My bones cry out to You

I'm currently sitting outside writing this blog as we speak. I've allotted myself 30 minutes per day to just sit outside on my balcony and watch the world go by. Watch life in its most natural state. Observe the people walking on the street with each other when they think nobody is watching. I want to see the wind in the trees and hear the sounds it makes, calling us back to a God who provides. I left my cellphone inside, and I'm not on facebook, I'm just here, sitting, breathing, and writing in an attempt to share my experience and my journey with you.
I've been listening to Gungor a lot lately. Paul bought me the CD for my birthday and I haven't stopped listening to it since. I've even been neglecting my amazing Christmas Glee album for it. So that should give you a little taste of how much I love it. And if you take the time to listen to the songs, and really listen to the words that are being sung, then you will understand why I spend so much time living this album.
Since about the middle of October, I have been following a daily reading plan for getting through the entire bible in one year. I admit that I miss days now and then, usually on Saturdays, but I've been doing pretty well with it. I've gotten through Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus, and am now in Numbers. It hasn't been easy, either. Leviticus and Numbers are dullsville to say the least. And I've always thought so. But it is amazing how God just renews my heart and continues to help me push through these chapters. And not just push through for the sake of crossing it off the list, but He is helping reveal things in those books to me. For example, I find myself to be incredibly blessed that everytime I sin, I don't have to sacrifice a lamb and a ram and give grain offerings and build altars and all such things. How time consuming it must have been during those years. However, I'm sure that the thought of all that work would help motivate us to try our hardest not to sin, so there was definitely purpose in it. And just the fact that I am thinking along these lines reveals to me a growth process that has occurred within myself. And that is all thanks to my God who has saved me from the wreckage of my own heart and my own selfish desires.
Beyond the bible, I have been reading other books. A book that my father gave me a week after my injury was one that I just finished last week. And this book was absolutely one of the most inspirational books that I have ever read. It was due in large part to the fact that it was based off of my very own personal struggles and it laid out the truth of these struggles among other people. I could relate to this book a lot, and not just in the way that it gave me comfort knowing that other people out there are struggling with the same things that I struggle. I mean, of course it is always a comfort to see first hand and experience first hand that you are not alone. But what was most incredible about this book was that I found it to be a source of encouragement that I had never experienced. For so long, I've just pretty much given myself a death sentence for my homosexual desires and sinfulness. I've abstained from getting involved in that lifestyle for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had a relationship or gone to the clubs and such, but for the most part, I've held myself behind a fence to that world. But this book reveals a number of men and women that have been battling the same hardships as I have, and yet have come out on top, completely transformed.
These men and women have gone much deeper into the lifestyle than I ever have, and yet here they are, laying out their lives for me, and they are married to the opposite sex and have children and loved ones that support them in their recovery. For this sin is a recovery when you begin to overcome it. It is something that is a constant struggle and one that we may never fully break free of because of our sinful hearts. But there is hope. And there is transformation. And this book has spoken to me about the way we can come to that place. I have never had hope and peace about this struggle like I have found from this book. (BTW it is called Gay: Such were some of us)
I've finished that book and passed it on to a friend to read because it really addresses the struggle that we all have. We all fight against something in our lives that keeps us back from knowing Jesus fully. It can be drugs, porn, selfishness, fear, stealing, murder, jealousy. Whatever the addiction, we are held behind a wall that is just in front of Jesus. We live these lives fighting against it, but never really putting all of our effort into it. That's how I was. I would stay just far enough away from this lifestyle that I could justify myself without fully giving into it. But I was keeping a barrier inbetween God and myself that prevented me from ever truly knowing Him and the power of His love. And He chased after me fervently, refusing to give up. And He finally captured me. And how amazing it is to think that He, the God of the universe, would care so deeply for me, personally, that He would refuse to give up. Me, the nothingness that I am in comparison to Him, fought without abandon to capture my heart. Currently, it is hard to breath at the thought of this.

