Although I'm not always proud of the excessive amounts of television I can allow myself to watch in one sitting at times, I must say, I've gotten a lot out of it. When I find a show I like, it becomes like an addiction. I want more of it, and I want it now, and I don't want it to end. But the more I watch, the more upset I get because I know eventually, and sooner rather than later, it's going to end. Soon the last episode is going to air. Even if there is another season, the series is going to end at some point. Everything is going to end at some point.
But something I've realized not just about shows but about life in general is that we always have family. I know that sounds cliche and general even, because of course we always have family. Everyone technically has a family. I mean, it'd be a little hard to come into this world without at least a mother and a father. But family doesn't always mean what we are conditioned to think of it as.
Watching these shows, Gilmore Girls to be more specific, is proof of that. I know that this show doesn't capture the American ideals of family, with a mom and dad and some children with a dog or a cat. It portrays a mom and a daughter, just the two of them. And there are so many negative views of their relationship, as if this type of family is inappropriate and unconventional and that there is a need for a husband/father.
But to me, what I've realized is yes, it is incredible to have a true blood family. To have a mom, dad, brother, sister, pet, grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins that you love and get along with is great. God gave us that very special gift of family. But the Gilmore Girls version of a family did well, too. A deep relationship was formed within a mother and her daughter, much more than probably would have been formed were there a father or a brother or sister in the picture. They both always searched for more, thinking they were missing something, but always came back to the same conclusion: they were enough for each other. And it worked.
I've come to realize that I'm an extremely blessed individual. I have a true blood family that is amazing and genuine and loving. I am definitely a minority in that category. But beyond that family, I have a family of friends that support me and love me unconditionally. You see, family isn't just about blood. It isn't just about the people that you grew up with and that bought you things and provided for you. Family is about love, commitment, disappointments, good times. Family are those people that God places in our hearts forever. Those people that stand by us when we fall and help us back up. Family are those people that see us at our worst and still jump at the chance to call us friend. Family is about loving each other through the hard moments, through the great times, in fun and adventures, just as much as in dark periods and failures.
I have that family. I have those people in my life. And they aren't just friends, they are brothers and sisters. And they range in age from 16 to 50+ years old. There is no age limit. There is no gender or race requirements. They are love, they are Jesus in skin. And they aren't hard to find. If you look.
These people come from jobs, churches, streets, hospitals, prisons, anywhere. There isn't a mold for families. The only thing that makes ordinary people your family is the love that is within.
I guess this post generated from thinking about the idea of moving away in 8 months. I don't know where I'll be. I don't know what job in what location I'll get. But the thought of it thrills and terrifies me all at once because of these thoughts. But family is family. And nothing can break the bonds of true, genuine love between people. God created it, God fosters it, and He is unbreakable. Everything He touches and creates is perfect and bulletproof.
Family is family.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Not afraid to yell
I wouldn't refer to myself as someone that is fearful of many things. If you asked someone that knew me very well, say my brother or my mom, maybe my best friend, to describe me, to give a list of words that would most accurately portray an image of this person, Scott, one word that I'm sure would not be on that list would be fearful. And don't misread what I'm writing...I do fear things. But it isn't a main quality of mine.
And all that is true, with one exception...yelling at God. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are people out there who openly defy the existence of God, so I'm sure for them to hear me say I fear yelling at God would be just a funny story to tell there friends at the next poetry slam. But for me, I fear the idea of yelling at God. Not even just yelling, but disagreeing or questioning Him about the things in my life or the world at all.
I suppose that I find this to be equated with the idea of being a good son, a good employee, a good student. You don't talk back to your mom or dad, or your boss or teacher. You wouldn't question what they say or do when instructing you. Or at least I wouldn't. So I have always thought, why do it to God?
But what I've realized after reading Psalm 88 and discovering what David Crowder feels about the Psalm in "Praise Habit", is that I'm denying the fullness of a relationship with Him when I accept everything through my mouth but harbor these feelings of why and why not in my heart.
If I don't understand the reason God is doing something, I'm allowed to ask Him why. It doesn't mean He is going to give me an answer I can immediately understand or accept. But being afraid to ask Him why or to let Him know I'm angry with the situation He has placed me in isn't defying His name or belittling Him or making Him angry. It is proving that He exists.
By just accepting everything in my life as "God's plan" but never really allowing myself to be in conversation with Him is denying a true and honest relationship with Him. And it is just PROVING that I believe in Him, that I know He is there and that I know He has a plan that is far greater than I can see, but I need and want Him to show me WHY. Even when He doesn't And when I do that more, I am showing Him my faithfulness. I am saying to Him, I know this and all things come from You, and even if I don't like it and I ask You why, it is me relying on You, and always coming back to You.
And all that is true, with one exception...yelling at God. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sure, there are people out there who openly defy the existence of God, so I'm sure for them to hear me say I fear yelling at God would be just a funny story to tell there friends at the next poetry slam. But for me, I fear the idea of yelling at God. Not even just yelling, but disagreeing or questioning Him about the things in my life or the world at all.
I suppose that I find this to be equated with the idea of being a good son, a good employee, a good student. You don't talk back to your mom or dad, or your boss or teacher. You wouldn't question what they say or do when instructing you. Or at least I wouldn't. So I have always thought, why do it to God?
But what I've realized after reading Psalm 88 and discovering what David Crowder feels about the Psalm in "Praise Habit", is that I'm denying the fullness of a relationship with Him when I accept everything through my mouth but harbor these feelings of why and why not in my heart.
If I don't understand the reason God is doing something, I'm allowed to ask Him why. It doesn't mean He is going to give me an answer I can immediately understand or accept. But being afraid to ask Him why or to let Him know I'm angry with the situation He has placed me in isn't defying His name or belittling Him or making Him angry. It is proving that He exists.
