted my heart to be content, but my sinful, selfish heart always screwed everything up.
But I have a new idea and understanding of contentment that God has been teaching me in many ways these last few years. Contentment is being happy with what I have, with where I live, with the job I have. Contentment doesn't mean every day I go to work I'm going to do cartwheels of joy. Contentment doesn't mean that everyday is going to feel like today, or that I'm going to feel like the way I do today everyday. It means that I am satisfied in what God has provided to me. Period. God knows our hearts. He knows our sins. He knows that in order for us to live a life of contentment every single day, never complaining, never worrying, never losing faith and hope is to be..well, perfect. And He doesn't think for a second that we are going to be perfect.
I have been guided by my God in the direction of contentment in the truest, simplest, and most real form that I can achieve at this point in my life. I believe with all of my heart that I will grow more content with the life I have been given as the days go on. But for now, the contentment I have is all the contentment I need. At this moment. God has shown me that days like today are where I can find my contentment on days that are the opposite of today. He reminds me with these days that there is always a rainbow to look for. There is always something to hope for and hold out faith about.
If you asked me today if I still want to leave Florida, my answer would be yes. But if you asked me if I want to leave Florida because I'm not content here, my answer would be no. And that is a far cry from where I was 5 years ago. And it took me 26 years to get here, and it will take me the rest of my life to get to where I'm need to be. But at this moment, I am content. And that is all I could ever hope, ask, dream, and pray for. And that is enough. Because God has shown me that He is all I need. I don't need a wife or my own kids or friends or family. Yes, those things are all of utmost importance to me. But if you ask me if I need them in order to live and to be satisfied, my answer would be no.
If God stripped me of all of those things in my life, would I be content? I have no idea how to answer that, because I don't know. I know my God is more than enough for me, and I know without a doubt that He would bring me to a place in which I would find complete peace. And that is all I can say for now.
God has been working on my heart for my entire life. He has been building inside me contentment for this place that He has put me in. And He has shown me over and over again reasons why He kept me here. And the moment that I become completely content to stay here for the rest of my life is probably the moment in which He will rip me from this place and put me somewhere completely new. And I'm ready. Because if I am living the life that these words are saying, I know without fail that I will find contentment even on the battlefield.
And I can only speak of this because of the glory of my God. I know He is changing my heart and working in my life because I break down in tears at least once a day over things like the shining of the sun. I am not one to cry, ever. But God has planted the spring of His eternal and overflowing love into my heart, and at times, it overflows and comes out through my eyes in the form of tears. And those are tears of joy, which are completely new to me.
You still have my heart. You and onlyYou keep bringing me back home. And that home is Your heart.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
God is not a white man
God is not a man, God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud
God cannot be bought, God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion
God is love, God is love
And He loves everyone
God is not a man, God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag, not even American
God does not depend on a government
God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and charlatans, Communists and lesbians
And even ol’ Pat Roberston, Oh God He loves us all
Catholic or protestant, Terrorist or president
Everybody, everybody
Love, love, love, love
These are the lyrics to Gungor's amazing song, God is not a white man. There was a lot of speculation about this song, a lot of nasty comments written by people about it. I don't know why it is that we have to go after and attack people. I don't understand why we have to hurt one another based off of our own ideals, our own selfish thoughts that come out like daggers to harm our enemies. We are one, and we are the same. We all have dark hearts, we all have our struggles, and we all have our moments of love. And just because they aren't all the same struggles or same darkness in our hearts doesn't mean that someone else's struggles or darkness is any better or any worse than our own.
To me, when reading these lyrics, I see it as hope. God is NOT man. And thank God for that fact because otherwise we would be a lost civilization like we are today, but with NO chance of hope. Destruction, chaos, and fear would be all that we have to look forward to.
God is not catholic or protestant, he isn't a terrorist nor a president. Can you imagine if He was? What Gungor is saying here is that God doesn't fit "the mold" that we have created in our minds. We all fit a certain mold. We create these molds on our own, God didn't create those molds. We have surfers, punks, gangsta's, preps, rich, poor, old, young. We have created all of these subgroups in an attempt to fit in with our culture. To feel accepted. To feel complete. To feel like we belong to someone, anyone, no matter how much it hurts us or boxes us in. And all this song is saying is that God CANNOT and WILL NOT be boxed in to some subgroup that we have designed all on our own.
And when I think about it this way, I have hope. I have peace. I have understanding. I'm thrilled that God will not put up with idolatry or be confined to a specific group. Because since He won't, that means I don't have to, either. I can feel free and unashamed to hang out with an 80 year old woman and make her my best friend if I please. I can go down to where "white town and black town" cross and hang out in the hood. I can go to Greenwich and make a billionaire one of my closest friends. I can kick it with the homeless down in Miami. And I can remember a magical world by befriending a 5 year old. I am not confined to one specific subset, one specific group. God calls us to love EVERYONE. Not the ones that are similar to us or that we can relate to the most.
God is not a man sitting on a cloud
God cannot be bought, God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion
God is love, God is love
And He loves everyone
God is not a man, God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag, not even American
God does not depend on a government
God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and charlatans, Communists and lesbians
And even ol’ Pat Roberston, Oh God He loves us all
Catholic or protestant, Terrorist or president
Everybody, everybody
Love, love, love, love
These are the lyrics to Gungor's amazing song, God is not a white man. There was a lot of speculation about this song, a lot of nasty comments written by people about it. I don't know why it is that we have to go after and attack people. I don't understand why we have to hurt one another based off of our own ideals, our own selfish thoughts that come out like daggers to harm our enemies. We are one, and we are the same. We all have dark hearts, we all have our struggles, and we all have our moments of love. And just because they aren't all the same struggles or same darkness in our hearts doesn't mean that someone else's struggles or darkness is any better or any worse than our own.
To me, when reading these lyrics, I see it as hope. God is NOT man. And thank God for that fact because otherwise we would be a lost civilization like we are today, but with NO chance of hope. Destruction, chaos, and fear would be all that we have to look forward to.
God is not catholic or protestant, he isn't a terrorist nor a president. Can you imagine if He was? What Gungor is saying here is that God doesn't fit "the mold" that we have created in our minds. We all fit a certain mold. We create these molds on our own, God didn't create those molds. We have surfers, punks, gangsta's, preps, rich, poor, old, young. We have created all of these subgroups in an attempt to fit in with our culture. To feel accepted. To feel complete. To feel like we belong to someone, anyone, no matter how much it hurts us or boxes us in. And all this song is saying is that God CANNOT and WILL NOT be boxed in to some subgroup that we have designed all on our own.
And when I think about it this way, I have hope. I have peace. I have understanding. I'm thrilled that God will not put up with idolatry or be confined to a specific group. Because since He won't, that means I don't have to, either. I can feel free and unashamed to hang out with an 80 year old woman and make her my best friend if I please. I can go down to where "white town and black town" cross and hang out in the hood. I can go to Greenwich and make a billionaire one of my closest friends. I can kick it with the homeless down in Miami. And I can remember a magical world by befriending a 5 year old. I am not confined to one specific subset, one specific group. God calls us to love EVERYONE. Not the ones that are similar to us or that we can relate to the most.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My bones cry out to You
I'm currently sitting outside writing this blog as we speak. I've allotted myself 30 minutes per day to just sit outside on my balcony and watch the world go by. Watch life in its most natural state. Observe the people walking on the street with each other when they think nobody is watching. I want to see the wind in the trees and hear the sounds it makes, calling us back to a God who provides. I left my cellphone inside, and I'm not on facebook, I'm just here, sitting, breathing, and writing in an attempt to share my experience and my journey with you.
I've been listening to Gungor a lot lately. Paul bought me the CD for my birthday and I haven't stopped listening to it since. I've even been neglecting my amazing Christmas Glee album for it. So that should give you a little taste of how much I love it. And if you take the time to listen to the songs, and really listen to the words that are being sung, then you will understand why I spend so much time living this album.
Since about the middle of October, I have been following a daily reading plan for getting through the entire bible in one year. I admit that I miss days now and then, usually on Saturdays, but I've been doing pretty well with it. I've gotten through Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus, and am now in Numbers. It hasn't been easy, either. Leviticus and Numbers are dullsville to say the least. And I've always thought so. But it is amazing how God just renews my heart and continues to help me push through these chapters. And not just push through for the sake of crossing it off the list, but He is helping reveal things in those books to me. For example, I find myself to be incredibly blessed that everytime I sin, I don't have to sacrifice a lamb and a ram and give grain offerings and build altars and all such things. How time consuming it must have been during those years. However, I'm sure that the thought of all that work would help motivate us to try our hardest not to sin, so there was definitely purpose in it. And just the fact that I am thinking along these lines reveals to me a growth process that has occurred within myself. And that is all thanks to my God who has saved me from the wreckage of my own heart and my own selfish desires.