God wants us. But He wants our whole selves. He refuses to accept just a portion of us. And what I've learned is that if we are going to say that He is our Lord, our refuge, our strength, our portion, our everything, than we need to be living out a life that reflects that truth. It isn't enough to just say it. Songs of worship aren't worship at all if they are empty from what our lives actually look like. Singing songs of praise to my God is one of the biggest highs that I can experience in this life, but for so long, I've been singing those songs inside a room and then going into the world a failure. And this is the moment that I want it to end. This is the time for change, here and now. Not tomorrow, not later today, but right here, in this moment, in the sunshine of my God, in the sweet sound of His voice in the trees. We need to take that step. And I'm going to take it. But I invite you to take it with me.

I leave you with these powerful words and encouragement from Gungor in their blog dated January 1, 2010:


So when you look at your world today, I urge you to try to remember this bigger story.  When you look up into the blue sky, realize what a strange and glorious thing it is that it is blue.  When you go to bed tonight, try to be amazed at this ability your body has to turn on and off like that.  Really taste the food that you eat today.  Think about a few of the breaths that God gives you as He gives you them, and thank Him for them.  I’m going to try to do that as well, and hopefully we can learn how to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven a little bit more fully.

Stolen from Stook

I'm stealing this from Stook and trying to make it a lifestyle habit. Feel free to join.


Every time I want to send a tweet via mobile phone, I'll scribble an encouraging word for a co-worker on a sticky-note.

and every time I get the urge to comment someone, I'll call them instead; We'll get together and speak to each other ... absorb the rhythms of our voices, read between the lines only our bodies have created, maybe even hug at the end.

I'll make an entry with something tangible.

Beautiful Things

It is really easy for me to walk along in this life and see all the ugliness in people. It is probably one of the easiest things to do. Sometimes we even do it without meaning to or without realizing we are doing it. And that is a result of the sin that entered the world long ago.

But what I want is to make an effort, every single day, to see the beautiful things in people. I want to see the beauty of the ocean without realizing all of the debris and oil and ugliness of it. I want to hear the wind in the leaves and not notice the trash blowing on the ground beside it. Because there is an incredibly beautiful world out there, and if I spend all of my time looking and searching for the ugliness of everything that I am surrounded by, then I am living an ugly life.

I want to see the beautiful things about a prostitute. I want to notice her heart and the battles she has fought and won, not the fact that she gets paid to have sex. I want to get a glimpse of the unique and charming qualities of the homeless man on the corner of the street, not condemn him for making poor choices in the past to get him to where he is today. I want to step outside of the person that I've boxed myself into being and come to life. I want to take risks and make statements and live a life without abandon that will allow me to truly be free and mean it when I say, God, You make beautiful things, and I am so in love with You and everything You've made.

Beautiful Things

There are not a lot of bands that can peak my interest in such a way that the mere lyrics bring tears to my eyes. Although I am a words man, I tend to not really take the words as they are, in the way in which they are intended, to the extent in which they are entailed. But this band...the words they sing are powerful. They are incredible. They speak into our lives in such a way that makes me feel...alive. And thankful that I have a God that is incredible as these words detail.

The band is Gungor, and the song is Beautiful Things. I highly suggest you get into them.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll even find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us


I think the part that hits me most is that our God, the all powerful, all mighty being that He is, really does make beautiful things out of us. To me, this is an incredible truth, and quite difficult to digest when I consider all the ways I do not deserve this type of love from even a human being, let alone from God. And there is passion laced in every ounce of these words that destroys my heart, making it new, making it beautiful. Just think about it.

Gungor - Beautiful Things

Words

It's amazing how words that we've spoken time and time again can become so...powerful when we allow them to speak into our lives.
Like healing. We say this word all the time, but the true meaning of the word becomes more present when we are in pain and when we experience that healing power in any form.
And I am broken. But in a beautiful way. And I'm experiencing God in His true form more everyday. Even when I am in pain. The most when I am in pain.