By just accepting everything in my life as "God's plan" but never really allowing myself to be in conversation with Him is denying a true and honest relationship with Him. And it is just PROVING that I believe in Him, that I know He is there and that I know He has a plan that is far greater than I can see, but I need and want Him to show me WHY. Even when He doesn't And when I do that more, I am showing Him my faithfulness. I am saying to Him, I know this and all things come from You, and even if I don't like it and I ask You why, it is me relying on You, and always coming back to You.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Its funny
Today is one of those days that the rest of the world envies Florida for. December 20. The perfect day. Winter here is something that everyone who doesn't live or vacation here during this time envies. I'll explain why. Today, when most other areas are covered in snow or battling severe cold weather, here in south Florida, it is 60 degrees, sunny, and blue skies hitting you in every direction. I believe it is the closest that we can get to even getting a small fraction of an understanding as to what heaven is going to look and feel like.
I took a drive today. And its funny, you know, this driving. On any given day, you could find me furious about driving. I'm talking court-ordered anger management type of furious. Thinking horrible thoughts about the person who cut me off, or conjuring up ways to invent a car that turns into hard, shiny steel at the press of a button so I can ram cars off the road that are making insanely stupid decisions while driving, like cutting me off, for example. But not today. Today, the big truck in front of me going 30 mph didn't even phase me. In fact, I encouraged it. I adored it. I wanted to stop the car and shake the man's hand. Light a cigar for him, pop open a bottle of champagne in his honor.
And why? Because today, I'm driving for joy. I'm not in a hurry to get somewhere, I have nowhere to be, I can just coast. There is no stress as to where I'm going or when I have to get there. This is pure satisfactory driving. An unplanned, yet fantastic joy ride.
And the thought came into my head...how incredible that my demeanor could be so drastically different in the same activity. Like the way we view things. Today, the sun is shining the same way as it normally does, and the wind isn't blowing any stronger than any other day. There are plenty of days in which the skies are cloudless and blue. Yet today, I was fortunate enough to see it as something more than just another day. I was given the honor of seeing it as the grandeur that God created it to be.
Psalm 50 states that 'when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is living praise.'
Although I'm not near this point in my spiritual life, God has been drawing me nearer and nearer to this point each day. Sure, it is really easy for me to want to praise Him in this moment, on this beautiful day, so close to Christmas, no school, minimal hours at work, friends back in town. But He has been showing me the greatness of His love in the dark, stormy days. In the times when I'm alone and sad. He's allowing me, yes, ALLOWING me, to experience the joy and the amazement of every second and every type of weather of His love.
And the wind rustling the leaves, the incredible silence of snow, and the darkness of the storm all begin to sing a song of His love.
I took a drive today. And its funny, you know, this driving. On any given day, you could find me furious about driving. I'm talking court-ordered anger management type of furious. Thinking horrible thoughts about the person who cut me off, or conjuring up ways to invent a car that turns into hard, shiny steel at the press of a button so I can ram cars off the road that are making insanely stupid decisions while driving, like cutting me off, for example. But not today. Today, the big truck in front of me going 30 mph didn't even phase me. In fact, I encouraged it. I adored it. I wanted to stop the car and shake the man's hand. Light a cigar for him, pop open a bottle of champagne in his honor.
And why? Because today, I'm driving for joy. I'm not in a hurry to get somewhere, I have nowhere to be, I can just coast. There is no stress as to where I'm going or when I have to get there. This is pure satisfactory driving. An unplanned, yet fantastic joy ride.
And the thought came into my head...how incredible that my demeanor could be so drastically different in the same activity. Like the way we view things. Today, the sun is shining the same way as it normally does, and the wind isn't blowing any stronger than any other day. There are plenty of days in which the skies are cloudless and blue. Yet today, I was fortunate enough to see it as something more than just another day. I was given the honor of seeing it as the grandeur that God created it to be.
Psalm 50 states that 'when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is living praise.'
Although I'm not near this point in my spiritual life, God has been drawing me nearer and nearer to this point each day. Sure, it is really easy for me to want to praise Him in this moment, on this beautiful day, so close to Christmas, no school, minimal hours at work, friends back in town. But He has been showing me the greatness of His love in the dark, stormy days. In the times when I'm alone and sad. He's allowing me, yes, ALLOWING me, to experience the joy and the amazement of every second and every type of weather of His love.
And the wind rustling the leaves, the incredible silence of snow, and the darkness of the storm all begin to sing a song of His love.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Moses Schulstein
We are the shoes, We are the last witnesses
We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers.
From Prague, Paris and Amsterdam
And because we are only made of fabric and leather
And not of blood and flesh,
Each one of us avoided the Hellfire
We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers.
From Prague, Paris and Amsterdam
And because we are only made of fabric and leather
And not of blood and flesh,
Each one of us avoided the Hellfire
Babi Yar
By Yevgeni Yevtushenko
Translated by Benjamin Okopnik, 10/96
No monument stands over Babi Yar.
A steep cliff only, like the rudest headstone.
I am afraid.
Today, I am as old
As the entire Jewish race itself.
I see myself an ancient Israelite.
I wander o'er the roads of ancient Egypt
And here, upon the cross, I perish, tortured
And even now, I bear the marks of nails.
It seems to me that Dreyfus is myself.
The Philistines betrayed me - and now judge.
I'm in a cage. Surrounded and trapped,
I'm persecuted, spat on, slandered, and
The dainty dollies in their Brussels frills
Squeal, as they stab umbrellas at my face.
I see myself a boy in Belostok
Blood spills, and runs upon the floors,
The chiefs of bar and pub rage unimpeded
And reek of vodka and of onion, half and half.
I'm thrown back by a boot, I have no strength left,
In vain I beg the rabble of pogrom,
To jeers of "Kill the Jews, and save our Russia!"
My mother's being beaten by a clerk.
O, Russia of my heart, I know that you
Are international, by inner nature.
But often those whose hands are steeped in filth
Abused your purest name, in name of hatred.
I know the kindness of my native land.
How vile, that without the slightest quiver
The antisemites have proclaimed themselves
The "Union of the Russian People!"
It seems to me that I am Anna Frank,
Transparent, as the thinnest branch in April,
And I'm in love, and have no need of phrases,
But only that we gaze into each other's eyes.
How little one can see, or even sense!
Leaves are forbidden, so is sky,
But much is still allowed - very gently
In darkened rooms each other to embrace.
-"They come!"
-"No, fear not - those are sounds
Of spring itself. She's coming soon.