Beyond the bible, I have been reading other books. A book that my father gave me a week after my injury was one that I just finished last week. And this book was absolutely one of the most inspirational books that I have ever read. It was due in large part to the fact that it was based off of my very own personal struggles and it laid out the truth of these struggles among other people. I could relate to this book a lot, and not just in the way that it gave me comfort knowing that other people out there are struggling with the same things that I struggle. I mean, of course it is always a comfort to see first hand and experience first hand that you are not alone. But what was most incredible about this book was that I found it to be a source of encouragement that I had never experienced. For so long, I've just pretty much given myself a death sentence for my homosexual desires and sinfulness. I've abstained from getting involved in that lifestyle for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had a relationship or gone to the clubs and such, but for the most part, I've held myself behind a fence to that world. But this book reveals a number of men and women that have been battling the same hardships as I have, and yet have come out on top, completely transformed.
These men and women have gone much deeper into the lifestyle than I ever have, and yet here they are, laying out their lives for me, and they are married to the opposite sex and have children and loved ones that support them in their recovery. For this sin is a recovery when you begin to overcome it. It is something that is a constant struggle and one that we may never fully break free of because of our sinful hearts. But there is hope. And there is transformation. And this book has spoken to me about the way we can come to that place. I have never had hope and peace about this struggle like I have found from this book. (BTW it is called Gay: Such were some of us)
I've finished that book and passed it on to a friend to read because it really addresses the struggle that we all have. We all fight against something in our lives that keeps us back from knowing Jesus fully. It can be drugs, porn, selfishness, fear, stealing, murder, jealousy. Whatever the addiction, we are held behind a wall that is just in front of Jesus. We live these lives fighting against it, but never really putting all of our effort into it. That's how I was. I would stay just far enough away from this lifestyle that I could justify myself without fully giving into it. But I was keeping a barrier inbetween God and myself that prevented me from ever truly knowing Him and the power of His love. And He chased after me fervently, refusing to give up. And He finally captured me. And how amazing it is to think that He, the God of the universe, would care so deeply for me, personally, that He would refuse to give up. Me, the nothingness that I am in comparison to Him, fought without abandon to capture my heart. Currently, it is hard to breath at the thought of this.
God wants us. But He wants our whole selves. He refuses to accept just a portion of us. And what I've learned is that if we are going to say that He is our Lord, our refuge, our strength, our portion, our everything, than we need to be living out a life that reflects that truth. It isn't enough to just say it. Songs of worship aren't worship at all if they are empty from what our lives actually look like. Singing songs of praise to my God is one of the biggest highs that I can experience in this life, but for so long, I've been singing those songs inside a room and then going into the world a failure. And this is the moment that I want it to end. This is the time for change, here and now. Not tomorrow, not later today, but right here, in this moment, in the sunshine of my God, in the sweet sound of His voice in the trees. We need to take that step. And I'm going to take it. But I invite you to take it with me.
I leave you with these powerful words and encouragement from Gungor in their blog dated January 1, 2010:
So when you look at your world today, I urge you to try to remember this bigger story. When you look up into the blue sky, realize what a strange and glorious thing it is that it is blue. When you go to bed tonight, try to be amazed at this ability your body has to turn on and off like that. Really taste the food that you eat today. Think about a few of the breaths that God gives you as He gives you them, and thank Him for them. I’m going to try to do that as well, and hopefully we can learn how to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven a little bit more fully.
I've been listening to Gungor a lot lately. Paul bought me the CD for my birthday and I haven't stopped listening to it since. I've even been neglecting my amazing Christmas Glee album for it. So that should give you a little taste of how much I love it. And if you take the time to listen to the songs, and really listen to the words that are being sung, then you will understand why I spend so much time living this album.
Since about the middle of October, I have been following a daily reading plan for getting through the entire bible in one year. I admit that I miss days now and then, usually on Saturdays, but I've been doing pretty well with it. I've gotten through Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus, and am now in Numbers. It hasn't been easy, either. Leviticus and Numbers are dullsville to say the least. And I've always thought so. But it is amazing how God just renews my heart and continues to help me push through these chapters. And not just push through for the sake of crossing it off the list, but He is helping reveal things in those books to me. For example, I find myself to be incredibly blessed that everytime I sin, I don't have to sacrifice a lamb and a ram and give grain offerings and build altars and all such things. How time consuming it must have been during those years. However, I'm sure that the thought of all that work would help motivate us to try our hardest not to sin, so there was definitely purpose in it. And just the fact that I am thinking along these lines reveals to me a growth process that has occurred within myself. And that is all thanks to my God who has saved me from the wreckage of my own heart and my own selfish desires.
Beyond the bible, I have been reading other books. A book that my father gave me a week after my injury was one that I just finished last week. And this book was absolutely one of the most inspirational books that I have ever read. It was due in large part to the fact that it was based off of my very own personal struggles and it laid out the truth of these struggles among other people. I could relate to this book a lot, and not just in the way that it gave me comfort knowing that other people out there are struggling with the same things that I struggle. I mean, of course it is always a comfort to see first hand and experience first hand that you are not alone. But what was most incredible about this book was that I found it to be a source of encouragement that I had never experienced. For so long, I've just pretty much given myself a death sentence for my homosexual desires and sinfulness. I've abstained from getting involved in that lifestyle for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had a relationship or gone to the clubs and such, but for the most part, I've held myself behind a fence to that world. But this book reveals a number of men and women that have been battling the same hardships as I have, and yet have come out on top, completely transformed.
These men and women have gone much deeper into the lifestyle than I ever have, and yet here they are, laying out their lives for me, and they are married to the opposite sex and have children and loved ones that support them in their recovery. For this sin is a recovery when you begin to overcome it. It is something that is a constant struggle and one that we may never fully break free of because of our sinful hearts. But there is hope. And there is transformation. And this book has spoken to me about the way we can come to that place. I have never had hope and peace about this struggle like I have found from this book. (BTW it is called Gay: Such were some of us)
I've finished that book and passed it on to a friend to read because it really addresses the struggle that we all have. We all fight against something in our lives that keeps us back from knowing Jesus fully. It can be drugs, porn, selfishness, fear, stealing, murder, jealousy. Whatever the addiction, we are held behind a wall that is just in front of Jesus. We live these lives fighting against it, but never really putting all of our effort into it. That's how I was. I would stay just far enough away from this lifestyle that I could justify myself without fully giving into it. But I was keeping a barrier inbetween God and myself that prevented me from ever truly knowing Him and the power of His love. And He chased after me fervently, refusing to give up. And He finally captured me. And how amazing it is to think that He, the God of the universe, would care so deeply for me, personally, that He would refuse to give up. Me, the nothingness that I am in comparison to Him, fought without abandon to capture my heart. Currently, it is hard to breath at the thought of this.
God wants us. But He wants our whole selves. He refuses to accept just a portion of us. And what I've learned is that if we are going to say that He is our Lord, our refuge, our strength, our portion, our everything, than we need to be living out a life that reflects that truth. It isn't enough to just say it. Songs of worship aren't worship at all if they are empty from what our lives actually look like. Singing songs of praise to my God is one of the biggest highs that I can experience in this life, but for so long, I've been singing those songs inside a room and then going into the world a failure. And this is the moment that I want it to end. This is the time for change, here and now. Not tomorrow, not later today, but right here, in this moment, in the sunshine of my God, in the sweet sound of His voice in the trees. We need to take that step. And I'm going to take it. But I invite you to take it with me.
I leave you with these powerful words and encouragement from Gungor in their blog dated January 1, 2010:
So when you look at your world today, I urge you to try to remember this bigger story. When you look up into the blue sky, realize what a strange and glorious thing it is that it is blue. When you go to bed tonight, try to be amazed at this ability your body has to turn on and off like that. Really taste the food that you eat today. Think about a few of the breaths that God gives you as He gives you them, and thank Him for them. I’m going to try to do that as well, and hopefully we can learn how to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven a little bit more fully.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Stolen from Stook
I'm stealing this from Stook and trying to make it a lifestyle habit. Feel free to join.
Every time I want to send a tweet via mobile phone, I'll scribble an encouraging word for a co-worker on a sticky-note.
and every time I get the urge to comment someone, I'll call them instead; We'll get together and speak to each other ... absorb the rhythms of our voices, read between the lines only our bodies have created, maybe even hug at the end.
I'll make an entry with something tangible.
Every time I want to send a tweet via mobile phone, I'll scribble an encouraging word for a co-worker on a sticky-note.
and every time I get the urge to comment someone, I'll call them instead; We'll get together and speak to each other ... absorb the rhythms of our voices, read between the lines only our bodies have created, maybe even hug at the end.
I'll make an entry with something tangible.
Beautiful Things
It is really easy for me to walk along in this life and see all the ugliness in people. It is probably one of the easiest things to do. Sometimes we even do it without meaning to or without realizing we are doing it. And that is a result of the sin that entered the world long ago.
But what I want is to make an effort, every single day, to see the beautiful things in people. I want to see the beauty of the ocean without realizing all of the debris and oil and ugliness of it. I want to hear the wind in the leaves and not notice the trash blowing on the ground beside it. Because there is an incredibly beautiful world out there, and if I spend all of my time looking and searching for the ugliness of everything that I am surrounded by, then I am living an ugly life.