Happy birthday

26 years ago today, God brought me into this world encased in love. He gave me the opportunity to become life. And it has been quite a journey since that day in 1984.
My journey has included many highs and lows. When I was younger, I lived in a home that was filled with more than just the scents of delicious food. I grew up in a house that had love pouring out of every window and door that we had. I had a father who worked hard to provide me with everything I needed. I never went hungry or without a place to live. And I remember smiling so much that I was given the nickname Scott Smiley.
As I got older, I went on trips, joined youth group, started singing at church. I began dating and socializing, and I was quite good at both. I joined the band and played flute for 3 years and enjoyed every moment of it.
Entering into high school, I got the chance to go to Mexico twice, began singing in the choir, and met my best friend to this day. I had my first real girlfriend. I went through multiple youth pastors at my church, and I began to really understand the love of my Jesus.
I went on to college, traveled to Chicago and multiple other locations, and developed a new type of family of friends. I also met a person that would cause lots of changes within my life, both positive and negative.
I say all this to say that I have had an amazing life. I am not who I'm going to be, but I'm not who I was. Everyday is a journey, and every moment is important, even the ones that don't seem to be. I have friends that love me beyond belief, and I definitely don't deserve them. And I have the most amazing family that anyone could ever ask for. My life is amazing, even through the hardships and the trials. I am thankful everyday for my blessings.

And I am glad to be living another year.

This thing called love

I don't remember everything I read in the bible. I mean, Leviticus alone makes me want to poke my eyes out at times, although I know that it has purpose. But one thing I recall again and again throughout the bible is loving one another.

I fail at loving my brothers and sisters. It doesn't say love only the pretty people. Or the nice ones. Or just your friends. It says love one another. And this is something that I need help with.

I need to get off this mindset that we all have our "gifts". I know that God blesses each one of us with specific gifts, but just because I'm not as comfortable reaching out to homeless men and women as I am to children doesn't mean I can use that as an excuse to bypass these people.

Every decision that we make in our lives has already been planned out by our God. And each decision leads us in a different direction. I'm going to pray for this area of my life; to be more....courageous for my God.

Its not on our terms

Leviticus is a great book of the bible. I'm learning more everyday through my friendships, my relationships, through really getting more into the word, and through my life experiences that God and His glory doesn't run on our time.
We are sinful to the core, and this includes being selfish. In our culture, we're so used to the idea of getting what we want, when we want it. And this often translates into your spiritual lives at time. At least I feel it does in my case.
Prior to this experience that I've been enduring, I think it was very easy for me to dismiss God somewhat when I didn't need Him. You know, shrink Him down in size so that I could carry Him in my back pocket for insurance. You know, when you put something in your back pocket, it tends to get smashed and destroyed when you sit down, which is what we do for the majority of our days.
But as soon as I was in pain, or upset, or wanting something to go my way...I pulled out my handy-dandy pocket sized Jesus. And He will always be there for us when we call on Him. But it might not always be in the way we want, or at the exact moment that we want. And that's what lots of non-believers try to use as a reason to discourage us in our beliefs. He doesn't answer prayer the way we want. There are problems in the world, why is He allowing that?
Well, people, the reason is that we neglect God when we feel like we don't need Him. And this is when our problems begin. And as soon as they do, then we're desperately seeking after Him.

I just want to encourage you to make Jesus a priority everyday. I know it's not going to happen all of the time, because we're human, and that's our nature. But God doesn't work on our time, in our way, on our terms. But it doesn't mean He isn't in love with us and working everything out in our favor.