Quickly, your lips!"
-"They break the door!"
-"No, river ice is breaking..."
Wild grasses rustle over Babi Yar,
The trees look sternly, as if passing judgement.
Here, silently, all screams, and, hat in hand,
I feel my hair changing shade to gray.
And I myself, like one long soundless scream
Above the thousands of thousands interred,
I'm every old man executed here,
As I am every child murdered here.
No fiber of my body will forget this.
May "Internationale" thunder and ring
When, for all time, is buried and forgotten
The last of antisemites on this earth.
There is no Jewish blood that's blood of mine,
But, hated with a passion that's corrosive
Am I by antisemites like a Jew.
And that is why I call myself a Russian!
Translated by Benjamin Okopnik, 10/96
No monument stands over Babi Yar.
A steep cliff only, like the rudest headstone.
I am afraid.
Today, I am as old
As the entire Jewish race itself.
I see myself an ancient Israelite.
I wander o'er the roads of ancient Egypt
And here, upon the cross, I perish, tortured
And even now, I bear the marks of nails.
It seems to me that Dreyfus is myself.
The Philistines betrayed me - and now judge.
I'm in a cage. Surrounded and trapped,
I'm persecuted, spat on, slandered, and
The dainty dollies in their Brussels frills
Squeal, as they stab umbrellas at my face.
I see myself a boy in Belostok
Blood spills, and runs upon the floors,
The chiefs of bar and pub rage unimpeded
And reek of vodka and of onion, half and half.
I'm thrown back by a boot, I have no strength left,
In vain I beg the rabble of pogrom,
To jeers of "Kill the Jews, and save our Russia!"
My mother's being beaten by a clerk.
O, Russia of my heart, I know that you
Are international, by inner nature.
But often those whose hands are steeped in filth
Abused your purest name, in name of hatred.
I know the kindness of my native land.
How vile, that without the slightest quiver
The antisemites have proclaimed themselves
The "Union of the Russian People!"
It seems to me that I am Anna Frank,
Transparent, as the thinnest branch in April,
And I'm in love, and have no need of phrases,
But only that we gaze into each other's eyes.
How little one can see, or even sense!
Leaves are forbidden, so is sky,
But much is still allowed - very gently
In darkened rooms each other to embrace.
-"They come!"
-"No, fear not - those are sounds
Of spring itself. She's coming soon.
Quickly, your lips!"
-"They break the door!"
-"No, river ice is breaking..."
Wild grasses rustle over Babi Yar,
The trees look sternly, as if passing judgement.
Here, silently, all screams, and, hat in hand,
I feel my hair changing shade to gray.
And I myself, like one long soundless scream
Above the thousands of thousands interred,
I'm every old man executed here,
As I am every child murdered here.
No fiber of my body will forget this.
May "Internationale" thunder and ring
When, for all time, is buried and forgotten
The last of antisemites on this earth.
There is no Jewish blood that's blood of mine,
But, hated with a passion that's corrosive
Am I by antisemites like a Jew.
And that is why I call myself a Russian!
Memories
Memories are life to me. Memories can push us forward, or they can hold us back. It depends on how we choose to let them control us. My memories have done so much of both. They've given me the strength and courage to move ahead in life, knowing that though they are no longer present, there have always been and will always be new ones to form.
Lately, memories have been holding me back. They've been winning. They've been beating me, draining the life and desire to form new ones from me. They've been thorn bushes that are choking me. But God has released me.
I've been really sad about the memories of The Cottage. Level 5. The year spent on the hill learning and growing in love with some of the most amazing people I've been fortunate enough to come into contact with and call my makeshift family. And now we're scattered, and time isn't as available, and we're growing up, and people have left, and more people are going to leave. Inevitable. And I've been allowing those memories of the times we had, the life we shared, the adventures we partook in, to break me down. To literally tie me to the couch. To drain the existence out of my soul. But no longer.
Absolutely I'm sad those memories are now just memories. I'm devastated that Lindsey had to move away. I'm upset that Christina has to work all the time. I'm terrified that Holly is growing up and moving on. But these are all good things. And I've been allowing the sorrow of all that to take away the memories that we are making now, today, in this moment. I've realized that every moment is a memory, no matter how boring or exciting it may be.
Life and love isn't defined by the grandeur of our adventures. Life isn't about changing the world in huge ways. It is about the people we impact, and the people that impact us. It is about recognizing the moments in which we changed, in which we grew, in which we lived. Sitting on the couch watching SVU marathons is as much of a memory and life experience to ponder and smile about as is taking a month long trip through the entire European landscape. Making coffee together and watching Christmas movies, setting up the Christmas tree, hanging stockings, taking long car rides in silence, watching the sun rise on the beach together...these are all worthwhile life events. These are all things to be appreciated.
My mind likes to try to convince me to think in the big picture of life. How can I impact the world the most today, in my life? What job can I have that will prove to be the most important, the most meaningful? And the answer to those questions lies in how I'm responding to the life God has given me. I can make a bigger difference in the world, in my life and the lives of those around me, by seeing the BIG things in the little things. The man that rings a bell at Christmas time. Taking the time to thank him for his contributions. Showing him, verbally and genuinely, that I appreciate what he does, that it didn't go unnoticed. THOSE are the moments to live by, those are the things that change the world, those are the qualities that God is after.
Lately, memories have been holding me back. They've been winning. They've been beating me, draining the life and desire to form new ones from me. They've been thorn bushes that are choking me. But God has released me.
I've been really sad about the memories of The Cottage. Level 5. The year spent on the hill learning and growing in love with some of the most amazing people I've been fortunate enough to come into contact with and call my makeshift family. And now we're scattered, and time isn't as available, and we're growing up, and people have left, and more people are going to leave. Inevitable. And I've been allowing those memories of the times we had, the life we shared, the adventures we partook in, to break me down. To literally tie me to the couch. To drain the existence out of my soul. But no longer.
Absolutely I'm sad those memories are now just memories. I'm devastated that Lindsey had to move away. I'm upset that Christina has to work all the time. I'm terrified that Holly is growing up and moving on. But these are all good things. And I've been allowing the sorrow of all that to take away the memories that we are making now, today, in this moment. I've realized that every moment is a memory, no matter how boring or exciting it may be.