I want to see the beautiful things about a prostitute. I want to notice her heart and the battles she has fought and won, not the fact that she gets paid to have sex. I want to get a glimpse of the unique and charming qualities of the homeless man on the corner of the street, not condemn him for making poor choices in the past to get him to where he is today. I want to step outside of the person that I've boxed myself into being and come to life. I want to take risks and make statements and live a life without abandon that will allow me to truly be free and mean it when I say, God, You make beautiful things, and I am so in love with You and everything You've made.
But what I want is to make an effort, every single day, to see the beautiful things in people. I want to see the beauty of the ocean without realizing all of the debris and oil and ugliness of it. I want to hear the wind in the leaves and not notice the trash blowing on the ground beside it. Because there is an incredibly beautiful world out there, and if I spend all of my time looking and searching for the ugliness of everything that I am surrounded by, then I am living an ugly life.
I want to see the beautiful things about a prostitute. I want to notice her heart and the battles she has fought and won, not the fact that she gets paid to have sex. I want to get a glimpse of the unique and charming qualities of the homeless man on the corner of the street, not condemn him for making poor choices in the past to get him to where he is today. I want to step outside of the person that I've boxed myself into being and come to life. I want to take risks and make statements and live a life without abandon that will allow me to truly be free and mean it when I say, God, You make beautiful things, and I am so in love with You and everything You've made.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Beautiful Things
There are not a lot of bands that can peak my interest in such a way that the mere lyrics bring tears to my eyes. Although I am a words man, I tend to not really take the words as they are, in the way in which they are intended, to the extent in which they are entailed. But this band...the words they sing are powerful. They are incredible. They speak into our lives in such a way that makes me feel...alive. And thankful that I have a God that is incredible as these words detail.
The band is Gungor, and the song is Beautiful Things. I highly suggest you get into them.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
I think the part that hits me most is that our God, the all powerful, all mighty being that He is, really does make beautiful things out of us. To me, this is an incredible truth, and quite difficult to digest when I consider all the ways I do not deserve this type of love from even a human being, let alone from God. And there is passion laced in every ounce of these words that destroys my heart, making it new, making it beautiful. Just think about it.
The band is Gungor, and the song is Beautiful Things. I highly suggest you get into them.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
I think the part that hits me most is that our God, the all powerful, all mighty being that He is, really does make beautiful things out of us. To me, this is an incredible truth, and quite difficult to digest when I consider all the ways I do not deserve this type of love from even a human being, let alone from God. And there is passion laced in every ounce of these words that destroys my heart, making it new, making it beautiful. Just think about it.
Words
It's amazing how words that we've spoken time and time again can become so...powerful when we allow them to speak into our lives.
Like healing. We say this word all the time, but the true meaning of the word becomes more present when we are in pain and when we experience that healing power in any form.
And I am broken. But in a beautiful way. And I'm experiencing God in His true form more everyday. Even when I am in pain. The most when I am in pain.
Like healing. We say this word all the time, but the true meaning of the word becomes more present when we are in pain and when we experience that healing power in any form.
And I am broken. But in a beautiful way. And I'm experiencing God in His true form more everyday. Even when I am in pain. The most when I am in pain.
Happy birthday
26 years ago today, God brought me into this world encased in love. He gave me the opportunity to become life. And it has been quite a journey since that day in 1984.
My journey has included many highs and lows. When I was younger, I lived in a home that was filled with more than just the scents of delicious food. I grew up in a house that had love pouring out of every window and door that we had. I had a father who worked hard to provide me with everything I needed. I never went hungry or without a place to live. And I remember smiling so much that I was given the nickname Scott Smiley.
As I got older, I went on trips, joined youth group, started singing at church. I began dating and socializing, and I was quite good at both. I joined the band and played flute for 3 years and enjoyed every moment of it.
Entering into high school, I got the chance to go to Mexico twice, began singing in the choir, and met my best friend to this day. I had my first real girlfriend. I went through multiple youth pastors at my church, and I began to really understand the love of my Jesus.
I went on to college, traveled to Chicago and multiple other locations, and developed a new type of family of friends. I also met a person that would cause lots of changes within my life, both positive and negative.
I say all this to say that I have had an amazing life. I am not who I'm going to be, but I'm not who I was. Everyday is a journey, and every moment is important, even the ones that don't seem to be. I have friends that love me beyond belief, and I definitely don't deserve them. And I have the most amazing family that anyone could ever ask for. My life is amazing, even through the hardships and the trials. I am thankful everyday for my blessings.
And I am glad to be living another year.
My journey has included many highs and lows. When I was younger, I lived in a home that was filled with more than just the scents of delicious food. I grew up in a house that had love pouring out of every window and door that we had. I had a father who worked hard to provide me with everything I needed. I never went hungry or without a place to live. And I remember smiling so much that I was given the nickname Scott Smiley.
As I got older, I went on trips, joined youth group, started singing at church. I began dating and socializing, and I was quite good at both. I joined the band and played flute for 3 years and enjoyed every moment of it.
Entering into high school, I got the chance to go to Mexico twice, began singing in the choir, and met my best friend to this day. I had my first real girlfriend. I went through multiple youth pastors at my church, and I began to really understand the love of my Jesus.
I went on to college, traveled to Chicago and multiple other locations, and developed a new type of family of friends. I also met a person that would cause lots of changes within my life, both positive and negative.
I say all this to say that I have had an amazing life. I am not who I'm going to be, but I'm not who I was. Everyday is a journey, and every moment is important, even the ones that don't seem to be. I have friends that love me beyond belief, and I definitely don't deserve them. And I have the most amazing family that anyone could ever ask for. My life is amazing, even through the hardships and the trials. I am thankful everyday for my blessings.
And I am glad to be living another year.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
This thing called love
I don't remember everything I read in the bible. I mean, Leviticus alone makes me want to poke my eyes out at times, although I know that it has purpose. But one thing I recall again and again throughout the bible is loving one another.
I fail at loving my brothers and sisters. It doesn't say love only the pretty people. Or the nice ones. Or just your friends. It says love one another. And this is something that I need help with.
I need to get off this mindset that we all have our "gifts". I know that God blesses each one of us with specific gifts, but just because I'm not as comfortable reaching out to homeless men and women as I am to children doesn't mean I can use that as an excuse to bypass these people.
Every decision that we make in our lives has already been planned out by our God. And each decision leads us in a different direction. I'm going to pray for this area of my life; to be more....courageous for my God.
I fail at loving my brothers and sisters. It doesn't say love only the pretty people. Or the nice ones. Or just your friends. It says love one another. And this is something that I need help with.
I need to get off this mindset that we all have our "gifts". I know that God blesses each one of us with specific gifts, but just because I'm not as comfortable reaching out to homeless men and women as I am to children doesn't mean I can use that as an excuse to bypass these people.
Every decision that we make in our lives has already been planned out by our God. And each decision leads us in a different direction. I'm going to pray for this area of my life; to be more....courageous for my God.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Its not on our terms
Leviticus is a great book of the bible. I'm learning more everyday through my friendships, my relationships, through really getting more into the word, and through my life experiences that God and His glory doesn't run on our time.
We are sinful to the core, and this includes being selfish. In our culture, we're so used to the idea of getting what we want, when we want it. And this often translates into your spiritual lives at time. At least I feel it does in my case.
Prior to this experience that I've been enduring, I think it was very easy for me to dismiss God somewhat when I didn't need Him. You know, shrink Him down in size so that I could carry Him in my back pocket for insurance. You know, when you put something in your back pocket, it tends to get smashed and destroyed when you sit down, which is what we do for the majority of our days.
But as soon as I was in pain, or upset, or wanting something to go my way...I pulled out my handy-dandy pocket sized Jesus. And He will always be there for us when we call on Him. But it might not always be in the way we want, or at the exact moment that we want. And that's what lots of non-believers try to use as a reason to discourage us in our beliefs. He doesn't answer prayer the way we want. There are problems in the world, why is He allowing that?
Well, people, the reason is that we neglect God when we feel like we don't need Him. And this is when our problems begin. And as soon as they do, then we're desperately seeking after Him.
I just want to encourage you to make Jesus a priority everyday. I know it's not going to happen all of the time, because we're human, and that's our nature. But God doesn't work on our time, in our way, on our terms. But it doesn't mean He isn't in love with us and working everything out in our favor.
We are sinful to the core, and this includes being selfish. In our culture, we're so used to the idea of getting what we want, when we want it. And this often translates into your spiritual lives at time. At least I feel it does in my case.
Prior to this experience that I've been enduring, I think it was very easy for me to dismiss God somewhat when I didn't need Him. You know, shrink Him down in size so that I could carry Him in my back pocket for insurance. You know, when you put something in your back pocket, it tends to get smashed and destroyed when you sit down, which is what we do for the majority of our days.
But as soon as I was in pain, or upset, or wanting something to go my way...I pulled out my handy-dandy pocket sized Jesus. And He will always be there for us when we call on Him. But it might not always be in the way we want, or at the exact moment that we want. And that's what lots of non-believers try to use as a reason to discourage us in our beliefs. He doesn't answer prayer the way we want. There are problems in the world, why is He allowing that?