The overwhelming feeling of your heart being ripped to shreds

Yesterday, I woke up completely discouraged. I don't ever recommend waking up that way, because it sets a terrible tone for the rest of the day. However, I was in pain again, and I didn't want to be. I thought it was over, I thought this weekend proved to be the beginning of my healing process. I thought I would feel better each day, but when I awoke yesterday, I realized that wasn't the case.
I feel as though it is easy to slip into these bouts of self-pity and depression and sorrow when things aren't going in the direction that we would like them to. For me, this is particularly true. For those of you that read this blog and know me, you know that I am not only a stubborn individual, but an impatient one, as well. Not to mention impulsive. Combine all these qualities with being in pain constantly for a week and a half, and you've got a boy that isn't a happy camper.
Yesterday, I went to physical therapy, holding out the hope that afterwards, I would begin to feel better again, just like I had on Friday. When this didn't seem to be the case, I slumped into the couch, encased with tears until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up later and continued to cry and eat lunch and feel sorrow for myself, crying out to Jesus, beginning for understanding and for Him to selfishly take away my pain. As though I had never caused Him an ounce of pain in my life.
After I pulled myself together a little bit, I decided to try and do some homework for as long as I could manage to sit upright at the computer, which is a big no-no for my present condition. And I even tried to go down by the pool and change the scenery, so I didn't feel as alone as I did in the apartment. And even though it was stunningly beautiful outside, I still griped and cried in pain.
When I got back, it was time for me to go to work, so I left and started driving. Once on the highway, I began bawling again like a baby, crying out to Jesus, wondering if He was listening or if I had irritated Him too much today. And then the most amazing thing happened.
When I got off of 95, I started heading West on Linton, like always. And I don't know where exactly or why, but suddenly, Christ came into my heart and overwhelmed me. My tears of pity turned into sobs of calming relief, excitement, and happiness. I had no idea what was going on, but I didn't want to lose the feeling. God had literally come into my presence in the way that He does, and I was overwhelmed. I couldn't quite understand what was going on, except that this was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced.
I've often felt as though the people that I've heard say "I could feel Jesus holding me" or "I could feel His presence inside of me, living within my heart" were just saying that to look good to other Christians. But now I know the exact experience they are talking about, because I had it.
And the most amazing thing about it was that suddenly, God turned my pain and suffering into something different. I was still in the same amount of pain and suffering as I had been five minutes prior to this, but suddenly, it didn't seem so horrible. God had changed my heart of sadness into one of joy and understanding, and the pain had changed from something that seemed like a death sentence into a renewing sense of hope, understanding, and life to the fullest.
I felt I could conquer this pain, and I wasn't going to allow it to control me anymore.

I know now that God is still working on me. He has been since it happened, and He will continue to until the day I die, and until this pain is gone. But what gives me hope is that all this pain I am going through has become joyful, because this pain is being caused my God's healing to my heart. He is ripping away all the things that are evil and ugly and that keep me from Him, and that is physically and emotionally painful. Since I am someone that is very spontaneous, I believe that Jesus had to do this in a way that would literally paralyze me in a way and plague me with pain to encourage me to really call out to Him and trust in Him and seek after what this was all about. And I am incredibly encouraged and thankful that He has been doing that in my life.
I am feeling alive in the most genuine, amazing way that I have ever experienced, and it blows my mind. I want to share it with the world, and I don't want to ever stop seeking after it.

When I woke up this morning, and ironically enough, I finally slept the whole night through last night, I began reading my Bible, and then I read an article my dad gave me on Sunday. I was completely encouraged by this article because of its truth about a nation that doesn't believe in our God and tries to disprove Him, yet He renews our hope and understanding again and again in His word. I'm just going to share a few verses that seem to have been written directly to me by My God:

Psalm 34:18- If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.

Psalm 34:20- He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.

Hebrews 13:5- Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, " Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

John 16:33- I've told you all this so that trusting Me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world, you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world!

1 John 5:4- For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.



This is where I am in my journey today. I'm not done, I'm not finished, and He is not finished with me. He loves me so much that He is breaking me physically for His name. How incredible that God would care so much about insignificant me to do such things. THAT is overwhelming.

The craft show that turned into another form of healing

Today is my mom's annual Christmas Craft Show. She works all year long making tons of crafts for all types of holidays and cookies and then sets up shop in her house two weekends before Thanksgiving and sells them. It is a tradition, and one that has been going on my entire life. And today, I believe, was the most success she has ever had, in my eyes.
I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally broken down in the past 9 days of my life. I have been exhausted and in pain that I never thought I would encounter. And today was the one of the most amazing days I've ever experienced.
God has revealed so much to me through this horrific experience in my life to me that it is overwhelming. And today was no exception.
I was fortunate enough to be able to share my struggles and my revelations with multiple people that I otherwise would never have spoken to in so much depth. God really has a way of revealing more and more in my life the more I am willing to be bold and share His love for me with others.