Life and love isn't defined by the grandeur of our adventures. Life isn't about changing the world in huge ways. It is about the people we impact, and the people that impact us. It is about recognizing the moments in which we changed, in which we grew, in which we lived. Sitting on the couch watching SVU marathons is as much of a memory and life experience to ponder and smile about as is taking a month long trip through the entire European landscape. Making coffee together and watching Christmas movies, setting up the Christmas tree, hanging stockings, taking long car rides in silence, watching the sun rise on the beach together...these are all worthwhile life events. These are all things to be appreciated.
My mind likes to try to convince me to think in the big picture of life. How can I impact the world the most today, in my life? What job can I have that will prove to be the most important, the most meaningful? And the answer to those questions lies in how I'm responding to the life God has given me. I can make a bigger difference in the world, in my life and the lives of those around me, by seeing the BIG things in the little things. The man that rings a bell at Christmas time. Taking the time to thank him for his contributions. Showing him, verbally and genuinely, that I appreciate what he does, that it didn't go unnoticed. THOSE are the moments to live by, those are the things that change the world, those are the qualities that God is after.
Psalm 1
My mindset, the Western Nationalistic Christianity mindset is one of trying desperately to uphold our own ideas of right morality, propriety, and decorum. This isn't what God is talking about in Psalm 1. Sure, there are many people who get what God is saying and are living a life that is pleasing to God, and a big part of that reflects the above mentioned attributes. However, I'm sure that I am not the only one to have seen many people living a life upholding these standards, but walking around as a lifeless creature, as though all the air has been taken from their lungs.
I've met many people who seem to have it all together on the outside. People that are involved, active, fighting for change, respectful; people that don't partake in debauchery and wickedness; people who live their lives protecting their exterior, but all the while they are broken and shattered within. This isn't the type of life Christ planned for us. This isn't His Genesis of an idea of how humanity should be lived out.
Some people think that immersing ourselves into a relationship with the homeless or the downcast, addicts, prostitutes, is to turn our back on a life of morality, a life of holiness. But God spent the most time with the lost, the forsaken, the lowly, the forgotten. And this isn't to say that we must immediately immerse ourselves into that lifestyle; no, this is to say that we should remove the part of our minds and hearts that causes us to think less of them than we do of ourselves.
Psalm 1 is an inspiration and a heart wreck all in one. We are being told that we are loved by God, that we are innocent people, we don't hang out at "sin saloon", "how well God must like us"....to me, this is something incredibly hard to swallow, to digest. I chew it around and it seems to always have to be forced down my throat. I'm not innocent. I sometimes hang out at sin saloon. I don't understand how my God can call me lover, child of mine. And that's exactly it. I don't understand it. And I shouldn't, because I didn't design it, and I don't have the capacity to think in the context as Jesus Christ does. But I am blessed and loved beyond measure anyways.
"We have a God who is bringing us back, and we are responding with every heartbeat".-David Crowder
Are we?
I've met many people who seem to have it all together on the outside. People that are involved, active, fighting for change, respectful; people that don't partake in debauchery and wickedness; people who live their lives protecting their exterior, but all the while they are broken and shattered within. This isn't the type of life Christ planned for us. This isn't His Genesis of an idea of how humanity should be lived out.
Some people think that immersing ourselves into a relationship with the homeless or the downcast, addicts, prostitutes, is to turn our back on a life of morality, a life of holiness. But God spent the most time with the lost, the forsaken, the lowly, the forgotten. And this isn't to say that we must immediately immerse ourselves into that lifestyle; no, this is to say that we should remove the part of our minds and hearts that causes us to think less of them than we do of ourselves.
Psalm 1 is an inspiration and a heart wreck all in one. We are being told that we are loved by God, that we are innocent people, we don't hang out at "sin saloon", "how well God must like us"....to me, this is something incredibly hard to swallow, to digest. I chew it around and it seems to always have to be forced down my throat. I'm not innocent. I sometimes hang out at sin saloon. I don't understand how my God can call me lover, child of mine. And that's exactly it. I don't understand it. And I shouldn't, because I didn't design it, and I don't have the capacity to think in the context as Jesus Christ does. But I am blessed and loved beyond measure anyways.
"We have a God who is bringing us back, and we are responding with every heartbeat".-David Crowder
Are we?
Holidays
There are days when I feel very insignificant. These days only occur out of my sinful heart feeling the need to be selfish. But whatever the reason, I feel it. But the more God grows my heart and strengthens my love and my relationship with Him, the more I realize I never have a reason to feel this way.
Lindsey moved away and sometimes I feel like our life will never be the same without her. Like we will never have that much fun doing nothing or laugh as hard as we did while she was here. And this helps me to realize how important every person is. Sometimes we can feel sorry for ourselves or feel like we have nothing to offer to the world. The standards that the world sets makes us feel insignificant if we don't impact it in such huge, life changing way. That just isn't true.
Every person has a purpose. Sometimes it is just to make you smile. Sometimes it is to make you rethink your life and the decisions you've been making. Sometimes it is to make more seen changes, like changing the state of Haiti or Africa. But every person has a purpose, and it is fulfilled with or without us even trying. And I find that to be such an encouragement when I'm feeling down.
I've only gotten to this point by the love of my Father in heaven. And from the massive amount of downtime He has provided me for the last 4 months. I could never come to these understandings without Him pointing them out to me. And now I realize that I have a purpose, I have a reason for existing. I may not always see it or feel it, but God knows it and is carrying it out with or without my help.
My soul is comforted and on fire at these thoughts.
Lindsey moved away and sometimes I feel like our life will never be the same without her. Like we will never have that much fun doing nothing or laugh as hard as we did while she was here. And this helps me to realize how important every person is. Sometimes we can feel sorry for ourselves or feel like we have nothing to offer to the world. The standards that the world sets makes us feel insignificant if we don't impact it in such huge, life changing way. That just isn't true.
Every person has a purpose. Sometimes it is just to make you smile. Sometimes it is to make you rethink your life and the decisions you've been making. Sometimes it is to make more seen changes, like changing the state of Haiti or Africa. But every person has a purpose, and it is fulfilled with or without us even trying. And I find that to be such an encouragement when I'm feeling down.
