I know.

Throughout our lives, we are running a marathon. Sometimes we forget to slow down and take a break, so we miss a few things along the way. If we are lucky, we get to run the marathon in a loop so that we have the opportunity to see things again and really take notice of them. Learn to slow down.
We all possess a gift. And we are always searching for it. I have searched for many years for my gift. What will I do with my life? How will I make a living? What am I going to school for? Is this really what I want to do? Am I going to do this for the next 50 years? And I've searched for the answers to those questions so many times.
Today, and many times in the past, I have found those answers. But not without effort. Not without failures and success. Not without hardships. Not without following another path for awhile. Not without help.
Today, I went to visit the after care kids and staff at Advent Lutheran School where I worked for two years. I haven't seen those kids since August 2010. So, about...7 months now. And I decided today was the day to visit. To see everyone.
I didn't see everyone because I didn't get there until 4:15pm and they were doing homework and I was talking with Rhonda. But I saw some of them. And that was enough.
What impacted me the most was when two 5th grade boys saw me, their faces lit up, they ran up to me, squeezed tight, and told me how much they had missed me. They kept talking about how they wished I was still there, that they wanted to be at the school where I was teaching so they could be in my class, and things like that.
I can't begin, I can't even touch on how that made me feel. There are so many times in our lives when we feel like what we are doing with our lives is a waste. Like we need to be doing more. We get discouraged so easily and burnt out by all the responsibilities that we have in life that we start to second guess our impact in this world.
Today, those two boys reminded me why I got into education in the first place. I have had so many trials, so many hard times, so many moments of weakness and of discouragement that it has made me want to just begin another career and not even go into education. But today, I couldn't imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life.
No matter how much I may think I am not impacting these kids because every lesson isn't fun or I have to yell at them sometimes or we go on break or hit moments where we are just done, these kids need me, and I need them. They are impacted by me every day that I am with them, and even when I'm not. And vice versa.
Please, don't second guess yourself. What you do makes a difference to someone, and I guarantee someone has made a difference to you. We all have a purpose. We all have a plan and a reason for existing, even when we think we couldn't possibly matter to anyone. We do.
Children are my entire life and my source of happiness. I love every moment that I get to spend in their presence. And I know they feel the same about us, even if we don't always feel that way. Hold your head up high, because trust me, you matter. And that is truth.

Starbucks

I had to come inside to Starbucks immediately to post. I have just found OUR section of Montreal. I think it is the Latin Quarter ironically enough. It is definitely the arts district. I was walking back from downtown and I noticed this incredibly beautiful steeple, so I started walking down Avenue Saint-Denis to go take a picture of it. Before I got there, I noticed a shop I thought Sarah would enjoy. It looked dark and seedy, like a place that is similar to Hot Topic. One that would sell creepy baby dolls. It turned out to be more like an S&M shop, so I walked by quickly.
Then I noticed a bunch of Tattouage and Percage Shops (Tattoos and piercings, duh). And they looked clean and REAL awesome. There were buildings with awesome graffiti on them, you know, art work, not just random nonsense.
And there are all kinds of awesome restaurants, Star Bucks, and the like. And when I sat down at Starbucks, I noticed a table of people that are sketching. Of course, being the nosy person I am, I immediately spied on them to get a glimpse of what they are sketching. It is REAL good. Lots of waves and colors and such. Stuff that we'd get tattooed on our bodies. So I just had to come inside and post about it.
I'm trying to decide what to do tomorrow. I already called the girl that I am renting from and told her I was going to leave around noon even though my bus doesn't leave until 5pm, but she wanted to charge me for an extra day even though I was barely even going to be in the apt. So I'm gonna haul my luggage to the bus station and store it and then explore the downtown portion of the city that I haven't seen much of yet. But now I'm thinking the locker space might not be big enough for my suitcase, so maybe I should just pay the $30 for another day and keep it there. I guess I'll figure it out.

L'artdu vrai

I don't even know what that means. It is on the side of a building and it is surrounded by a picture of cornfields. Go figure.
I'm here in Montreal, QB! I was so excited when I first booked my tickets in October! And I was excited when I began my travels! But as of yesterday, I was over it and wanted to go home. This usually happens when I travel alone. I do it often, and everyone thinks I'm nuts or really brave. But don't misjudge me. I'm just a big baby.
I do enjoy this city. It is so many things all rolled into one. It is ugly. It has graffiti on every inch of wall space you can imagine. And not the good kind. The ones that say random things, like this wall next to me. It says Zock. Really? You can't even add a cool design?
But then there are lots of buildings with awesome graffiti. And you look down one direction of Rue de Mont-Royal and you see this huge stretch of city and buildings and homes. And then you look in the other direction, and you see another stretch of this, but at the end, you can see the snow covered mountains, as well. It is breathtakingly beautiful!
There is a lot going on here, as well. If it weren't for the language, you'd think this was an American city. Except for some of the shops windows that have put up American money and drawn mustache faces on the presidents that are on them. Very mature and kind, these French are.
There is trash LITTERING the streets. I mean, this kind of trash rivals the trash in NYC. It is EVERYWHERE. And not just normal trash, but broken bottles, broken light bulbs, baby carriages. It is pretty intense trash I'm talking about. And nobody seems to mind it!
Today was a lot better. I think I was emotional yesterday because I had expected Caitlyn to be with me my first day and second night here, but communication was mixed up and she got here the day I was leaving. So I only spent about 3 hours with her in the morning before she had to leave. And then I was alone.
And it probably wouldn't have even been that bad if I had a TV in my room! This apartment doesn't have a tv or a wireless connection, so I literally have to resort to reading or watching one of the 3 movies I brought with me. Meanwhile, I've already watched 2, so I'm going to have to buy another one tomorrow when I get back to the states.
This guy just walked by wearing an AWESOME jacket. Sidenote.
But I made it through last night. I wanted to leave early, change my flight, but it was going to cost $238, and that is just stupid, so I'm staying the whole length of my trip! Right on! I didn't cave in and just waste the money. I'm proud.
And I had considered taking a train or bus to NYC and visiting V today and come back tomorrow, but it would have been $150 and 16 hours of total travel time and only like 4 hours of actual awake time, so that was dumb, too.
Today a lot more people spoke English, so that was nice.
I am looking at Aldo across the street right now, and since I ruined my suede boots I bought from the Chicago store a long time ago, I may be taking a trip there after this. I'm also on the hunt for some cool things to bring back for the family. Mom, dad, Paul, Christina, Holly, Margrit, Brooke, you know. (I'd say you Lindsey, but I still haven't even mailed your birthday present, so there's no point)
I realize on every trip that I'm so content with what God has placed in my life that even a short trip away from those people I love is hard. And I really love that revelation. I seem to always be searching for something more, something better, something just different. And when I get the opportunity to pursue it, I hate it or I back out. And I used to think that made me a coward and a loser, but really, I am just so happy that I don't need anything else.
God has filled me with a heart of happiness and love and contentment for everything I have. I don't need more. If I get offered a job somewhere that is around people I know, I'd probably take it. But I'm going to do a heck of a lot more applying to schools in this area, or at least in Florida, because I need to slowly phase myself out of this area if that's what I want. But right now, it still isn't.
I love the city lifestyle, the easy access to transportation, all the cool shops, the hordes of people, the fast pace life. But I don't like the cold people, the lack of interaction, the darkness. So there are things I still need to consider. How much do I want it? Am I willing to give up what truly satisfies me here?