Well, people, the reason is that we neglect God when we feel like we don't need Him. And this is when our problems begin. And as soon as they do, then we're desperately seeking after Him.
I just want to encourage you to make Jesus a priority everyday. I know it's not going to happen all of the time, because we're human, and that's our nature. But God doesn't work on our time, in our way, on our terms. But it doesn't mean He isn't in love with us and working everything out in our favor.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The overwhelming feeling of your heart being ripped to shreds
Yesterday, I woke up completely discouraged. I don't ever recommend waking up that way, because it sets a terrible tone for the rest of the day. However, I was in pain again, and I didn't want to be. I thought it was over, I thought this weekend proved to be the beginning of my healing process. I thought I would feel better each day, but when I awoke yesterday, I realized that wasn't the case.
I feel as though it is easy to slip into these bouts of self-pity and depression and sorrow when things aren't going in the direction that we would like them to. For me, this is particularly true. For those of you that read this blog and know me, you know that I am not only a stubborn individual, but an impatient one, as well. Not to mention impulsive. Combine all these qualities with being in pain constantly for a week and a half, and you've got a boy that isn't a happy camper.
Yesterday, I went to physical therapy, holding out the hope that afterwards, I would begin to feel better again, just like I had on Friday. When this didn't seem to be the case, I slumped into the couch, encased with tears until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up later and continued to cry and eat lunch and feel sorrow for myself, crying out to Jesus, beginning for understanding and for Him to selfishly take away my pain. As though I had never caused Him an ounce of pain in my life.
After I pulled myself together a little bit, I decided to try and do some homework for as long as I could manage to sit upright at the computer, which is a big no-no for my present condition. And I even tried to go down by the pool and change the scenery, so I didn't feel as alone as I did in the apartment. And even though it was stunningly beautiful outside, I still griped and cried in pain.
When I got back, it was time for me to go to work, so I left and started driving. Once on the highway, I began bawling again like a baby, crying out to Jesus, wondering if He was listening or if I had irritated Him too much today. And then the most amazing thing happened.
When I got off of 95, I started heading West on Linton, like always. And I don't know where exactly or why, but suddenly, Christ came into my heart and overwhelmed me. My tears of pity turned into sobs of calming relief, excitement, and happiness. I had no idea what was going on, but I didn't want to lose the feeling. God had literally come into my presence in the way that He does, and I was overwhelmed. I couldn't quite understand what was going on, except that this was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced.
I've often felt as though the people that I've heard say "I could feel Jesus holding me" or "I could feel His presence inside of me, living within my heart" were just saying that to look good to other Christians. But now I know the exact experience they are talking about, because I had it.
And the most amazing thing about it was that suddenly, God turned my pain and suffering into something different. I was still in the same amount of pain and suffering as I had been five minutes prior to this, but suddenly, it didn't seem so horrible. God had changed my heart of sadness into one of joy and understanding, and the pain had changed from something that seemed like a death sentence into a renewing sense of hope, understanding, and life to the fullest.
I felt I could conquer this pain, and I wasn't going to allow it to control me anymore.
I know now that God is still working on me. He has been since it happened, and He will continue to until the day I die, and until this pain is gone. But what gives me hope is that all this pain I am going through has become joyful, because this pain is being caused my God's healing to my heart. He is ripping away all the things that are evil and ugly and that keep me from Him, and that is physically and emotionally painful. Since I am someone that is very spontaneous, I believe that Jesus had to do this in a way that would literally paralyze me in a way and plague me with pain to encourage me to really call out to Him and trust in Him and seek after what this was all about. And I am incredibly encouraged and thankful that He has been doing that in my life.
I am feeling alive in the most genuine, amazing way that I have ever experienced, and it blows my mind. I want to share it with the world, and I don't want to ever stop seeking after it.
When I woke up this morning, and ironically enough, I finally slept the whole night through last night, I began reading my Bible, and then I read an article my dad gave me on Sunday. I was completely encouraged by this article because of its truth about a nation that doesn't believe in our God and tries to disprove Him, yet He renews our hope and understanding again and again in His word. I'm just going to share a few verses that seem to have been written directly to me by My God:
Psalm 34:18- If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.
Psalm 34:20- He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.
Hebrews 13:5- Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, " Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
John 16:33- I've told you all this so that trusting Me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world, you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world!
1 John 5:4- For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.
This is where I am in my journey today. I'm not done, I'm not finished, and He is not finished with me. He loves me so much that He is breaking me physically for His name. How incredible that God would care so much about insignificant me to do such things. THAT is overwhelming.
I feel as though it is easy to slip into these bouts of self-pity and depression and sorrow when things aren't going in the direction that we would like them to. For me, this is particularly true. For those of you that read this blog and know me, you know that I am not only a stubborn individual, but an impatient one, as well. Not to mention impulsive. Combine all these qualities with being in pain constantly for a week and a half, and you've got a boy that isn't a happy camper.
Yesterday, I went to physical therapy, holding out the hope that afterwards, I would begin to feel better again, just like I had on Friday. When this didn't seem to be the case, I slumped into the couch, encased with tears until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up later and continued to cry and eat lunch and feel sorrow for myself, crying out to Jesus, beginning for understanding and for Him to selfishly take away my pain. As though I had never caused Him an ounce of pain in my life.
After I pulled myself together a little bit, I decided to try and do some homework for as long as I could manage to sit upright at the computer, which is a big no-no for my present condition. And I even tried to go down by the pool and change the scenery, so I didn't feel as alone as I did in the apartment. And even though it was stunningly beautiful outside, I still griped and cried in pain.
When I got back, it was time for me to go to work, so I left and started driving. Once on the highway, I began bawling again like a baby, crying out to Jesus, wondering if He was listening or if I had irritated Him too much today. And then the most amazing thing happened.
When I got off of 95, I started heading West on Linton, like always. And I don't know where exactly or why, but suddenly, Christ came into my heart and overwhelmed me. My tears of pity turned into sobs of calming relief, excitement, and happiness. I had no idea what was going on, but I didn't want to lose the feeling. God had literally come into my presence in the way that He does, and I was overwhelmed. I couldn't quite understand what was going on, except that this was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced.
I've often felt as though the people that I've heard say "I could feel Jesus holding me" or "I could feel His presence inside of me, living within my heart" were just saying that to look good to other Christians. But now I know the exact experience they are talking about, because I had it.
And the most amazing thing about it was that suddenly, God turned my pain and suffering into something different. I was still in the same amount of pain and suffering as I had been five minutes prior to this, but suddenly, it didn't seem so horrible. God had changed my heart of sadness into one of joy and understanding, and the pain had changed from something that seemed like a death sentence into a renewing sense of hope, understanding, and life to the fullest.
I felt I could conquer this pain, and I wasn't going to allow it to control me anymore.
I know now that God is still working on me. He has been since it happened, and He will continue to until the day I die, and until this pain is gone. But what gives me hope is that all this pain I am going through has become joyful, because this pain is being caused my God's healing to my heart. He is ripping away all the things that are evil and ugly and that keep me from Him, and that is physically and emotionally painful. Since I am someone that is very spontaneous, I believe that Jesus had to do this in a way that would literally paralyze me in a way and plague me with pain to encourage me to really call out to Him and trust in Him and seek after what this was all about. And I am incredibly encouraged and thankful that He has been doing that in my life.
I am feeling alive in the most genuine, amazing way that I have ever experienced, and it blows my mind. I want to share it with the world, and I don't want to ever stop seeking after it.
When I woke up this morning, and ironically enough, I finally slept the whole night through last night, I began reading my Bible, and then I read an article my dad gave me on Sunday. I was completely encouraged by this article because of its truth about a nation that doesn't believe in our God and tries to disprove Him, yet He renews our hope and understanding again and again in His word. I'm just going to share a few verses that seem to have been written directly to me by My God:
Psalm 34:18- If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.
Psalm 34:20- He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.
Hebrews 13:5- Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, " Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
John 16:33- I've told you all this so that trusting Me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world, you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world!
1 John 5:4- For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.
This is where I am in my journey today. I'm not done, I'm not finished, and He is not finished with me. He loves me so much that He is breaking me physically for His name. How incredible that God would care so much about insignificant me to do such things. THAT is overwhelming.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
The craft show that turned into another form of healing
Today is my mom's annual Christmas Craft Show. She works all year long making tons of crafts for all types of holidays and cookies and then sets up shop in her house two weekends before Thanksgiving and sells them. It is a tradition, and one that has been going on my entire life. And today, I believe, was the most success she has ever had, in my eyes.
I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally broken down in the past 9 days of my life. I have been exhausted and in pain that I never thought I would encounter. And today was the one of the most amazing days I've ever experienced.
God has revealed so much to me through this horrific experience in my life to me that it is overwhelming. And today was no exception.
I was fortunate enough to be able to share my struggles and my revelations with multiple people that I otherwise would never have spoken to in so much depth. God really has a way of revealing more and more in my life the more I am willing to be bold and share His love for me with others.
This post is mostly to say what I walked away with today. And what that is is that we have no control over the situations in our lives. We cannot choose the hand we are dealt, but we can choose how we handle it. God gives us free will, but He ultimately knows the direction we are going to head in. And this is so encouraging to me, because I know that I am walking side by side with Jesus.