I've only gotten to this point by the love of my Father in heaven. And from the massive amount of downtime He has provided me for the last 4 months. I could never come to these understandings without Him pointing them out to me. And now I realize that I have a purpose, I have a reason for existing. I may not always see it or feel it, but God knows it and is carrying it out with or without my help.
My soul is comforted and on fire at these thoughts.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Life is happening with or without us
I'm going to Washington, D.C. this weekend. December 10-13, to be exact. The good news is that my flight only cost me $50 round trip for being a member of spirit air. The bad news is that the flight is out of Ft Lauderdale airport at 7:05...AM. Which means I'll have to leave my house at 4am. May as well not even bother going to sleep. Although I am not one to sleep on a plane, so I should probably try for some form of shut eye. Even if it is just a brief moment. Although when I sleep for just a few hours I tend to feel more drained than if I hadn't slept at all, so maybe I shouldn't sleep. I'll probably be too nervous to sleep because of the whole situation, anyway. Well that was a mouthful and I've gotten ahead of myself. Too much Gilmore Girls can really change your way of speaking.
There has been talk, and by talk I mean speculation on the part of one article in which a reporter or newcaster or whoever he is decided that he was going to make it his mission to scare me by reporting that there is a possible MAJOR snow storm heading right for Maryland/DC. December 12-14. Perfect. Now I am not one to turn down a snow storm. I don't have much right to say that considering I've never had the opportunity to turn one down, but I'm sure that upon encountering one I'd be completely thrilled and resort to acting like a 5 year old and going outside to build snowmen and build forts and have snowball fights. Not snow angels, though. I find those to be pretty lame, considering they don't really look all that much like angels and you get your clothes all wet and cold from the snow.
However, I do have great fear for this snow storm. And I only say that because I MUST be back in this county by Tuesday at 7:30am, or I will miss my student teaching orientation, which could mean I will not be permitted to student teach in the Spring, which then in turn means I won't be graduating in May and will have to student teach next Fall and graduate a YEAR from today. I'm not sure I can handle that. I've already waited 7 years to graduate. I've not stopped going to school for more than one semester. And I have worked REALLY hard to get where I am. So I will NOT be denied this opportunity without a fight if that does end up happening.
That was my ranting part of this post. Regardless of how positive we try to be, there is always a part of us that worries. That is our sin talking, and I know that, so I take it with a grain of salt. But what I've found to be encouraging about this situation is that not only has every other weather channel and link I've looked at said nothing about any snow at all while I'm there, but multiple people have encouraged me. John himself called me up while he was at work to assure me he didn't think there was more than a 1% chance that a snow storm bad enough to shut down the airports would occur while we are there. And he also wanted to encourage me to not be afraid. And Holly did the same, and reminded me of how hard I've worked in school and how many times my graduation has been post-poned that God will bring me to completion in this area of my life.
God is amazing. Without His presence in my life, I don't think that these two people speaking into my life in this way would have encouraged me. I know that this seems like a small matter in comparison to many of the things going on in your lives or in our world, but to me, this is huge. This is everything that I've been working for the last 10 years. But through all this, God has encouraged me yet again to believe in His power and to trust in His love and His provisions.
God is stronger than any snow storm that could ever come upon this earth. And God is in control of my life, in every single aspect of it. For me to worry about anything is sinful. Not that He expects me to be calm, cool, and collected at all moments, but it is true. If I trust and believe and proclaim that He is in control, than let me live it! Let me prove that I believe it! If I'm supposed to stay here, I will stay here. If I'm supposed to go, then I will go! If I'm supposed to miss my orientation and thus have to postpone graduating, so be it! God is in control, and this will all work out for His glory, so what do I have to fear? ABSOLUTELY nothing. God is my rock, my salvation, my constant. He has never disappointed me yet, and He never will.
BELIEVE without abandon, no matter what. That is my mantra.
There has been talk, and by talk I mean speculation on the part of one article in which a reporter or newcaster or whoever he is decided that he was going to make it his mission to scare me by reporting that there is a possible MAJOR snow storm heading right for Maryland/DC. December 12-14. Perfect. Now I am not one to turn down a snow storm. I don't have much right to say that considering I've never had the opportunity to turn one down, but I'm sure that upon encountering one I'd be completely thrilled and resort to acting like a 5 year old and going outside to build snowmen and build forts and have snowball fights. Not snow angels, though. I find those to be pretty lame, considering they don't really look all that much like angels and you get your clothes all wet and cold from the snow.
However, I do have great fear for this snow storm. And I only say that because I MUST be back in this county by Tuesday at 7:30am, or I will miss my student teaching orientation, which could mean I will not be permitted to student teach in the Spring, which then in turn means I won't be graduating in May and will have to student teach next Fall and graduate a YEAR from today. I'm not sure I can handle that. I've already waited 7 years to graduate. I've not stopped going to school for more than one semester. And I have worked REALLY hard to get where I am. So I will NOT be denied this opportunity without a fight if that does end up happening.
That was my ranting part of this post. Regardless of how positive we try to be, there is always a part of us that worries. That is our sin talking, and I know that, so I take it with a grain of salt. But what I've found to be encouraging about this situation is that not only has every other weather channel and link I've looked at said nothing about any snow at all while I'm there, but multiple people have encouraged me. John himself called me up while he was at work to assure me he didn't think there was more than a 1% chance that a snow storm bad enough to shut down the airports would occur while we are there. And he also wanted to encourage me to not be afraid. And Holly did the same, and reminded me of how hard I've worked in school and how many times my graduation has been post-poned that God will bring me to completion in this area of my life.
God is amazing. Without His presence in my life, I don't think that these two people speaking into my life in this way would have encouraged me. I know that this seems like a small matter in comparison to many of the things going on in your lives or in our world, but to me, this is huge. This is everything that I've been working for the last 10 years. But through all this, God has encouraged me yet again to believe in His power and to trust in His love and His provisions.