I'm going to explore some more. Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Job

I sit here in my bed a broken man. I'm broken. Used goods. I have a heart that loves to seek after evil, a mind that yearns to destroy itself. I am nobody, and yet I am the same as everybody. We are each evil and broken in our own way. That statement alone brings tears to my eyes and hope to my heart.
If we are honest with ourselves, the statement I've made above makes sense, and you understand exactly what I'm talking about. We ARE all broken in some way, each and everyone of us. God knows that, others around us know that, but for some reason, we don't always seem to know it. But just because we're broken doesn't mean we can't be fixed or restored.
When a toy that our children play with breaks, one that they particularly love, we immediately look for solutions to fix it. We try to be innovative and fix it ourselves, we call someone who knows how to fix it, or we just go out and buy them a new one. We desperately want their happiness, and we don't want them to hurt. Even though it is just a toy, children only know so few things that a broken toy is like a broken heart.
In the same way, God is our father. He doesn't want us to feel sadness or pain. He sees that we are broken, and He knows EXACTLY how to fix us. He tries giving us direction, He pours out His love upon us, He does everything a perfect father would and should do. The problem is not our father, the problem is us. The children. We refuse to see His hand in front of us. We refuse to feel His love and mercy. And just like you would feel to watch your child cry out in pain and do everything you can to make his pain go away, God feels for us when we reject His help. But the difference is that He never gives up. Ever.
I was reading Job this morning, and it is one of my favorite books of the bible. It is real life. These are trials that he is going through, much like trials we go through. Yet we see how Job responds in both positive and negative ways. But what inspired me was the positive way in which he responded. His livestock was destroyed, houses were in ruins, and his children all died on the same day. And instead of crying and cursing and drinking and throwing himself headfirst into depression and a life of darkness, he PRAISES God. He rejoices. He says, God gives and God takes away. We take the good days, so we must also take the bad days.
I will admit that I begin weeping each time I read those lines, as I am weeping now just writing about it. I think about how often I turn away from the love and help of Jesus that stands right in front of me in times of trouble. Sure, I don't always turn away, sometimes I accept His help immediately. But sometimes I choose to just feel sorry for myself, complain, moan, cry out. And yet, God is right there, the whole time, watching me, cradling me, loving me like the perfect father He is, always giving me a way out. But I don't see it because of my pride, because of my selfish heart.
I am encouraged each day in some way, some days more than others. Today was more than others, and you needed to know in the hopes that you might be encouraged, as well.

Its been a while

I knew that teaching would be time consuming, so I'm not surprised that this is the first time I've had the opportunity to post in a while. On Saturdays, I usually have to work for a couple of hours in the morning, grocery shop, and do laundry. And of course, relax. Otherwise I'd go crazy. So of course, I don't often have the desire to type an entry, and for that, I apologize.
I'm going into my 9th week of student teaching. There are 16 weeks total, and actually only 15 weeks of actual teaching because of Spring Break. I am going into my last week of 100% teaching. I can't believe that I've already been full-time teaching for 5 weeks. It doesn't seem like it has been that long at all. Which is definitely a blessing.
When I began this whole experience, I was upset. I wanted it to just be over. Everyday was filled with anguish for this. And I couldn't have been acting more selfishly if I tried. I was being completely ridiculous. And arrogant, as if I already knew everything I needed to know and was above learning anything new.
Now that I've been doing this for 9 weeks, I can honestly say that I have had a lot of ups and downs throughout this whole experience. But what I've been able to take away from this experience is that I have more learning to do. And by that, I mean my whole life. I've been able to experience a lot of challenges throughout my teaching. I realize that I am a good teacher, after worrying that I wasn't. But I've also learned that there are a few things I need to work on to improve my teaching, and I'm actually excited about that now. I'm glad that I don't know everything, and I'm excited to work on these things and improve them.
This whole experience has revitalized my desire to teach. These children are my life, and I am their gateway to success, on multiple levels. And I like having that kind of responsibility.