This post is mostly to say what I walked away with today. And what that is is that we have no control over the situations in our lives. We cannot choose the hand we are dealt, but we can choose how we handle it. God gives us free will,  but He ultimately knows the direction we are going to head in. And this is so encouraging to me, because I know that I am walking side by side with Jesus.
And the more I have spoken to people today about what I went through and what I got out of it, the more I have learned about what else God was revealing to me, and through other people! Today I have experienced forgiveness, love, happiness, and excitement. God is living inside me, and I can feel Him. I can feel Him in my words, and I can feel Him in my breath, and I can feel Him in my healing.
I was reading today that a man suffering with HIV wrote this down in his journal to comfort himself: When I am sad, I think about Jesus, and I am no longer sad. When I am in pain, I think about the love of God in my life, and I am no longer in pain. And when I am tired, I think about Jesus and I am renewed. It was something along those lines. But that is quite an encouragement.
God controls every part of us, yet He gives us the option of choosing Him over the world. The world tries to label us and our struggles as good or bad, better or worse than one another. Like being fat is better than being gay, because you can lose weight, but you can't lose gay. And who is to say that either is good? We each deal with our own private, unique burdens and struggles. And we each respond and deal with them in our own way. But none are worse than the other. God puts everything on the same level for us, because every struggle is a struggle, no matter the size or the shape or the offense. And it is our job to respond in a way that has Jesus written all over it.

Continued

So after the doctor and the meds and still being in so much pain, I went to see my chiropractor. He told me that I just made a mess of myself, didn't really diagnosis me, just told me I'd need to put some Traumeel on it, take it easy, and come back for more adjustments.
Well this left me in complete discomfort because I still had no idea the length of time it would take to heal or the overall damage. Then I went to the Physical Therapist. And it was after that consultation that I began the first day of my breakdown. She told me that it was a herniated disc. And that it would be with me for the rest of my life, flaring up at times.  I know that most of the time it won't cause me pain, but knowing that it could flare up at sometime and having to endure it again for a day or two or however long disturbs me and I just lost it.
But today is the first day that I've started feeling better. Last night, I slept the whole night through for the first time in a week. But I say all of this to say that this has been and is continuing to be a journey, a life experience.
I have had to give up complete control to God. There is nothing that I have done that has made me feel better, and no matter how much I manipulate my body and take pills and sleep a certain way to get rid of the pain, it won't leave just because I want it to.
This whole experience has revealed a number of things to me. The first thing that I have learned is that I have severely neglected the people that surround me on a daily basis. It is easy to neglect the ones we love most because we feel like they'll always be there. This is especially true of my parents. My dad was the one who took me to the MD Now the first day it happened, and paid for the appointment without even a thought.
My dad took out his wallet again to pay for the medications. Again, not even blinking. It was just as though he wouldn't even allow money to be an issue for healing my pain. And that threw me.
Then my mom took me to every chiropractor and physical therapy appointment I had, again shelling out $35 here and $35 there and taking me for coffee and breakfast and listening to me cry and complain and moan. She wouldn't even think of not being there for me.
And the most amazing thing that I've learned about my parents is that they love me so much that my pain becomes their pain. My suffering has been their suffering, and I can see it all over their faces. And to me, this is incredible. And this is the major reason that I have shed so many tears in the past few days. God revealed in my heart that my parents would do anything and everything to care for me, no matter the cost, no matter the pain. And that is selfless love at its very best.
Another area that has been revealed to me is my brother and my friends. It is along the same lines as my parents, but it is different. My brother is not someone that is good with emotions and confrontations, good or bad. Yet when he saw me in pain, I could see the pain on his face, and he has done nothing but encourage me and love me each day. And that is huge to me.
Holly has texted me everyday to see how I was feeling. And for a person to even take a small portion out of their day while they are busy to ask that is amazing.
The final thing that has been revealed to me is my struggles. I have been struggling with my desires. I have plateaued. I have gotten to a place in my relationship with Christ that I thought was good enough. However, I was still struggling with wasting time on the computer trying to find...satisfaction. Trying to find someone else that could relate to me, someone I could share my desires with. But my desires were different than the ones God has in store for me.
And this was revealed to me because I was literally unable to use the computer as I was in so much pain. So God really took everything that I was struggling with and stopped it dead in its tracks.

