Yesterday, I woke up completely discouraged. I don't ever recommend waking up that way, because it sets a terrible tone for the rest of the day. However, I was in pain again, and I didn't want to be. I thought it was over, I thought this weekend proved to be the beginning of my healing process. I thought I would feel better each day, but when I awoke yesterday, I realized that wasn't the case.
I feel as though it is easy to slip into these bouts of self-pity and depression and sorrow when things aren't going in the direction that we would like them to. For me, this is particularly true. For those of you that read this blog and know me, you know that I am not only a stubborn individual, but an impatient one, as well. Not to mention impulsive. Combine all these qualities with being in pain constantly for a week and a half, and you've got a boy that isn't a happy camper.
Yesterday, I went to physical therapy, holding out the hope that afterwards, I would begin to feel better again, just like I had on Friday. When this didn't seem to be the case, I slumped into the couch, encased with tears until I cried myself to sleep. I woke up later and continued to cry and eat lunch and feel sorrow for myself, crying out to Jesus, beginning for understanding and for Him to selfishly take away my pain. As though I had never caused Him an ounce of pain in my life.
After I pulled myself together a little bit, I decided to try and do some homework for as long as I could manage to sit upright at the computer, which is a big no-no for my present condition. And I even tried to go down by the pool and change the scenery, so I didn't feel as alone as I did in the apartment. And even though it was stunningly beautiful outside, I still griped and cried in pain.
When I got back, it was time for me to go to work, so I left and started driving. Once on the highway, I began bawling again like a baby, crying out to Jesus, wondering if He was listening or if I had irritated Him too much today. And then the most amazing thing happened.
When I got off of 95, I started heading West on Linton, like always. And I don't know where exactly or why, but suddenly, Christ came into my heart and overwhelmed me. My tears of pity turned into sobs of calming relief, excitement, and happiness. I had no idea what was going on, but I didn't want to lose the feeling. God had literally come into my presence in the way that He does, and I was overwhelmed. I couldn't quite understand what was going on, except that this was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced.
I've often felt as though the people that I've heard say "I could feel Jesus holding me" or "I could feel His presence inside of me, living within my heart" were just saying that to look good to other Christians. But now I know the exact experience they are talking about, because I had it.
And the most amazing thing about it was that suddenly, God turned my pain and suffering into something different. I was still in the same amount of pain and suffering as I had been five minutes prior to this, but suddenly, it didn't seem so horrible. God had changed my heart of sadness into one of joy and understanding, and the pain had changed from something that seemed like a death sentence into a renewing sense of hope, understanding, and life to the fullest.
I felt I could conquer this pain, and I wasn't going to allow it to control me anymore.
I know now that God is still working on me. He has been since it happened, and He will continue to until the day I die, and until this pain is gone. But what gives me hope is that all this pain I am going through has become joyful, because this pain is being caused my God's healing to my heart. He is ripping away all the things that are evil and ugly and that keep me from Him, and that is physically and emotionally painful. Since I am someone that is very spontaneous, I believe that Jesus had to do this in a way that would literally paralyze me in a way and plague me with pain to encourage me to really call out to Him and trust in Him and seek after what this was all about. And I am incredibly encouraged and thankful that He has been doing that in my life.
I am feeling alive in the most genuine, amazing way that I have ever experienced, and it blows my mind. I want to share it with the world, and I don't want to ever stop seeking after it.
When I woke up this morning, and ironically enough, I finally slept the whole night through last night, I began reading my Bible, and then I read an article my dad gave me on Sunday. I was completely encouraged by this article because of its truth about a nation that doesn't believe in our God and tries to disprove Him, yet He renews our hope and understanding again and again in His word. I'm just going to share a few verses that seem to have been written directly to me by My God:
Psalm 34:18- If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.
Psalm 34:20- He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.
Hebrews 13:5- Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, " Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
John 16:33- I've told you all this so that trusting Me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world, you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world!
1 John 5:4- For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.
This is where I am in my journey today. I'm not done, I'm not finished, and He is not finished with me. He loves me so much that He is breaking me physically for His name. How incredible that God would care so much about insignificant me to do such things. THAT is overwhelming.
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