And the more I have spoken to people today about what I went through and what I got out of it, the more I have learned about what else God was revealing to me, and through other people! Today I have experienced forgiveness, love, happiness, and excitement. God is living inside me, and I can feel Him. I can feel Him in my words, and I can feel Him in my breath, and I can feel Him in my healing.
I was reading today that a man suffering with HIV wrote this down in his journal to comfort himself: When I am sad, I think about Jesus, and I am no longer sad. When I am in pain, I think about the love of God in my life, and I am no longer in pain. And when I am tired, I think about Jesus and I am renewed. It was something along those lines. But that is quite an encouragement.
God controls every part of us, yet He gives us the option of choosing Him over the world. The world tries to label us and our struggles as good or bad, better or worse than one another. Like being fat is better than being gay, because you can lose weight, but you can't lose gay. And who is to say that either is good? We each deal with our own private, unique burdens and struggles. And we each respond and deal with them in our own way. But none are worse than the other. God puts everything on the same level for us, because every struggle is a struggle, no matter the size or the shape or the offense. And it is our job to respond in a way that has Jesus written all over it.
I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally broken down in the past 9 days of my life. I have been exhausted and in pain that I never thought I would encounter. And today was the one of the most amazing days I've ever experienced.
God has revealed so much to me through this horrific experience in my life to me that it is overwhelming. And today was no exception.
I was fortunate enough to be able to share my struggles and my revelations with multiple people that I otherwise would never have spoken to in so much depth. God really has a way of revealing more and more in my life the more I am willing to be bold and share His love for me with others.
This post is mostly to say what I walked away with today. And what that is is that we have no control over the situations in our lives. We cannot choose the hand we are dealt, but we can choose how we handle it. God gives us free will, but He ultimately knows the direction we are going to head in. And this is so encouraging to me, because I know that I am walking side by side with Jesus.
And the more I have spoken to people today about what I went through and what I got out of it, the more I have learned about what else God was revealing to me, and through other people! Today I have experienced forgiveness, love, happiness, and excitement. God is living inside me, and I can feel Him. I can feel Him in my words, and I can feel Him in my breath, and I can feel Him in my healing.
I was reading today that a man suffering with HIV wrote this down in his journal to comfort himself: When I am sad, I think about Jesus, and I am no longer sad. When I am in pain, I think about the love of God in my life, and I am no longer in pain. And when I am tired, I think about Jesus and I am renewed. It was something along those lines. But that is quite an encouragement.
God controls every part of us, yet He gives us the option of choosing Him over the world. The world tries to label us and our struggles as good or bad, better or worse than one another. Like being fat is better than being gay, because you can lose weight, but you can't lose gay. And who is to say that either is good? We each deal with our own private, unique burdens and struggles. And we each respond and deal with them in our own way. But none are worse than the other. God puts everything on the same level for us, because every struggle is a struggle, no matter the size or the shape or the offense. And it is our job to respond in a way that has Jesus written all over it.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Continued
So after the doctor and the meds and still being in so much pain, I went to see my chiropractor. He told me that I just made a mess of myself, didn't really diagnosis me, just told me I'd need to put some Traumeel on it, take it easy, and come back for more adjustments.
Well this left me in complete discomfort because I still had no idea the length of time it would take to heal or the overall damage. Then I went to the Physical Therapist. And it was after that consultation that I began the first day of my breakdown. She told me that it was a herniated disc. And that it would be with me for the rest of my life, flaring up at times. I know that most of the time it won't cause me pain, but knowing that it could flare up at sometime and having to endure it again for a day or two or however long disturbs me and I just lost it.
But today is the first day that I've started feeling better. Last night, I slept the whole night through for the first time in a week. But I say all of this to say that this has been and is continuing to be a journey, a life experience.
I have had to give up complete control to God. There is nothing that I have done that has made me feel better, and no matter how much I manipulate my body and take pills and sleep a certain way to get rid of the pain, it won't leave just because I want it to.
This whole experience has revealed a number of things to me. The first thing that I have learned is that I have severely neglected the people that surround me on a daily basis. It is easy to neglect the ones we love most because we feel like they'll always be there. This is especially true of my parents. My dad was the one who took me to the MD Now the first day it happened, and paid for the appointment without even a thought.
My dad took out his wallet again to pay for the medications. Again, not even blinking. It was just as though he wouldn't even allow money to be an issue for healing my pain. And that threw me.
Then my mom took me to every chiropractor and physical therapy appointment I had, again shelling out $35 here and $35 there and taking me for coffee and breakfast and listening to me cry and complain and moan. She wouldn't even think of not being there for me.
And the most amazing thing that I've learned about my parents is that they love me so much that my pain becomes their pain. My suffering has been their suffering, and I can see it all over their faces. And to me, this is incredible. And this is the major reason that I have shed so many tears in the past few days. God revealed in my heart that my parents would do anything and everything to care for me, no matter the cost, no matter the pain. And that is selfless love at its very best.
Another area that has been revealed to me is my brother and my friends. It is along the same lines as my parents, but it is different. My brother is not someone that is good with emotions and confrontations, good or bad. Yet when he saw me in pain, I could see the pain on his face, and he has done nothing but encourage me and love me each day. And that is huge to me.
Holly has texted me everyday to see how I was feeling. And for a person to even take a small portion out of their day while they are busy to ask that is amazing.
The final thing that has been revealed to me is my struggles. I have been struggling with my desires. I have plateaued. I have gotten to a place in my relationship with Christ that I thought was good enough. However, I was still struggling with wasting time on the computer trying to find...satisfaction. Trying to find someone else that could relate to me, someone I could share my desires with. But my desires were different than the ones God has in store for me.
And this was revealed to me because I was literally unable to use the computer as I was in so much pain. So God really took everything that I was struggling with and stopped it dead in its tracks.
I have reached a point where I know I have so much growth to do in my relationships with friends, family, and Christ. And I am excited for that! I have deleted accounts that were meaningless and that were drawing me farther and farther away from God. And a friend was talking with me the other day and told me something that is so inspiring and so true.
We don't think about trusting in God or thanking God for His blessings when our lives are going great nearly as much as we do when our lives are in despair. I'm telling you, God uses the most terrible, low situations in our lives to show us His love more than ever. And I hated everything I went through and will continue to go through because it isn't my way. But I have sat down in my closet, against my dresser, and just cried out to God in the most true form of worship and honor and praise that I have ever experienced in my life.
And THAT is the journey of THIS man at this point.
Well this left me in complete discomfort because I still had no idea the length of time it would take to heal or the overall damage. Then I went to the Physical Therapist. And it was after that consultation that I began the first day of my breakdown. She told me that it was a herniated disc. And that it would be with me for the rest of my life, flaring up at times. I know that most of the time it won't cause me pain, but knowing that it could flare up at sometime and having to endure it again for a day or two or however long disturbs me and I just lost it.
But today is the first day that I've started feeling better. Last night, I slept the whole night through for the first time in a week. But I say all of this to say that this has been and is continuing to be a journey, a life experience.
I have had to give up complete control to God. There is nothing that I have done that has made me feel better, and no matter how much I manipulate my body and take pills and sleep a certain way to get rid of the pain, it won't leave just because I want it to.
This whole experience has revealed a number of things to me. The first thing that I have learned is that I have severely neglected the people that surround me on a daily basis. It is easy to neglect the ones we love most because we feel like they'll always be there. This is especially true of my parents. My dad was the one who took me to the MD Now the first day it happened, and paid for the appointment without even a thought.
My dad took out his wallet again to pay for the medications. Again, not even blinking. It was just as though he wouldn't even allow money to be an issue for healing my pain. And that threw me.
Then my mom took me to every chiropractor and physical therapy appointment I had, again shelling out $35 here and $35 there and taking me for coffee and breakfast and listening to me cry and complain and moan. She wouldn't even think of not being there for me.
And the most amazing thing that I've learned about my parents is that they love me so much that my pain becomes their pain. My suffering has been their suffering, and I can see it all over their faces. And to me, this is incredible. And this is the major reason that I have shed so many tears in the past few days. God revealed in my heart that my parents would do anything and everything to care for me, no matter the cost, no matter the pain. And that is selfless love at its very best.
Another area that has been revealed to me is my brother and my friends. It is along the same lines as my parents, but it is different. My brother is not someone that is good with emotions and confrontations, good or bad. Yet when he saw me in pain, I could see the pain on his face, and he has done nothing but encourage me and love me each day. And that is huge to me.
Holly has texted me everyday to see how I was feeling. And for a person to even take a small portion out of their day while they are busy to ask that is amazing.
The final thing that has been revealed to me is my struggles. I have been struggling with my desires. I have plateaued. I have gotten to a place in my relationship with Christ that I thought was good enough. However, I was still struggling with wasting time on the computer trying to find...satisfaction. Trying to find someone else that could relate to me, someone I could share my desires with. But my desires were different than the ones God has in store for me.
And this was revealed to me because I was literally unable to use the computer as I was in so much pain. So God really took everything that I was struggling with and stopped it dead in its tracks.
