My bones cry out to You

I'm currently sitting outside writing this blog as we speak. I've allotted myself 30 minutes per day to just sit outside on my balcony and watch the world go by. Watch life in its most natural state. Observe the people walking on the street with each other when they think nobody is watching. I want to see the wind in the trees and hear the sounds it makes, calling us back to a God who provides. I left my cellphone inside, and I'm not on facebook, I'm just here, sitting, breathing, and writing in an attempt to share my experience and my journey with you.
I've been listening to Gungor a lot lately. Paul bought me the CD for my birthday and I haven't stopped listening to it since. I've even been neglecting my amazing Christmas Glee album for it. So that should give you a little taste of how much I love it. And if you take the time to listen to the songs, and really listen to the words that are being sung, then you will understand why I spend so much time living this album.
Since about the middle of October, I have been following a daily reading plan for getting through the entire bible in one year. I admit that I miss days now and then, usually on Saturdays, but I've been doing pretty well with it. I've gotten through Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus, and am now in Numbers. It hasn't been easy, either. Leviticus and Numbers are dullsville to say the least. And I've always thought so. But it is amazing how God just renews my heart and continues to help me push through these chapters. And not just push through for the sake of crossing it off the list, but He is helping reveal things in those books to me. For example, I find myself to be incredibly blessed that everytime I sin, I don't have to sacrifice a lamb and a ram and give grain offerings and build altars and all such things. How time consuming it must have been during those years. However, I'm sure that the thought of all that work would help motivate us to try our hardest not to sin, so there was definitely purpose in it. And just the fact that I am thinking along these lines reveals to me a growth process that has occurred within myself. And that is all thanks to my God who has saved me from the wreckage of my own heart and my own selfish desires.
Beyond the bible, I have been reading other books. A book that my father gave me a week after my injury was one that I just finished last week. And this book was absolutely one of the most inspirational books that I have ever read. It was due in large part to the fact that it was based off of my very own personal struggles and it laid out the truth of these struggles among other people. I could relate to this book a lot, and not just in the way that it gave me comfort knowing that other people out there are struggling with the same things that I struggle. I mean, of course it is always a comfort to see first hand and experience first hand that you are not alone. But what was most incredible about this book was that I found it to be a source of encouragement that I had never experienced. For so long, I've just pretty much given myself a death sentence for my homosexual desires and sinfulness. I've abstained from getting involved in that lifestyle for the most part. That's not to say I haven't had a relationship or gone to the clubs and such, but for the most part, I've held myself behind a fence to that world. But this book reveals a number of men and women that have been battling the same hardships as I have, and yet have come out on top, completely transformed.
These men and women have gone much deeper into the lifestyle than I ever have, and yet here they are, laying out their lives for me, and they are married to the opposite sex and have children and loved ones that support them in their recovery. For this sin is a recovery when you begin to overcome it. It is something that is a constant struggle and one that we may never fully break free of because of our sinful hearts. But there is hope. And there is transformation. And this book has spoken to me about the way we can come to that place. I have never had hope and peace about this struggle like I have found from this book. (BTW it is called Gay: Such were some of us)
I've finished that book and passed it on to a friend to read because it really addresses the struggle that we all have. We all fight against something in our lives that keeps us back from knowing Jesus fully. It can be drugs, porn, selfishness, fear, stealing, murder, jealousy. Whatever the addiction, we are held behind a wall that is just in front of Jesus. We live these lives fighting against it, but never really putting all of our effort into it. That's how I was. I would stay just far enough away from this lifestyle that I could justify myself without fully giving into it. But I was keeping a barrier inbetween God and myself that prevented me from ever truly knowing Him and the power of His love. And He chased after me fervently, refusing to give up. And He finally captured me. And how amazing it is to think that He, the God of the universe, would care so deeply for me, personally, that He would refuse to give up. Me, the nothingness that I am in comparison to Him, fought without abandon to capture my heart. Currently, it is hard to breath at the thought of this.

God wants us. But He wants our whole selves. He refuses to accept just a portion of us. And what I've learned is that if we are going to say that He is our Lord, our refuge, our strength, our portion, our everything, than we need to be living out a life that reflects that truth. It isn't enough to just say it. Songs of worship aren't worship at all if they are empty from what our lives actually look like. Singing songs of praise to my God is one of the biggest highs that I can experience in this life, but for so long, I've been singing those songs inside a room and then going into the world a failure. And this is the moment that I want it to end. This is the time for change, here and now. Not tomorrow, not later today, but right here, in this moment, in the sunshine of my God, in the sweet sound of His voice in the trees. We need to take that step. And I'm going to take it. But I invite you to take it with me.

I leave you with these powerful words and encouragement from Gungor in their blog dated January 1, 2010:


So when you look at your world today, I urge you to try to remember this bigger story.  When you look up into the blue sky, realize what a strange and glorious thing it is that it is blue.  When you go to bed tonight, try to be amazed at this ability your body has to turn on and off like that.  Really taste the food that you eat today.  Think about a few of the breaths that God gives you as He gives you them, and thank Him for them.  I’m going to try to do that as well, and hopefully we can learn how to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven a little bit more fully.