God is stronger than any snow storm that could ever come upon this earth. And God is in control of my life, in every single aspect of it. For me to worry about anything is sinful. Not that He expects me to be calm, cool, and collected at all moments, but it is true. If I trust and believe and proclaim that He is in control, than let me live it! Let me prove that I believe it! If I'm supposed to stay here, I will stay here. If I'm supposed to go, then I will go! If I'm supposed to miss my orientation and thus have to postpone graduating, so be it! God is in control, and this will all work out for His glory, so what do I have to fear? ABSOLUTELY nothing. God is my rock, my salvation, my constant. He has never disappointed me yet, and He never will.
BELIEVE without abandon, no matter what. That is my mantra.
Monday, December 6, 2010
You answered
Another incredible weekend has come to a close. I'll admit that I had one too many glasses of wine on Saturday night, but this weekend was powerful. God is calling me to an intimate and personal relationship with Him. And I know this because I can't seem to go or do anything without being reminded of His glory.
Last night was the ascent, which I love. A night of complete and total worship. If you know me at all, you know that my world revolves around music. I'm constantly seeking and searching for new music. It has to speak to me. It has to be dripping with passion and meaning. And it has to have a good beat. Which is why night of worship is such an incredible experience for me because it combines both the love of music I seek, and the love of my life. I am given the opportunity to fall before Him in complete and total surrender through music.
There was a point in the music last night that God helped me surrender my heart to Him completely. It is something that is quite challenging to do seeing as there are so many people around. I constantly seek to compare myself to others. I hate to admit this and I hate even more that I do it, but I do. We all do. I look around the room and see all the other men and women that I think have so much more than I do. They have wives or girlfriends, husbands or boyfriends. They've got incredible looks, a sense of style, perfect bodies, money, and great attitudes and personalities.
But these are all earthly goods. These aren't things that God looks at. God doesn't compare me to the male model I may be standing next to. God loves me and sees me as His child. Beautiful and spotless in His eyes. Something He would sacrifice His son for. And He would never compare me to anyone else, just like He wouldn't compare you to anyone else.
This struggle is my struggle. And I've had to deal with it just like everyone else has. But this lyric put all those fears and thoughts and comparisons in their place:
I called and You answered and You came to my rescue. I wanna be right where You are.
That is all the authority I need. That's love. That's truth. That's everything. I don't need anything else.
Last night was the ascent, which I love. A night of complete and total worship. If you know me at all, you know that my world revolves around music. I'm constantly seeking and searching for new music. It has to speak to me. It has to be dripping with passion and meaning. And it has to have a good beat. Which is why night of worship is such an incredible experience for me because it combines both the love of music I seek, and the love of my life. I am given the opportunity to fall before Him in complete and total surrender through music.
There was a point in the music last night that God helped me surrender my heart to Him completely. It is something that is quite challenging to do seeing as there are so many people around. I constantly seek to compare myself to others. I hate to admit this and I hate even more that I do it, but I do. We all do. I look around the room and see all the other men and women that I think have so much more than I do. They have wives or girlfriends, husbands or boyfriends. They've got incredible looks, a sense of style, perfect bodies, money, and great attitudes and personalities.
But these are all earthly goods. These aren't things that God looks at. God doesn't compare me to the male model I may be standing next to. God loves me and sees me as His child. Beautiful and spotless in His eyes. Something He would sacrifice His son for. And He would never compare me to anyone else, just like He wouldn't compare you to anyone else.
This struggle is my struggle. And I've had to deal with it just like everyone else has. But this lyric put all those fears and thoughts and comparisons in their place:
I called and You answered and You came to my rescue. I wanna be right where You are.
That is all the authority I need. That's love. That's truth. That's everything. I don't need anything else.
Friday, December 3, 2010
The words I write aren't mine at all
Today is a day in which all Floridians remember why they live here. The current weather is 60 degrees, sunny, and clear blue skies. Florida knows how to do cold the right way.
There are so many thoughts in my head that it is hard to know where to begin. My one and only struggle with writing is never knowing where to begin. That struggle occurs throughout multiple areas of my life.
I find it very easy to praise God on a day like today. The cold weather brings out a part of me that wants to continually rejoice and praise God. If only I could box it up and store it away on days that aren't so much like that.
But this is where I'm at. On this balcony connected to the house that I call a home, I am reminded that this won't last. Right now, this weather makes me feel like the world is almost perfect. The sound of cars driving on the highway next to my apartment makes a humming sound that soothes my soul. But it all ends. And then what? And if I think that this is almost perfection, then I cry out at the thought of what heaven will possibly be like. Better than this is hard for a weak mind like mine to imagine. Which makes it all that much more exciting to consider.
Since I was about the age of 15, I have wanted to leave this place. Not the earth, just my current location. Florida. I am by no means a beach boy. Of course I grew up minutes from the coast, spent many summer days, winter days, hurricane days, and spring breaks on the beach. And there was that stint in college in which I went to the beach for hours upon hours every day for a month. But the beauty of the ocean is only truly captured in my heart when I glimpse it at night. The moon reflecting off the water is mistifies me in a way unlike anything else can.
I tried to leave this place after high school. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say try because I didn't try that hard. I wanted to go away to college, but I secretly knew in my heart that out of state tuition was way too high and that I could never ask my parents to pay for it. And I also knew, although would refuse to admit at the time, that I wasn't ready to leave this place. At least not the memories and the people.
I tried again my sophomore year of college when I applied to Flagler college in St Augustine. Yes, I would still be in Florida, but it wouldn't be the Florida I knew. It would be a different Florida. And it would allow me to travel home a lot more often than if I went out of state. But God had different plans for me and so denied me access to the college.
I tried again my Junior year of college. I applied to Chicago State University and to North Eastern Illinois University and to Nazareth college in Rochester, NY. I got accepted into each of those schools. And I went apartment hunting and found a roommate and a place to live in Rochester and in Chicago. Yet one day I was sitting in my hotel room on Congress in downtown Chicago with thousands of people walking the streets and felt more alone than I ever had in all my life. I wasn't ready still.
I say all of this to say that I have learned what contentment truly means. Being content does not mean now nor ever will, until we arrive in heaven, that everything is going to be perfect every single day. I have struggled with this word for years. For my entire life I believe. I wanted my heart to be content, but my sinful, selfish heart always screwed everything up.