I have reached a point where I know I have so much growth to do in my relationships with friends, family, and Christ. And I am excited for that! I have deleted accounts that were meaningless and that were drawing me farther and farther away from God. And a friend was talking with me the other day and told me something that is so inspiring and so true.
We don't think about trusting in God or thanking God for His blessings when our lives are going great nearly as much as we do when our lives are in despair. I'm telling you, God uses the most terrible, low situations in our lives to show us His love more than ever. And I hated everything I went through and will continue to go through because it isn't my way. But I have sat down in my closet, against my dresser, and just cried out to God in the most true form of worship and honor and praise that I have ever experienced in my life.
And THAT is the journey of THIS man at this point.
A fork in the road
A little over a week ago, I was heading downstairs with my skateboard to go to the gym. The gym I go to is in my neighborhood, part of my development. But it is far enough away from my apartment that I ride my skateboard there. I feel like it adds a little bit extra to my workout by not just getting in the car and driving, yet it is more fun than just simply walking.
I guess it had rained the night before, or the morning of, as it was only 8:30am at this point. But I've ridden my skateboard after it had rained before, so I thought nothing of it. Until I was heading down a hill.
I knew that if I tried to turn, the roads would be too wet and I would wipe out, so instead I kept going straight toward the sidewalk at which point I would just jump off, like I normally do. By the way, I was riding a ripstick, so it is a little more complicated than your average skateboard as it is all about balance.
Just as I was getting ready to jump off, the skateboard slipped out from underneath me. It had been extra slippery on the parking lines. You know, the lines that they paint onto the pavement for parking spaces.
The skateboard shot out in front of me, and I flew into the air, and landed on my back/right side of my body. Immediately, I knew I was in big trouble. But of course, the first thing I did was shoot right up onto my feet, desperately praying that nobody had seen me. And nobody had, thankfully.
However, I decided going to the gym at this point wouldn't be a very wise idea, so I turned and took my skateboard and started walking back to my apartment. I was mumbling obscenities the whole time because already my butt was beginning to hurt. Great, just what I need, a sore bum.
I saw my brother on the way down to work, and I briefly told him what happened. At this point, I thought somehow I had gotten away with just a sore butt. Boy was I wrong.
As the day progressed, I became more and more immobile. I went to meet my mom at the mall and told her all about it. At this point I still felt like it was just going to be sore for a few days, nothing major.
However, I went to the school to pick up Akshar and brought him home, and realized that it was literally causing me the most intense pain I had ever experienced just to drive my car. I knew something was wrong, but I was trying to remain calm. I was in great shape and nothing bad was going to happen to me. Right.
Well, after a GRUELING two hours of work, because luckily Thursdays were their busy days so I only work two hours, I called my mom and dad, pretty much in tears, telling them how much pain I was in, and that I was sure I needed to go to the doctor and get an x-ray.
My dad immediately picked me up, and of course it had to be pouring rain. He took me to MD Now, which is a horrible place, don't ever go there, and $130 later, the doctor told me I had sprained my neck. Although on the chart he wrote it as cervical ridiculitis. Doctor talk.
I was prescribed generic vicadin and some muscle relaxers, neither of which have done a thing for relieving my pain.
Friday was another day filled with intense pain that I have never felt in my life. I was worried beyond belief.
and that's all for now, I'll fill you in on the rest later, just to keep you hanging.
I guess it had rained the night before, or the morning of, as it was only 8:30am at this point. But I've ridden my skateboard after it had rained before, so I thought nothing of it. Until I was heading down a hill.
I knew that if I tried to turn, the roads would be too wet and I would wipe out, so instead I kept going straight toward the sidewalk at which point I would just jump off, like I normally do. By the way, I was riding a ripstick, so it is a little more complicated than your average skateboard as it is all about balance.
Just as I was getting ready to jump off, the skateboard slipped out from underneath me. It had been extra slippery on the parking lines. You know, the lines that they paint onto the pavement for parking spaces.
The skateboard shot out in front of me, and I flew into the air, and landed on my back/right side of my body. Immediately, I knew I was in big trouble. But of course, the first thing I did was shoot right up onto my feet, desperately praying that nobody had seen me. And nobody had, thankfully.
However, I decided going to the gym at this point wouldn't be a very wise idea, so I turned and took my skateboard and started walking back to my apartment. I was mumbling obscenities the whole time because already my butt was beginning to hurt. Great, just what I need, a sore bum.
I saw my brother on the way down to work, and I briefly told him what happened. At this point, I thought somehow I had gotten away with just a sore butt. Boy was I wrong.
As the day progressed, I became more and more immobile. I went to meet my mom at the mall and told her all about it. At this point I still felt like it was just going to be sore for a few days, nothing major.
However, I went to the school to pick up Akshar and brought him home, and realized that it was literally causing me the most intense pain I had ever experienced just to drive my car. I knew something was wrong, but I was trying to remain calm. I was in great shape and nothing bad was going to happen to me. Right.
Well, after a GRUELING two hours of work, because luckily Thursdays were their busy days so I only work two hours, I called my mom and dad, pretty much in tears, telling them how much pain I was in, and that I was sure I needed to go to the doctor and get an x-ray.
My dad immediately picked me up, and of course it had to be pouring rain. He took me to MD Now, which is a horrible place, don't ever go there, and $130 later, the doctor told me I had sprained my neck. Although on the chart he wrote it as cervical ridiculitis. Doctor talk.
I was prescribed generic vicadin and some muscle relaxers, neither of which have done a thing for relieving my pain.
Friday was another day filled with intense pain that I have never felt in my life. I was worried beyond belief.
and that's all for now, I'll fill you in on the rest later, just to keep you hanging.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A picture.
Even though its over, and it was my choice to end it; and even though its been almost 4 years since it happened; and even though I know you weren't the right person for me; and even though I learned a lot from that situation; and even though I'm better off.....
Seeing a picture of the way we were still makes it hard to breathe.
Seeing a picture of the way we were still makes it hard to breathe.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Today is today.
I wanted to go to work yesterday and not feel anxiety. Not feel stressed. Not feel like I just want to run away and never look back. But that wasn't how it began.
As soon as I got there, Akshar was at the door. And he was being so cute. He does this thing when he answers the door where he tries to open it and run away and hide before I see him. But the door is quite huge and made of this magnificent wood, which is very heavy, so he doesn't get more than 2 steps away before I see him. So I think, "This is going to be a good day, he's happy".
Well, as soon as I sit him down and ask him to start reading, things go south. He's goofing off, purposely falling off the couch, and taking 35 minutes to read 1.5 chapters, which are only about...5-6 pages long. And boy, if this doesn't annoy me, I don't know what does. But I can't just scream at him, and I can't hit him, so it takes everything in me to talk to him rationally. And he just gets mad because he doesn't want to read, so we struggle through the rest of it.
How can I blame him? He's 6 years old and reading chapter books that are way too advanced for him, but you can't tell his mom that. He has to read all the same books his brothers read at that age. The Indian culture has to be perfect academically, and they have to be financially secure. Beyond secure. Those are the two requirements, so here I am.
But after we finish all the rest of the work, which takes another 45 minutes, we sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Me and a 6-year old. These are the people I have heart-to-heart talks with. I can't say I don't get a lot out of them, though. I love them.
And then it hits me. I don't do this job just for the incredible pay. And I don't do it to try and help these kids become genius students. I do it because they are starving for positive attention. They are yearning, crying, screaming out for someone to love them unconditionally, whether they get a 100% on a test or a 50%. And that's truly what I believe God allows me to provide for them. So once again, I stay. And I promise myself to finish out this school year with them.
And later, Avi and I work on this huge game board project. And we just talk and laugh and bond. He and I are very close. I've worked with him since we was 7, and he's now 11. He looks up to me, I can tell, but more than that, I think he values me. And I truly value him. He is intelligent beyond measure. But what I love about him the most is that he doesn't understand me when I tell him I'm going to be proud of him no matter what grades he gets. I tell him if he tries his best, truly, then I'm proud of him. And that's...foreign to him. And that not only breaks my heart, but it makes me love him more, and it makes me not ever want to leave him.
So, here I am. Still sticking around with those boys. And God blessed me with this family. Even when it seems cursed, even when I want to punch Shenoo in the face, smack her across the face and tell her she's being a terrible mother, SOMEHOW get her to understand that she just needs to LOVE her children for exactly who they are, I am blessed, because I get to change lives. In exactly the way God has intended me to change them.
Encouraged. Uplifted. Inspired.
As soon as I got there, Akshar was at the door. And he was being so cute. He does this thing when he answers the door where he tries to open it and run away and hide before I see him. But the door is quite huge and made of this magnificent wood, which is very heavy, so he doesn't get more than 2 steps away before I see him. So I think, "This is going to be a good day, he's happy".
Well, as soon as I sit him down and ask him to start reading, things go south. He's goofing off, purposely falling off the couch, and taking 35 minutes to read 1.5 chapters, which are only about...5-6 pages long. And boy, if this doesn't annoy me, I don't know what does. But I can't just scream at him, and I can't hit him, so it takes everything in me to talk to him rationally. And he just gets mad because he doesn't want to read, so we struggle through the rest of it.
