Today is a day in which all Floridians remember why they live here. The current weather is 60 degrees, sunny, and clear blue skies. Florida knows how to do cold the right way.
There are so many thoughts in my head that it is hard to know where to begin. My one and only struggle with writing is never knowing where to begin. That struggle occurs throughout multiple areas of my life.
I find it very easy to praise God on a day like today. The cold weather brings out a part of me that wants to continually rejoice and praise God. If only I could box it up and store it away on days that aren't so much like that.
But this is where I'm at. On this balcony connected to the house that I call a home, I am reminded that this won't last. Right now, this weather makes me feel like the world is almost perfect. The sound of cars driving on the highway next to my apartment makes a humming sound that soothes my soul. But it all ends. And then what? And if I think that this is almost perfection, then I cry out at the thought of what heaven will possibly be like. Better than this is hard for a weak mind like mine to imagine. Which makes it all that much more exciting to consider.
Since I was about the age of 15, I have wanted to leave this place. Not the earth, just my current location. Florida. I am by no means a beach boy. Of course I grew up minutes from the coast, spent many summer days, winter days, hurricane days, and spring breaks on the beach. And there was that stint in college in which I went to the beach for hours upon hours every day for a month. But the beauty of the ocean is only truly captured in my heart when I glimpse it at night. The moon reflecting off the water is mistifies me in a way unlike anything else can.
I tried to leave this place after high school. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say try because I didn't try that hard. I wanted to go away to college, but I secretly knew in my heart that out of state tuition was way too high and that I could never ask my parents to pay for it. And I also knew, although would refuse to admit at the time, that I wasn't ready to leave this place. At least not the memories and the people.
I tried again my sophomore year of college when I applied to Flagler college in St Augustine. Yes, I would still be in Florida, but it wouldn't be the Florida I knew. It would be a different Florida. And it would allow me to travel home a lot more often than if I went out of state. But God had different plans for me and so denied me access to the college.
I tried again my Junior year of college. I applied to Chicago State University and to North Eastern Illinois University and to Nazareth college in Rochester, NY. I got accepted into each of those schools. And I went apartment hunting and found a roommate and a place to live in Rochester and in Chicago. Yet one day I was sitting in my hotel room on Congress in downtown Chicago with thousands of people walking the streets and felt more alone than I ever had in all my life. I wasn't ready still.
I say all of this to say that I have learned what contentment truly means. Being content does not mean now nor ever will, until we arrive in heaven, that everything is going to be perfect every single day. I have struggled with this word for years. For my entire life I believe. I wanted my heart to be content, but my sinful, selfish heart always screwed everything up.
But I have a new idea and understanding of contentment that God has been teaching me in many ways these last few years. Contentment is being happy with what I have, with where I live, with the job I have. Contentment doesn't mean every day I go to work I'm going to do cartwheels of joy. Contentment doesn't mean that everyday is going to feel like today, or that I'm going to feel like the way I do today everyday. It means that I am satisfied in what God has provided to me. Period. God knows our hearts. He knows our sins. He knows that in order for us to live a life of contentment every single day, never complaining, never worrying, never losing faith and hope is to be..well, perfect. And He doesn't think for a second that we are going to be perfect.
I have been guided by my God in the direction of contentment in the truest, simplest, and most real form that I can achieve at this point in my life. I believe with all of my heart that I will grow more content with the life I have been given as the days go on. But for now, the contentment I have is all the contentment I need. At this moment. God has shown me that days like today are where I can find my contentment on days that are the opposite of today. He reminds me with these days that there is always a rainbow to look for. There is always something to hope for and hold out faith about.
If you asked me today if I still want to leave Florida, my answer would be yes. But if you asked me if I want to leave Florida because I'm not content here, my answer would be no. And that is a far cry from where I was 5 years ago. And it took me 26 years to get here, and it will take me the rest of my life to get to where I'm need to be. But at this moment, I am content. And that is all I could ever hope, ask, dream, and pray for. And that is enough. Because God has shown me that He is all I need. I don't need a wife or my own kids or friends or family. Yes, those things are all of utmost importance to me. But if you ask me if I need them in order to live and to be satisfied, my answer would be no.
If God stripped me of all of those things in my life, would I be content? I have no idea how to answer that, because I don't know. I know my God is more than enough for me, and I know without a doubt that He would bring me to a place in which I would find complete peace. And that is all I can say for now.
God has been working on my heart for my entire life. He has been building inside me contentment for this place that He has put me in. And He has shown me over and over again reasons why He kept me here. And the moment that I become completely content to stay here for the rest of my life is probably the moment in which He will rip me from this place and put me somewhere completely new. And I'm ready. Because if I am living the life that these words are saying, I know without fail that I will find contentment even on the battlefield.
And I can only speak of this because of the glory of my God. I know He is changing my heart and working in my life because I break down in tears at least once a day over things like the shining of the sun. I am not one to cry, ever. But God has planted the spring of His eternal and overflowing love into my heart, and at times, it overflows and comes out through my eyes in the form of tears. And those are tears of joy, which are completely new to me.
You still have my heart. You and onlyYou keep bringing me back home. And that home is Your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment