I woke up at 3:30am this morning. The reason why is because I hate my job. I know that hate is a strong word to use, and you're right, I don't really hate it. In fact, I love that I only have to work 8-10 hours/week and still make incredible money. I'm completely fortunate and God blessed my soul with this job. And I'm in love with those boys that I work with. In love with their hearts and their souls and their laughter. But there are certain aspects to the job that I can't handle sometimes, and that literally keeps me up at night. Mainly, their mother, aka my boss. She wants so much from me and yet, I can't deliver it, because I can't make her children pass a test or do well on a project. I can help, but beyond that, it is out of my control. And I quite like the feeling of loss of control, because it forcibly reminds me that I truly have no control over anything in this world, and I can't accept the responsibility.
So this morning, Tyler had sent me an amazing verse out of the bible to wake up to. Tyler is a person that lives on the other side of the country (Portland) that has unexpectedly come into my life, but with such passion, and such dedication and encouragement, that I know, truly, God placed him in my path for the sole purpose of using him as a prayer warrior, a friend, and to hold me accountable in my struggles. He and I are similar in many ways, and it excites me to know there are people in this world that I can rely on that completely understand the exact place I am in and the struggle I deal with daily.
The verse he shared with me comes from 1 Timothy 4:8-10, and in the message version it says: "Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever, You can count on this. Take it to heart. This is why we've thrown ourselves into this venture so completely. We're banking on the living God, Savior of all men and women, especially believers". Wow. I mean, that hits me like a ton of bricks. And that was the way I started my morning, at 8am. This from a man I've never even met personally, but that I feel this incredible bond with. That is God's work in my life, and in his, right there.
I had to share back with him Luke 14:33 which says, "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can't be my disciple". To me, that verse means so much. It deals with our struggles head on. It is God saying, give this up. Give up this love for something more than me. I am more than enough, I am more than you'll ever find anywhere on earth. And when I think of it that way, I can breathe.
In your struggle, I don't know what gets you through. I don't know if you try to find things to get you through, or if you just let it control you. For me, I can't fully let it control me. I have before, that's definitely true. But a part of my heart is so gripped by the love of my God that He always squeezes so tightly at some point that it squashes out the part that was trying to take me away from Him. And these verses, this encouragement from a friend...this is what gets me through.
Phil 3:7-14 is my life verse. I won't type it all out, I'll make you go on a hunt to find what it says. But trust that rereading this verse this morning gave me the push I needed to go on. I can't often stand the sight of my boss, but reading this verse, I know that God will always provide for me, and I know that He'll always give me the strength to go on, and He'll never put me in a situation that has no purpose. So I know I'm meant to be in their lives right now and vice versa. And I know that its because they have a mother who wants to see them succeed academically and in riches more than she cares for their hearts and souls, and He has placed me in their lives to create a balance there, and encourage them, love them, protect them, and make them feel alive.
After reading these verses and speaking briefly via text with Tyler, I read a bunch of short stories that the oldest one is working on and has to use to make an actual board game around, so now I'm set on the stories, wrote down a bunch of questions he can use for the question and chance cards, and made a schedule of how to knock out this project. God does great things, because He has set my heart and soul at ease for the moment now.
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