But I have a new idea and understanding of contentment that God has been teaching me in many ways these last few years. Contentment is being happy with what I have, with where I live, with the job I have. Contentment doesn't mean every day I go to work I'm going to do cartwheels of joy. Contentment doesn't mean that everyday is going to feel like today, or that I'm going to feel like the way I do today everyday. It means that I am satisfied in what God has provided to me. Period. God knows our hearts. He knows our sins. He knows that in order for us to live a life of contentment every single day, never complaining, never worrying, never losing faith and hope is to be..well, perfect. And He doesn't think for a second that we are going to be perfect.
I have been guided by my God in the direction of contentment in the truest, simplest, and most real form that I can achieve at this point in my life. I believe with all of my heart that I will grow more content with the life I have been given as the days go on. But for now, the contentment I have is all the contentment I need. At this moment. God has shown me that days like today are where I can find my contentment on days that are the opposite of today. He reminds me with these days that there is always a rainbow to look for. There is always something to hope for and hold out faith about.
If you asked me today if I still want to leave Florida, my answer would be yes. But if you asked me if I want to leave Florida because I'm not content here, my answer would be no. And that is a far cry from where I was 5 years ago. And it took me 26 years to get here, and it will take me the rest of my life to get to where I'm need to be. But at this moment, I am content. And that is all I could ever hope, ask, dream, and pray for. And that is enough. Because God has shown me that He is all I need. I don't need a wife or my own kids or friends or family. Yes, those things are all of utmost importance to me. But if you ask me if I need them in order to live and to be satisfied, my answer would be no.
If God stripped me of all of those things in my life, would I be content? I have no idea how to answer that, because I don't know. I know my God is more than enough for me, and I know without a doubt that He would bring me to a place in which I would find complete peace. And that is all I can say for now.
God has been working on my heart for my entire life. He has been building inside me contentment for this place that He has put me in. And He has shown me over and over again reasons why He kept me here. And the moment that I become completely content to stay here for the rest of my life is probably the moment in which He will rip me from this place and put me somewhere completely new. And I'm ready. Because if I am living the life that these words are saying, I know without fail that I will find contentment even on the battlefield.
And I can only speak of this because of the glory of my God. I know He is changing my heart and working in my life because I break down in tears at least once a day over things like the shining of the sun. I am not one to cry, ever. But God has planted the spring of His eternal and overflowing love into my heart, and at times, it overflows and comes out through my eyes in the form of tears. And those are tears of joy, which are completely new to me.
You still have my heart. You and onlyYou keep bringing me back home. And that home is Your heart.
There are so many thoughts in my head that it is hard to know where to begin. My one and only struggle with writing is never knowing where to begin. That struggle occurs throughout multiple areas of my life.
I find it very easy to praise God on a day like today. The cold weather brings out a part of me that wants to continually rejoice and praise God. If only I could box it up and store it away on days that aren't so much like that.
But this is where I'm at. On this balcony connected to the house that I call a home, I am reminded that this won't last. Right now, this weather makes me feel like the world is almost perfect. The sound of cars driving on the highway next to my apartment makes a humming sound that soothes my soul. But it all ends. And then what? And if I think that this is almost perfection, then I cry out at the thought of what heaven will possibly be like. Better than this is hard for a weak mind like mine to imagine. Which makes it all that much more exciting to consider.
Since I was about the age of 15, I have wanted to leave this place. Not the earth, just my current location. Florida. I am by no means a beach boy. Of course I grew up minutes from the coast, spent many summer days, winter days, hurricane days, and spring breaks on the beach. And there was that stint in college in which I went to the beach for hours upon hours every day for a month. But the beauty of the ocean is only truly captured in my heart when I glimpse it at night. The moon reflecting off the water is mistifies me in a way unlike anything else can.
I tried to leave this place after high school. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say try because I didn't try that hard. I wanted to go away to college, but I secretly knew in my heart that out of state tuition was way too high and that I could never ask my parents to pay for it. And I also knew, although would refuse to admit at the time, that I wasn't ready to leave this place. At least not the memories and the people.
I tried again my sophomore year of college when I applied to Flagler college in St Augustine. Yes, I would still be in Florida, but it wouldn't be the Florida I knew. It would be a different Florida. And it would allow me to travel home a lot more often than if I went out of state. But God had different plans for me and so denied me access to the college.
I tried again my Junior year of college. I applied to Chicago State University and to North Eastern Illinois University and to Nazareth college in Rochester, NY. I got accepted into each of those schools. And I went apartment hunting and found a roommate and a place to live in Rochester and in Chicago. Yet one day I was sitting in my hotel room on Congress in downtown Chicago with thousands of people walking the streets and felt more alone than I ever had in all my life. I wasn't ready still.
I say all of this to say that I have learned what contentment truly means. Being content does not mean now nor ever will, until we arrive in heaven, that everything is going to be perfect every single day. I have struggled with this word for years. For my entire life I believe. I wanted my heart to be content, but my sinful, selfish heart always screwed everything up.
But I have a new idea and understanding of contentment that God has been teaching me in many ways these last few years. Contentment is being happy with what I have, with where I live, with the job I have. Contentment doesn't mean every day I go to work I'm going to do cartwheels of joy. Contentment doesn't mean that everyday is going to feel like today, or that I'm going to feel like the way I do today everyday. It means that I am satisfied in what God has provided to me. Period. God knows our hearts. He knows our sins. He knows that in order for us to live a life of contentment every single day, never complaining, never worrying, never losing faith and hope is to be..well, perfect. And He doesn't think for a second that we are going to be perfect.
I have been guided by my God in the direction of contentment in the truest, simplest, and most real form that I can achieve at this point in my life. I believe with all of my heart that I will grow more content with the life I have been given as the days go on. But for now, the contentment I have is all the contentment I need. At this moment. God has shown me that days like today are where I can find my contentment on days that are the opposite of today. He reminds me with these days that there is always a rainbow to look for. There is always something to hope for and hold out faith about.