How can I blame him? He's 6 years old and reading chapter books that are way too advanced for him, but you can't tell his mom that. He has to read all the same books his brothers read at that age. The Indian culture has to be perfect academically, and they have to be financially secure. Beyond secure. Those are the two requirements, so here I am.
But after we finish all the rest of the work, which takes another 45 minutes, we sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Me and a 6-year old. These are the people I have heart-to-heart talks with. I can't say I don't get a lot out of them, though. I love them.
And then it hits me. I don't do this job just for the incredible pay. And I don't do it to try and help these kids become genius students. I do it because they are starving for positive attention. They are yearning, crying, screaming out for someone to love them unconditionally, whether they get a 100% on a test or a 50%. And that's truly what I believe God allows me to provide for them. So once again, I stay. And I promise myself to finish out this school year with them.
And later, Avi and I work on this huge game board project. And we just talk and laugh and bond. He and I are very close. I've worked with him since we was 7, and he's now 11. He looks up to me, I can tell, but more than that, I think he values me. And I truly value him. He is intelligent beyond measure. But what I love about him the most is that he doesn't understand me when I tell him I'm going to be proud of him no matter what grades he gets. I tell him if he tries his best, truly, then I'm proud of him. And that's...foreign to him. And that not only breaks my heart, but it makes me love him more, and it makes me not ever want to leave him.
So, here I am. Still sticking around with those boys. And God blessed me with this family. Even when it seems cursed, even when I want to punch Shenoo in the face, smack her across the face and tell her she's being a terrible mother, SOMEHOW get her to understand that she just needs to LOVE her children for exactly who they are, I am blessed, because I get to change lives. In exactly the way God has intended me to change them.
Encouraged. Uplifted. Inspired.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sometimes you just have to be reminded
I woke up at 3:30am this morning. The reason why is because I hate my job. I know that hate is a strong word to use, and you're right, I don't really hate it. In fact, I love that I only have to work 8-10 hours/week and still make incredible money. I'm completely fortunate and God blessed my soul with this job. And I'm in love with those boys that I work with. In love with their hearts and their souls and their laughter. But there are certain aspects to the job that I can't handle sometimes, and that literally keeps me up at night. Mainly, their mother, aka my boss. She wants so much from me and yet, I can't deliver it, because I can't make her children pass a test or do well on a project. I can help, but beyond that, it is out of my control. And I quite like the feeling of loss of control, because it forcibly reminds me that I truly have no control over anything in this world, and I can't accept the responsibility.
So this morning, Tyler had sent me an amazing verse out of the bible to wake up to. Tyler is a person that lives on the other side of the country (Portland) that has unexpectedly come into my life, but with such passion, and such dedication and encouragement, that I know, truly, God placed him in my path for the sole purpose of using him as a prayer warrior, a friend, and to hold me accountable in my struggles. He and I are similar in many ways, and it excites me to know there are people in this world that I can rely on that completely understand the exact place I am in and the struggle I deal with daily.
The verse he shared with me comes from 1 Timothy 4:8-10, and in the message version it says: "Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever, You can count on this. Take it to heart. This is why we've thrown ourselves into this venture so completely. We're banking on the living God, Savior of all men and women, especially believers". Wow. I mean, that hits me like a ton of bricks. And that was the way I started my morning, at 8am. This from a man I've never even met personally, but that I feel this incredible bond with. That is God's work in my life, and in his, right there.
I had to share back with him Luke 14:33 which says, "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can't be my disciple". To me, that verse means so much. It deals with our struggles head on. It is God saying, give this up. Give up this love for something more than me. I am more than enough, I am more than you'll ever find anywhere on earth. And when I think of it that way, I can breathe.
In your struggle, I don't know what gets you through. I don't know if you try to find things to get you through, or if you just let it control you. For me, I can't fully let it control me. I have before, that's definitely true. But a part of my heart is so gripped by the love of my God that He always squeezes so tightly at some point that it squashes out the part that was trying to take me away from Him. And these verses, this encouragement from a friend...this is what gets me through.
Phil 3:7-14 is my life verse. I won't type it all out, I'll make you go on a hunt to find what it says. But trust that rereading this verse this morning gave me the push I needed to go on. I can't often stand the sight of my boss, but reading this verse, I know that God will always provide for me, and I know that He'll always give me the strength to go on, and He'll never put me in a situation that has no purpose. So I know I'm meant to be in their lives right now and vice versa. And I know that its because they have a mother who wants to see them succeed academically and in riches more than she cares for their hearts and souls, and He has placed me in their lives to create a balance there, and encourage them, love them, protect them, and make them feel alive.
After reading these verses and speaking briefly via text with Tyler, I read a bunch of short stories that the oldest one is working on and has to use to make an actual board game around, so now I'm set on the stories, wrote down a bunch of questions he can use for the question and chance cards, and made a schedule of how to knock out this project. God does great things, because He has set my heart and soul at ease for the moment now.
So this morning, Tyler had sent me an amazing verse out of the bible to wake up to. Tyler is a person that lives on the other side of the country (Portland) that has unexpectedly come into my life, but with such passion, and such dedication and encouragement, that I know, truly, God placed him in my path for the sole purpose of using him as a prayer warrior, a friend, and to hold me accountable in my struggles. He and I are similar in many ways, and it excites me to know there are people in this world that I can rely on that completely understand the exact place I am in and the struggle I deal with daily.
The verse he shared with me comes from 1 Timothy 4:8-10, and in the message version it says: "Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever, You can count on this. Take it to heart. This is why we've thrown ourselves into this venture so completely. We're banking on the living God, Savior of all men and women, especially believers". Wow. I mean, that hits me like a ton of bricks. And that was the way I started my morning, at 8am. This from a man I've never even met personally, but that I feel this incredible bond with. That is God's work in my life, and in his, right there.
I had to share back with him Luke 14:33 which says, "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can't be my disciple". To me, that verse means so much. It deals with our struggles head on. It is God saying, give this up. Give up this love for something more than me. I am more than enough, I am more than you'll ever find anywhere on earth. And when I think of it that way, I can breathe.
In your struggle, I don't know what gets you through. I don't know if you try to find things to get you through, or if you just let it control you. For me, I can't fully let it control me. I have before, that's definitely true. But a part of my heart is so gripped by the love of my God that He always squeezes so tightly at some point that it squashes out the part that was trying to take me away from Him. And these verses, this encouragement from a friend...this is what gets me through.
Phil 3:7-14 is my life verse. I won't type it all out, I'll make you go on a hunt to find what it says. But trust that rereading this verse this morning gave me the push I needed to go on. I can't often stand the sight of my boss, but reading this verse, I know that God will always provide for me, and I know that He'll always give me the strength to go on, and He'll never put me in a situation that has no purpose. So I know I'm meant to be in their lives right now and vice versa. And I know that its because they have a mother who wants to see them succeed academically and in riches more than she cares for their hearts and souls, and He has placed me in their lives to create a balance there, and encourage them, love them, protect them, and make them feel alive.
After reading these verses and speaking briefly via text with Tyler, I read a bunch of short stories that the oldest one is working on and has to use to make an actual board game around, so now I'm set on the stories, wrote down a bunch of questions he can use for the question and chance cards, and made a schedule of how to knock out this project. God does great things, because He has set my heart and soul at ease for the moment now.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Press Play
This is the story of me. This is the history of a man that was, is, and will be. This will be the written account of a man that struggles with a beast everyday of his life. These are the scars and battle wounds received along the way. This is the account of how those wounds have been healed, and continue to heal each time a new one is earned.
I am just a man. And it's odd to even consider myself a man, because there has been such a struggle to get to where I am that sometimes I feel I don't deserve the title of 'man'. But what makes a man? Someone with huge muscles? An amazing athlete? Someone that works out all the time, constantly trying to improve himself for...himself? Or is it someone that drinks a lot of beer, or orders his wife around constantly neglecting her needs? To be a man, does that mean I need to eat lots of red meat, grab my nuts, and watch football? I don't know what it means to be a man, but over the years, I have begun to form my own opinion of what it truly means to be a man.
Being a man isn't about testosterone. To be considered a man in my book, it means struggling with the cross we bear, and yet overcoming it again and again. Being a man doesn't mean you are perfect, it means you are imperfect, and you acknowledge that imperfection rather than try to hide it. In my eyes, being a man means respecting the woman you love, honoring and cherishing your family, comforting your friends beyond the point of a beer and some peanuts while you blow off steam watching the game at a local bar. To be a man could quite possibly be one of the hardest things to accomplish.
I don't know where I'll end up, but I know where I've been, and I know where I'm at, and I can say that through it all, it has been hard. It has been harder than I'd ever have expected it to be ten years ago. I didn't think I would ever be where I am now had you asked me when I was 16. But then again, who really knows at that age? But over the years, more specifically the last 5 years or so, I have begun to understand more and more what it means to be not just a man, but to be a human, to be alive. I've tried searching for it in the world of music. Oh the stories I could tell you of my high school and early college years spent following my favorite bands around the state, going from show to show, earning my stripes in the mosh pits, sweating with stranges, and singing so loud with every piece of my soul. But I didn't find my purpose there.