I have reached a point where I know I have so much growth to do in my relationships with friends, family, and Christ. And I am excited for that! I have deleted accounts that were meaningless and that were drawing me farther and farther away from God. And a friend was talking with me the other day and told me something that is so inspiring and so true.

We don't think about trusting in God or thanking God for His blessings when our lives are going great nearly as much as we do when our lives are in despair. I'm telling you, God uses the most terrible, low situations in our lives to show us His love more than ever. And I hated everything I went through and will continue to go through because it isn't my way. But I have sat down in my closet, against my dresser, and just cried out to God in the most true form of worship and honor and praise that I have ever experienced in my life.

And THAT is the journey of THIS man at this point.

A fork in the road

A little over a week ago, I was heading downstairs with my skateboard to go to the gym. The gym I go to is in my neighborhood, part of my development. But it is far enough away from my apartment that I ride my skateboard there. I feel like it adds a little bit extra to my workout by not just getting in the car and driving, yet it is more fun than just simply walking.
I guess it had rained the night before, or the morning of, as it was only 8:30am at this point. But I've ridden my skateboard after it had rained before, so I thought nothing of it. Until I was heading down a hill.
I knew that if I tried to turn, the roads would be too wet and I would wipe out, so instead I kept going straight toward the sidewalk at which point I would just jump off, like I normally do. By the way, I was riding a ripstick, so it is a little more complicated than your average skateboard as it is all about balance.
Just as I was getting ready to jump off, the skateboard slipped out from underneath me. It had been extra slippery on the parking lines. You know, the lines that they paint onto the pavement for parking spaces.
The skateboard shot out in front of me, and I flew into the air, and landed on my back/right side of my body. Immediately, I knew I was in big trouble. But of course, the first thing I did was shoot right up onto my feet, desperately praying that nobody had seen me. And nobody had, thankfully.
However, I decided going to the gym at this point wouldn't be a very wise idea, so I turned and took my skateboard and started walking back to my apartment. I was mumbling obscenities the whole time  because already my butt was beginning to hurt. Great, just what I need, a sore bum.
I saw my brother on the way down to work, and I briefly told him what happened. At this point, I thought somehow I had gotten away with just a sore butt. Boy was I wrong.
As the day progressed, I became more and more immobile. I went to meet my mom at the mall and told her all about it. At this point I still felt like it was just going to be sore for a few days, nothing major.
However, I went to the school to pick up Akshar and brought him home, and realized that it was literally causing me the most intense pain I had ever experienced just to drive my car. I knew something was wrong, but I was trying to remain calm. I was in great shape and nothing bad was going to happen to me. Right.
Well, after a GRUELING two hours of work, because luckily Thursdays were their busy days so I only work two hours, I called my mom and dad, pretty much in tears, telling them how much pain I was in, and that I was sure I needed to go to the doctor and get an x-ray.
My dad immediately picked me up, and of course it had to be pouring rain. He took me to MD Now, which is a horrible place, don't ever go there, and $130 later, the doctor told me I had sprained my neck. Although on the chart he wrote it as cervical ridiculitis. Doctor talk.
I was prescribed generic vicadin and some muscle relaxers, neither of which have done a thing for relieving my pain.
Friday was another day filled with intense pain that I have never felt in my life. I was worried beyond belief.

and that's all for now, I'll fill you in on the rest later, just to keep you hanging.