If you asked me today if I still want to leave Florida, my answer would be yes. But if you asked me if I want to leave Florida because I'm not content here, my answer would be no. And that is a far cry from where I was 5 years ago. And it took me 26 years to get here, and it will take me the rest of my life to get to where I'm need to be. But at this moment, I am content. And that is all I could ever hope, ask, dream, and pray for. And that is enough. Because God has shown me that He is all I need. I don't need a wife or my own kids or friends or family. Yes, those things are all of utmost importance to me. But if you ask me if I need them in order to live and to be satisfied, my answer would be no.
If God stripped me of all of those things in my life, would I be content? I have no idea how to answer that, because I don't know. I know my God is more than enough for me, and I know without a doubt that He would bring me to a place in which I would find complete peace. And that is all I can say for now.
God has been working on my heart for my entire life. He has been building inside me contentment for this place that He has put me in. And He has shown me over and over again reasons why He kept me here. And the moment that I become completely content to stay here for the rest of my life is probably the moment in which He will rip me from this place and put me somewhere completely new. And I'm ready. Because if I am living the life that these words are saying, I know without fail that I will find contentment even on the battlefield.
And I can only speak of this because of the glory of my God. I know He is changing my heart and working in my life because I break down in tears at least once a day over things like the shining of the sun. I am not one to cry, ever. But God has planted the spring of His eternal and overflowing love into my heart, and at times, it overflows and comes out through my eyes in the form of tears. And those are tears of joy, which are completely new to me.
You still have my heart. You and onlyYou keep bringing me back home. And that home is Your heart.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
God is not a white man
God is not a man, God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud
God cannot be bought, God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion
God is love, God is love
And He loves everyone
God is not a man, God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag, not even American
God does not depend on a government
God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and charlatans, Communists and lesbians
And even ol’ Pat Roberston, Oh God He loves us all
Catholic or protestant, Terrorist or president
Everybody, everybody
Love, love, love, love
These are the lyrics to Gungor's amazing song, God is not a white man. There was a lot of speculation about this song, a lot of nasty comments written by people about it. I don't know why it is that we have to go after and attack people. I don't understand why we have to hurt one another based off of our own ideals, our own selfish thoughts that come out like daggers to harm our enemies. We are one, and we are the same. We all have dark hearts, we all have our struggles, and we all have our moments of love. And just because they aren't all the same struggles or same darkness in our hearts doesn't mean that someone else's struggles or darkness is any better or any worse than our own.
To me, when reading these lyrics, I see it as hope. God is NOT man. And thank God for that fact because otherwise we would be a lost civilization like we are today, but with NO chance of hope. Destruction, chaos, and fear would be all that we have to look forward to.
God is not catholic or protestant, he isn't a terrorist nor a president. Can you imagine if He was? What Gungor is saying here is that God doesn't fit "the mold" that we have created in our minds. We all fit a certain mold. We create these molds on our own, God didn't create those molds. We have surfers, punks, gangsta's, preps, rich, poor, old, young. We have created all of these subgroups in an attempt to fit in with our culture. To feel accepted. To feel complete. To feel like we belong to someone, anyone, no matter how much it hurts us or boxes us in. And all this song is saying is that God CANNOT and WILL NOT be boxed in to some subgroup that we have designed all on our own.
And when I think about it this way, I have hope. I have peace. I have understanding. I'm thrilled that God will not put up with idolatry or be confined to a specific group. Because since He won't, that means I don't have to, either. I can feel free and unashamed to hang out with an 80 year old woman and make her my best friend if I please. I can go down to where "white town and black town" cross and hang out in the hood. I can go to Greenwich and make a billionaire one of my closest friends. I can kick it with the homeless down in Miami. And I can remember a magical world by befriending a 5 year old. I am not confined to one specific subset, one specific group. God calls us to love EVERYONE. Not the ones that are similar to us or that we can relate to the most.
God is not a man sitting on a cloud
God cannot be bought, God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion
God is love, God is love
And He loves everyone
God is not a man, God is not an old man
God does not belong to Republicans
God is not a flag, not even American
God does not depend on a government
God is good, God is good, and He loves everyone
Atheists and charlatans, Communists and lesbians
And even ol’ Pat Roberston, Oh God He loves us all
Catholic or protestant, Terrorist or president
Everybody, everybody
Love, love, love, love
These are the lyrics to Gungor's amazing song, God is not a white man. There was a lot of speculation about this song, a lot of nasty comments written by people about it. I don't know why it is that we have to go after and attack people. I don't understand why we have to hurt one another based off of our own ideals, our own selfish thoughts that come out like daggers to harm our enemies. We are one, and we are the same. We all have dark hearts, we all have our struggles, and we all have our moments of love. And just because they aren't all the same struggles or same darkness in our hearts doesn't mean that someone else's struggles or darkness is any better or any worse than our own.
To me, when reading these lyrics, I see it as hope. God is NOT man. And thank God for that fact because otherwise we would be a lost civilization like we are today, but with NO chance of hope. Destruction, chaos, and fear would be all that we have to look forward to.
God is not catholic or protestant, he isn't a terrorist nor a president. Can you imagine if He was? What Gungor is saying here is that God doesn't fit "the mold" that we have created in our minds. We all fit a certain mold. We create these molds on our own, God didn't create those molds. We have surfers, punks, gangsta's, preps, rich, poor, old, young. We have created all of these subgroups in an attempt to fit in with our culture. To feel accepted. To feel complete. To feel like we belong to someone, anyone, no matter how much it hurts us or boxes us in. And all this song is saying is that God CANNOT and WILL NOT be boxed in to some subgroup that we have designed all on our own.
And when I think about it this way, I have hope. I have peace. I have understanding. I'm thrilled that God will not put up with idolatry or be confined to a specific group. Because since He won't, that means I don't have to, either. I can feel free and unashamed to hang out with an 80 year old woman and make her my best friend if I please. I can go down to where "white town and black town" cross and hang out in the hood. I can go to Greenwich and make a billionaire one of my closest friends. I can kick it with the homeless down in Miami. And I can remember a magical world by befriending a 5 year old. I am not confined to one specific subset, one specific group. God calls us to love EVERYONE. Not the ones that are similar to us or that we can relate to the most.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)