I've tried finding it in another person. I dated many girls hoping to find that piece of me that would finally complete my humanity and make me whole. When I didn't find it in those girls, I thought I must be looking in the wrong place. Of course, I was looking in the wrong place: girls. So I tried finding it in boys. I seemed to attract them more easily, and I had an attraction to them, as well, so this seemed completely logical. Tell me if you think I found it there, and I'll tell you that I actually think that took me farther away from finding what my soul was truly searching for.
When I didn't find it in men or women, I began spiraling downhill, fearing I would never find what it is I was searching for. That this gaping hole inside me would forever be filled with a cold breeze that wouldn't stop. In a desperate attempt to fill this hole and find some sort of relief, even just the most minimal of reliefs, I turned toward alcohol and dancing. The club life. I went out every week, for hours upon hours, staying out until the sun rose. Dancing with my "friends", drinking until I couldn't see straight, sharing sweat and glances with anyone and everyone I could. Something had to come of it, right? If you think that's where I found it, then maybe you're in the place I was at that point. But I hate to break it to you, I didn't ever find it there. And truthfully, a part of me knew I never would. But I had to try.
We're at the present time now. And although a part of me still feels a little sadness inside, I have been made whole. That gaping hole has lessened and lessened over the years. And I'm sure that a few of you will stop reading this post after the next few sentences, and that's okay. Because I know you'll stop reading out of fear. You'll stop reading because you aren't ready to admit the truth to yourself yet. Lying is easier than be devastated at the fact that this isn't going to be a quick fix, and that it's always going to be hard and always is going to be a struggle, but when you finish running from what you know is the only truth, you'll be right where I'm at. We all have to run for a little bit. It's all about the chase sometimes with us humans. And I think God knows that. In fact, I know that He knows that.
I found my soul at the foot of the cross. I don't care how cliche or how corny or pathetic that may sound to some people. I honestly don't. I mean, even at this moment, it is hard for me to see the screen and the words I am typing through the bleary eyes of a sinner that cries out continually to a God who never gives up on you. It's hard for me to even type this let alone say it because we are SO unworthy of any such reward. Completely and totally unacceptable. Which I think makes it harder for me to even grasp in the first place.
When I gave up the desires of my sinful, selfish heart, I began to feel peace for the first time. I began to actually feel my heart getting stronger, mending, refocusing, reforming in the image of MY God. The God that saved me from depravity. The God that took my 5+ years of running away, of alcohol, of sex, of pure selfish and sinful desires, and threw them away! Just TOSSED them out like the trash that they were. Never went back out and routed around it to wave in my face at another point when I would stumble again. He FORGOT them. He didn't acknowledge them ever again. He poured and poured and poured forgiveness all over my scars, my body of flesh that was rotten to the core, my heart that had stopped beating.
And that is where I am at right now. Today. In this moment. It will change again, I'm sure of it. I'll do something that will push me away from Him. I'll go after MY desires instead of following the call that I hear so clearly in my heart. And those cracks in my heart that I'll get, I know they'll be from me. And yet, I know that they'll never be there for long, because MY God doesn't give up on me. He never lets me go. He never causes me to fall. He never lets go of my hand. He sews up my wounds with His blood, with His tears, with His flesh. He takes His flesh and places it on the places where I have ripped myself apart. And He tells me, speaks to my heart, and says, "I love you now, and I love you forever, and I will not ever stop saving your life. You are my child, and that is the most important thing to Me. I don't care how many times you mess up, nothing you could ever do would stop or even diminish My love for you."
And the tears flow. And the heart races. And I know, now and forever, in Him, I am home.
And I have so much growing to do. But this is the place I am in, right now, in this moment. He is making me something beautiful, because all we are, we are. And He thinks that is beautiful.
I am just a man. And it's odd to even consider myself a man, because there has been such a struggle to get to where I am that sometimes I feel I don't deserve the title of 'man'. But what makes a man? Someone with huge muscles? An amazing athlete? Someone that works out all the time, constantly trying to improve himself for...himself? Or is it someone that drinks a lot of beer, or orders his wife around constantly neglecting her needs? To be a man, does that mean I need to eat lots of red meat, grab my nuts, and watch football? I don't know what it means to be a man, but over the years, I have begun to form my own opinion of what it truly means to be a man.
Being a man isn't about testosterone. To be considered a man in my book, it means struggling with the cross we bear, and yet overcoming it again and again. Being a man doesn't mean you are perfect, it means you are imperfect, and you acknowledge that imperfection rather than try to hide it. In my eyes, being a man means respecting the woman you love, honoring and cherishing your family, comforting your friends beyond the point of a beer and some peanuts while you blow off steam watching the game at a local bar. To be a man could quite possibly be one of the hardest things to accomplish.
I don't know where I'll end up, but I know where I've been, and I know where I'm at, and I can say that through it all, it has been hard. It has been harder than I'd ever have expected it to be ten years ago. I didn't think I would ever be where I am now had you asked me when I was 16. But then again, who really knows at that age? But over the years, more specifically the last 5 years or so, I have begun to understand more and more what it means to be not just a man, but to be a human, to be alive. I've tried searching for it in the world of music. Oh the stories I could tell you of my high school and early college years spent following my favorite bands around the state, going from show to show, earning my stripes in the mosh pits, sweating with stranges, and singing so loud with every piece of my soul. But I didn't find my purpose there.
I've tried finding it in another person. I dated many girls hoping to find that piece of me that would finally complete my humanity and make me whole. When I didn't find it in those girls, I thought I must be looking in the wrong place. Of course, I was looking in the wrong place: girls. So I tried finding it in boys. I seemed to attract them more easily, and I had an attraction to them, as well, so this seemed completely logical. Tell me if you think I found it there, and I'll tell you that I actually think that took me farther away from finding what my soul was truly searching for.
When I didn't find it in men or women, I began spiraling downhill, fearing I would never find what it is I was searching for. That this gaping hole inside me would forever be filled with a cold breeze that wouldn't stop. In a desperate attempt to fill this hole and find some sort of relief, even just the most minimal of reliefs, I turned toward alcohol and dancing. The club life. I went out every week, for hours upon hours, staying out until the sun rose. Dancing with my "friends", drinking until I couldn't see straight, sharing sweat and glances with anyone and everyone I could. Something had to come of it, right? If you think that's where I found it, then maybe you're in the place I was at that point. But I hate to break it to you, I didn't ever find it there. And truthfully, a part of me knew I never would. But I had to try.
We're at the present time now. And although a part of me still feels a little sadness inside, I have been made whole. That gaping hole has lessened and lessened over the years. And I'm sure that a few of you will stop reading this post after the next few sentences, and that's okay. Because I know you'll stop reading out of fear. You'll stop reading because you aren't ready to admit the truth to yourself yet. Lying is easier than be devastated at the fact that this isn't going to be a quick fix, and that it's always going to be hard and always is going to be a struggle, but when you finish running from what you know is the only truth, you'll be right where I'm at. We all have to run for a little bit. It's all about the chase sometimes with us humans. And I think God knows that. In fact, I know that He knows that.
I found my soul at the foot of the cross. I don't care how cliche or how corny or pathetic that may sound to some people. I honestly don't. I mean, even at this moment, it is hard for me to see the screen and the words I am typing through the bleary eyes of a sinner that cries out continually to a God who never gives up on you. It's hard for me to even type this let alone say it because we are SO unworthy of any such reward. Completely and totally unacceptable. Which I think makes it harder for me to even grasp in the first place.
When I gave up the desires of my sinful, selfish heart, I began to feel peace for the first time. I began to actually feel my heart getting stronger, mending, refocusing, reforming in the image of MY God. The God that saved me from depravity. The God that took my 5+ years of running away, of alcohol, of sex, of pure selfish and sinful desires, and threw them away! Just TOSSED them out like the trash that they were. Never went back out and routed around it to wave in my face at another point when I would stumble again. He FORGOT them. He didn't acknowledge them ever again. He poured and poured and poured forgiveness all over my scars, my body of flesh that was rotten to the core, my heart that had stopped beating.
And that is where I am at right now. Today. In this moment. It will change again, I'm sure of it. I'll do something that will push me away from Him. I'll go after MY desires instead of following the call that I hear so clearly in my heart. And those cracks in my heart that I'll get, I know they'll be from me. And yet, I know that they'll never be there for long, because MY God doesn't give up on me. He never lets me go. He never causes me to fall. He never lets go of my hand. He sews up my wounds with His blood, with His tears, with His flesh. He takes His flesh and places it on the places where I have ripped myself apart. And He tells me, speaks to my heart, and says, "I love you now, and I love you forever, and I will not ever stop saving your life. You are my child, and that is the most important thing to Me. I don't care how many times you mess up, nothing you could ever do would stop or even diminish My love for you."
And the tears flow. And the heart races. And I know, now and forever, in Him, I am home.
And I have so much growing to do. But this is the place I am in, right now, in this moment. He is making me something beautiful, because all we are, we are. And He thinks that is beautiful.
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